Venting Am I just that bad at "recovering"?

[sasshimi]

I'm sick of it all, this fake recovery that I've been pretending to keep working on - spreading white lies and making empty promises to friends and family. I don't have the motivation and I don't think I ever will anyways. What pisses me off the most is how incredibly hard it is to get motivated, even when it comes to ctb. I'm just sitting around wasting time. My dad told me I should go pray and utilize the time I have left as much as possible, as long as he and my mom are still alive. I have heard of that guilt-trip-ridden statement a million times in my life. I couldn't say anything back to him because the answer is that I have the intention to die way before they could perish to old age/illnesses. I only have a month left. Why do I always fall for this shit though, I always seem to be synonymous with shame and guilt.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I understand that sense of hopelessness and helplessness; knowing how unlikely it is that you will ever change. Hugs to you - it's hard to keep all this inside when around loved ones.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I'm sick of it all, this fake recovery that I've been pretending to keep working on - spreading white lies and making empty promises to friends and family. I don't have the motivation and I don't think I ever will anyways. What pisses me off the most is how incredibly hard it is to get motivated, even when it comes to ctb. I'm just sitting around wasting time. My dad told me I should go pray and utilize the time I have left as much as possible, as long as he and my mom are still alive. I have heard of that guilt-trip-ridden statement a million times in my life. I couldn't say anything back to him because the answer is that I have the intention to die way before they could perish to old age/illnesses. I only have a month left. Why do I always fall for this shit though, I always seem to be synonymous with shame and guilt.

You are very brave for even trying.

 

[AnotherTragicName]

Don't worry, it's not your fault. Recovery is a lie anyway in most cases. Been to the psych-ward numerous times and it helped the least people. For most, it's just good for taking a break from reality.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds stressful what you are going through, it is very tiring being alive. It does require a lot of motivation for ctb as after all we are programmed to survive. If it was easier I would already be gone. I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.