Venting Abortion, suicidal again due to finances, and daily intrusive thoughts of methods

[onlyusefulwhenused]

I had an abortion earlier this year. I regret it everyday…I already have two children (one is mentally an almost 2 yr old in an 6 yr olds body) and already struggle with them and my own mental health. My husband is the only one who works and I've been trying for a year now to find a job that I went to college for.

I've been told it was the right decision to abort. I am pro choice but I never thought I'd get an abortion myself. I tried throwing the pill up and it didn't work. I tried calling a pro life line to get hormones to save the pregnancy….i never got them because I know it wouldn't work.

the baby was not my husband's, he knew because we were on a break. I know that makes me look bad and the worst human alive. The other man made me feel pressured. He said he couldn't afford it and kept pressuring me.

In the end I decided to take the pill.

Ever since I have had daily thoughts of suicide. I think of gun to the head (I cannot own one and wouldn't), hanging or decapitation by train. I am a sinner and I must repent for my sins. I know Jesus and God hates me. I'm sure even random strangers online will hate me because it was another mans and the abortion.

I struggle with finances and am recovering from spending addiction. But everything went up in prices like daycare and our mortgage.

I just feel like if I hung myself and made it look like auto erotic asphyxiation then at least my family would get money. It would be humiliating to be found like that but my family would have money.

I want to do it. But my children, especially my oldest, and animals rely on me. Even though I am a sinner. I think about my kids wondering where I am everyday. It stops me. But I can't help but think everyone would be better off.

my insomnia is worse, can't eat, I am not brushing my teeth again, not showering and sleeping most of the day while my kids are gone. I sit on my couch all day not moving playing my games or watching movies. I feel like I'm almost catatonic and rely on my husband.

I want a job as an embalmer but I wasted years of college to be ghosted by jobs. To be denied.

I am sorry I sound stupid. I'm trying to fix myself. But I fall apart. Everyone relies on me when I can't care for myself.

 

[DoublingDown]

I'm so sorry for how you're suffering. I'm a parent to three kids, my oldest is 8 and is severely delayed due to being premature. I can understand your kids being a reason to stay, mine are the reason I'm still here. Everything you wrote feels like I spoke it into existence. The little I can do is watch my kids while my fiance works, after needing to leave my job due to how severely my mental health was effecting me. But that is the limit of what I can do, and I'm scared I'll deteriorate further to the point of not even being able to do that. My fiancé has played caretaker for so long already, and part of me wishes he'd give up on me so it would be easier to leave.

I don't believe Jesus or God hates you, not for anything you've said. That's not the Jesus and God I know and love. You did your best, what you believed to be the best course of action, in a really difficult moment. You don't sound stupid, you sound distressed. I hope things gets easier for you, life can be so exhausting when all you want and need is a break.