Venting 5 days until CTB

[ihateittoo]

im starting to feel a lot more nervous now that its getting so close. I wouldnt be surprised if i dont go through with it, i can tell im gonna be incredibly nervous on the day of. Some people may see that as a sign to not go through with it but i know this is the only way out of the issues im going through. If there was a way I could magically fix my life instead of shooting myself I would take that in a heartbeat.

Spending another year trapped in this horrible disgusting body sounds like hell. I look at myself in every camera and mirror that I own to see where I look the best. I stopped having those brief moments where I saw someone I could stand. It all just looks so ugly now. My face is the main issue, It's not something I can cover or fix in any meaningful way. Im stuck with this face forever. During my last attempt the way I was able to push past SI was looking at myself in the mirror while doing it, being reminded of how I look seemed to do the trick. I'll have to find a way to see myself this time as well.

I spend so much time imagining what my family would look like without me. At the risk of sounding egotistical, I think it would be a lot sadder. When I'm with my family im always joking around and doing a lot of carrying in conversations. I would feel terrible for my parents, espically my dad. In my short adult life I have devloped a very close relationship with my dad that is different than the one I had with him when i was a kid. We get along really well and I would genuinely describe him as a really cool guy. it's gonna kill him when he finds out. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach just writing it. I wish I could apologize to him a million times. Im at such a crossroads. I want to die so bad but I feel terrible because of how it will impact everyone. I know thats not a groundbreaking thought or anything though.

its a lot of conflicting emotions rn, just glad Im able to distract myself.

 

[Passenger4224]

I just experienced similar emotions last week.

Last week came by and I started worrying and getting nervous.

Last day came by and peace finally settled in.

Last hour before attempt came by and I panicked and didn't CTB.

One hour after deciding to postpone the attempt and I was already regretful.

I haven't seen many people here talk about all the emotions that come before an attempt. They feel so confusing and intense. I'm glad to read your post discussing how you're feeling. If you're comfortable, please keep us updated :)

Also, what was your last attempt? How did you fail? You are strong for managing to push past the survival instinct. I should take notes.

 

[ihateittoo]

Also, what was your last attempt? How did you fail? You are strong for managing to push past the survival instinct. I should take notes.

my last attempt was an overdose, i wrote about it here https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/my-suicide-attempt.246815/

i failed because i didnt know much abt od'ing at the time and chose bad meds and also threw it all up shortly after(unintentionally). pushing past SI was surprisingly easy that time whereas other times it has completely paralyzed me. I just had to remind myself of why I was doing it.

Thank you for the kind words! i intend to make daily posts leading up to the date as a sort of last little journal. I one day hope some of my irl friends can find this after I pass for some closure because I am not planning on leaving a note.