^This felt the best way to title it while being clear of the content.
As always, I never planned to make it this long. Things will certainly be getting worse soon enough. I don't know if I have it in me to do anything this weekend though. I will go out and get alcohol, but that will probably just result in me "coping" not "attempting" - and quite frankly since waking up I haven't felt much of anything, just numb. Which tends to lead more to mindless activities and sleep than to doing anything worthwhile. But this is only slightly related to the topic, which is more dumb.
Since I will probably make it through this weekend and to Monday, I will be alive Monday. Being alive Monday means it's the birthday of someone who meant a lot to me and still does, but our relationship can just never go back to what it was no matter how much I wish it. Which leads to the dumb part - should I reach out to her and just say happy birthday? I'll hate myself more if I become the type of person who can't still reach out to people on their birthdays at least, since even if we're not really anything anymore to each other, I still care and I always will. It's such a little thing but so hard. I'm to a point where I've been good about not reopening any relationships that have drifted off since again I don't plan on long so I don't want to do that to anyone, and it ends up hurting me as well. I also know even if I reach out she'll probably respond once and then the interaction will die and that will hurt as well.
It all hurts to think of, and will hurt more in the future. Right now I am numb though so I'm just planning but so unsure and this will consume me so I need outside opinions. I'd appreciate any. Ideally I'd like to not make it through the weekend then I won't write since I can't and she won't even realize I'm not there. It would be the perfect end since I'd be gone and out of her life and it would be seamless. I guess I might still be holding on to her. When we don't even talk lol I haven't meant anything to her for a while. But I miss her and think of her every day still, as much as she broke my trust yet again. I don't know what to do and I'm too dumb to even figure out this. Once more, it's much appreciated any input.
As always, I never planned to make it this long. Things will certainly be getting worse soon enough. I don't know if I have it in me to do anything this weekend though. I will go out and get alcohol, but that will probably just result in me "coping" not "attempting" - and quite frankly since waking up I haven't felt much of anything, just numb. Which tends to lead more to mindless activities and sleep than to doing anything worthwhile. But this is only slightly related to the topic, which is more dumb.
Since I will probably make it through this weekend and to Monday, I will be alive Monday. Being alive Monday means it's the birthday of someone who meant a lot to me and still does, but our relationship can just never go back to what it was no matter how much I wish it. Which leads to the dumb part - should I reach out to her and just say happy birthday? I'll hate myself more if I become the type of person who can't still reach out to people on their birthdays at least, since even if we're not really anything anymore to each other, I still care and I always will. It's such a little thing but so hard. I'm to a point where I've been good about not reopening any relationships that have drifted off since again I don't plan on long so I don't want to do that to anyone, and it ends up hurting me as well. I also know even if I reach out she'll probably respond once and then the interaction will die and that will hurt as well.
It all hurts to think of, and will hurt more in the future. Right now I am numb though so I'm just planning but so unsure and this will consume me so I need outside opinions. I'd appreciate any. Ideally I'd like to not make it through the weekend then I won't write since I can't and she won't even realize I'm not there. It would be the perfect end since I'd be gone and out of her life and it would be seamless. I guess I might still be holding on to her. When we don't even talk lol I haven't meant anything to her for a while. But I miss her and think of her every day still, as much as she broke my trust yet again. I don't know what to do and I'm too dumb to even figure out this. Once more, it's much appreciated any input.
