Help almost felt better, then it all went to shit again.

[SOU_P]

ello, haven't been on in a while because, well, things were on the up n up. me relationship with me darlin was really fuckin great, n i felt like i was finally getting better.
nope!
suddenly we're both so fucking drained we can hardly even talk without shutting down and venting about how shitty we both think we are!!
i thought i had it, i thought i could actually live a life i genuinely enjoyed, but as per usual with me, i fuck it up. i ended up fucking abusing me bf with my sheer fucking incompetence, fucked me bf up n fucked me up too n i bloody hate meself for it. tryna grow from it n NEVER FUCKIN DO IT AGAIN, but now we're both so emotionally out of it that we can hardly hold a conversation without getting just plain depressed.
honestly, i want to die, to save him the trouble that i've brought him since we fuckin met, but he's told me that'd fuck him up a boat-load and i'd rather live in utter agony than do that to him. fuck my wants, fuck everything about me. i just want him to be happy, and i just ain't doin that for him anymore.
i thought i got to a point where i'd stop hating meself n beatin meself up for everythin, but it just came crashing down all over again n it's all me fault. i loathe how i've been treating him lately, i hate the fact i can't help him through anything anymore without just shutting down, i just want to fucking give him the world but the only thing i've given him is suicidal urges he hasn't fucking had in years, not until my shitty fucking ass came along n fucked all of his progress up.

i either want to know how to salvage this, take it as a learning experience n grow from it, or i wanna see how i can fucking kill meself without him gettin fucked up by me chugging the damn fungicide n seein what organ fails first.

 

[BojackHorseman]

I'm so sorry your going through all that.
I can relate with the self loathing. I also feel like a burden to my husband. A buzz kill. A party pooper. A ruiner of fun and happiness. I feel like he would have been happier and better off without me. I feel like my step kids would have been better off with a more mentally stable and healthy mother. My husand chose a wife and mother for his children very poorly. I ruin all I touch and no one is better off for having me in their life.
I think I understand how you feel, but I have no sage words of advice. Im sorry. All I have are words of empathy and that I understand how badly it hurts. I understand what its like to want to kill yourself so you stop hurting people, just for those people to say it would hurt them more if you did, but yet your existence hurts them, and its some sort of fucked up "catch 22" or paradox or something.
All the advice I know to offer is to maybe try some sort of couples therapy. Im sorry your hurting, I wish you the best.