My psychiatrist started with the terms of antisocial personality disorder. I fit most of the profile, he gave me new meds for impulsivity and stuff. Recently i harmed a friend emotionally in a serious way. In some way, i don't like what i did. But it's more about the outcome rather than regret itself. I wonder if having almost no convection with any type of emotions makes me less human, or if it makes me deserve death. Honestly, either way, if i deserve it or not, i wanna ctb, i don't think being this type of people shoud exist, almost all they do is cause harm, on themselves and on others. We (starting from now i'll consider from that community) are a bomb, waiting to make a bigger explosion. Obsessed with something we lack, connection/emotion. Almost everything harmful we do is to feel something. But i don't want to feel empty. Matter fact, i don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to be here. It's just too much things and a long way to go. Painful in my way, empty, wanting something it's so difficult for me to even think about it, empathy is just so intuitive for the rest of people and for me it's just not there. If i'd care i wouldn't think about ctb because i would know that i will make people around me feel bad for a long time. But right now, when i let myself feel any type of emotion i just feel indifference loneliness and sadness related emotions. It's just not a great place to be. Days been feeling like weeks for me, and i can't see over 3 days further in my life. I just can't imagine me there and i don't want to be there. I don't want to be. I don't want to exist. It's curious how statistically ASPD people tend to suffer from depression aswell and not many people here share their experience with that (or i've not searched enough). Even tho that wouldn't make me feel better, it's just something i noticed. Maybe most of them are in trouble with drugs or in a cell. Being in one doesn't seem like a bad idea, specially if it's a psychiatric. You just drug yourself and exist, nothing to do there, almost like the non existent state i want to be. The closest you can get physically. Well being in a coma is more like that, but that's hard to achieve. CTB methods have been around my mind for way too long, and i'm really considering getting a job just to get SN. I don't even see myself in next year.
Thanks for reading, this is almost how i think and it's very complex, i tried organizing it the best way possible
Thanks for reading, this is almost how i think and it's very complex, i tried organizing it the best way possible
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