Always feel like I’m coming from a horror movie.

[lilb0wpeep]

you know that feeling when when ur watching/just left a psychological thriller/hotel movie? Like you feel this unrelenting unease and almost fear even though you know you are totally safe, there are no worries to be had, and that your should feel retrospectively ok and or even good. But after said movie/show that feeling begins to fade, or you're able to be pulled out of it when something else redirects your attention. Unlike the later effect, this is how I feel constantly, and yea I know it's 'anxiety', but it never leaves no matter what I do. I've been on nearly every anxiety medication available. Ive been in therapy for for YEARS, even tried ECT. I've been trying to meditate and practice my breathing, gratitude, and safety with in myself, etc. but I can not find any sense of peace, relief, or even contentment. I feel so unwell all the time and would like for this to stop. It makes me want to stop existing at all just so it will go away. I feel like I can't do anything anyways because of it.

 

[3rdworldsadness]

I love horror movies I can relate to them but life is the real horror of all. So I can relate.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Do you mind if I ask… do you think you may have trauma?

I don't know… I'm not a doctor but I have ptsd and life and your mind being a non stop horror show…

Then again anxiety disorders have a lot of overlap.

You didn't explain what it is you fear… do you know why you're afraid?

 

[SweetChariot]

I feel you, i'm unmedicated and right now my depression is on the "limbo" state but i still wake up every day with a cold shiver

 

[lilb0wpeep]

Do you mind if I ask… do you think you may have trauma?

I don't know… I'm not a doctor but I have ptsd and life and your mind being a non stop horror show…

Then again anxiety disorders have a lot of overlap.

You didn't explain what it is you fear… do you know why you're afraid?

I do have trauma, and I have CPTSD. That's said it's not like I fear anything, I'll even try to figure out where these feeling are coming from but there is nothing. I've through scenarios and gone through the past, I've done trauma work. And this isn't like a fear of something or a specific worry about something. It's just a constant feeling that only gets worse at times, but never goes away.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I do have trauma, and I have CPTSD. That's said it's not like I fear anything, I'll even try to figure out where these feeling are coming from but there is nothing. I've through scenarios and gone through the past, I've done trauma work. And this isn't like a fear of something or a specific worry about something. It's just a constant feeling that only gets worse at times, but never goes away.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

May I ask how you were able to get approved for ECT? What was the approval process and procedures/sessions like?

Many people try to get help for years before giving up. This is what those "if only they got the help they needed maybe they'd still be here…" kinda people will never understand. Help is not easy to access, lol. It's not even guaranteed to work! It's not clear cut, it's a gamble. Recovery is also one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Yet people judge you for not "doing the work" while therapy also isn't a "magic wand." Basically, it's all your responsibility. No, it works in tandem.

Yes, a person in recovery needs to hold themselves accountable and do their part, but they need a team behind them to support them as well. Isn't that what "you don't have to carry this alone?" is supposed to mean? Nah, people want you to quit whining, and go to therapy so you can get better and they don't have to deal with your problems anymore. Nah, help is a community effort, not an individualized process achieved through purchasing products on the market like people want it to be.

Ugh sorry to rant, so many feeeels.

******

What you wrote really resonated with me. I feel like I'm in a horror movie every day. How can people be at ease and care about shallow shit like cars, fame, and money? Do they not know what's going on in the world?

I alternate from angry, to horrified and full of dread and terror, to completely dissociated and numb, as if I were an empty shell. I'm going through trauma treatment, and it's horrible. I hate it so much. Fortunately my therapist is cool.

I'm still figuring out how do manage it. Luckily I have supportive people in my life I can be honest with, or else I would not be doing this and I'd be abusing substances or trying to ctb. Opening up to my boyfriend instead of being ashamed and hiding stuff from him has been crucial. I feel for anyone who has no one who can non-judgmentally listen.

Pm any time, can give discord, I'm on this place less as I'm prioritizing my personal recovery. Also, have you ever heard of Judith Herman? She was one of the pioneers of cptsd as a concept. I have a pdf of Trauma and Recovery if you want.

 

[calebzz1]

you know that feeling when when ur watching/just left a psychological thriller/hotel movie? Like you feel this unrelenting unease and almost fear even though you know you are totally safe, there are no worries to be had, and that your should feel retrospectively ok and or even good. But after said movie/show that feeling begins to fade, or you're able to be pulled out of it when something else redirects your attention. Unlike the later effect, this is how I feel constantly, and yea I know it's 'anxiety', but it never leaves no matter what I do. I've been on nearly every anxiety medication available. Ive been in therapy for for YEARS, even tried ECT. I've been trying to meditate and practice my breathing, gratitude, and safety with in myself, etc. but I can not find any sense of peace, relief, or even contentment. I feel so unwell all the time and would like for this to stop. It makes me want to stop existing at all just so it will go away. I feel like I can't do anything anyways because of it.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way.

I totally experience this daily, that "notch below" feeling where you are constantly wary of your surroundings and trying to process everything.

Personally, the low vision from my visual impairment leads to this constantly.

I don't get classic anxiety symptoms like my mom with the shaking and jitteriness but I always feel off.

Do you have an absence of hunger pangs as well?

I bring this up to my providers but they don't seem concerned.

Overall, I hope you feel better soon.

 

[lilb0wpeep]

May I ask how you were able to get approved for ECT? What was the approval process and procedures/sessions like?

It's not something I ever asked for or brought up. But after trying nearly every medication available not getting any better/benefits at all, being in and out of the hospital for attempts, having weekly Psychiatrist appointments among other mental health appointments, struggling with EVERYTHING, I was literally loosing it at that point so I agreed when they mentioned the idea to me. They said it would affect my memory a little bit around that time, and I would feel more tired than normal. But I can't remember most of that time, times from before it, even major/specific events that I have proof of happening.. just no memory or inclination of one. The brain fog was and sometimes still is so incredibly bad. It made my head aches/migraines worse, I am like 80-90% sure that it made me significantly dumber.
You do 8-10 rounds(I think) where they put you to sleep and then 'electrocute' you causing a seizure. Over time you would start to see a difference in your mood and what not. I did 12-19(can't exactly remember) and the entire time I felt no better… I was considered to have failed. Maybe a month or two later i do think my mood/perspective slightly changed for the better, though that lasted maybe two months.
I'm sure it also depends on your support system, many other personal, and outside factors. So for some it's helpful, and any benefits out way the negatives. I am not one of those people unfortunately. *note that I was around 17 at the time**

I have so much information on what's wrong with me and so many 'handouts' about recovery and trauma work +more, but still nothing actually gets better. I know I need to put in the work and nobody can do it for me, it's just that no matter how much work I put in it doesn't change. Let alone the fact that sometimes I literally can't do the work, no matter how much I want to, because the mental illness is taking over.

I'm sorry you also have/seem to feel this way. I truly wish that this awful curse would leave everybody alone.