advice on finding acceptance in the harm my exit will cause

[silliestclown]

sorry im probly bout to sound edgy af
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im so ready to go, so miserable with every day i'm still here, seriously the only thing that holds me back is my mom. she is disabled, and ive been her in-home caregiver since my teenage years. she has told me countless times that she couldnt live without me, that she would have to end her life if i ever left her. and i dont know how to stop being terrified of that thought! i never want to inflict that level of suffering on another person let alone someone i love so dearly. I'm at peace with the fact that my departure will have to cause a bit of pain, because I know everyone will move on and become better off in the end. everyone except my mom.
i know there's no real answer to this, but does anyone have any advice on how to like... achieve that final detachment? idk it sounds so selfish and awful.... but i just cant do this anymore. ive postponed my departure for years so I could be there for my mom, and I'm just reaching a point where I need to go. being gone is the only thing that will give me relief. but I can not bring myself to hurt my mom.
idk, hope that made at least a little bit of sense. thank you if you've took the time to listen.

 

[LittleJem]

If it's not a sick question, could you both go together? Is it something you could discuss with her?

 

[FuneralCry]

There is probably nothing you can do to stop those left behind from being upset. Suicide is a pain cycle, to end our pain, it passes it on to other people. Of course writing a note may give those left behind some closure and it could make them understand why you chose to do this, but as you said there is no answer really. I wish you the best. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Hotsackage]

I'm the same. Only reason I'm here is my mom. I wanna ctb everyday and every second. But can't even imagine the pain it will leave if I were to depart via ctb

 

[silliestclown]

If it's not a sick question, could you both go together? Is it something you could discuss with her?

it's actually something we've brought up many times through the years. but she seems to have reached a point of actually wanting to live, like she has hope for herself. and it lifts my heart to see her finally grasping that, I dont dare even bringing it up for fear of influencing her to do something she doesnt truly want anymore.
but yea tbh it's not a sick question to me tho, its felt like a very humane answer for a long time
so true, it's starting to feel like theres no real way around that pain cycle. thank you, I truly appreciate the kind words

There is probably nothing you can do to stop those left behind from being upset. Suicide is a pain cycle, to end our pain, it passes it on to other people. Of course writing a note may give those left behind some closure and it could make them understand why you chose to do this, but as you said there is no answer really. I wish you the best. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

I'm the same. Only reason I'm here is my mom. I wanna ctb everyday and every second. But can't even imagine the pain it will leave if I were to depart via ctb

gosh i really feel that with my whole being. im so sorry you too can relate to this suffocating almost purgatory feeling. it does feel some type of way to know at least that we're not alone in this feeling.