Mx_Pathetic
Delete
- May 8, 2023
- 155
I haven't experienced abandonment issues for 4 years because I stopped making friends and talking to people. However recently I realised how lonely I was, so I attempted to make online friends and I have.
But an hour ago I sent a post to one of them that said how happy I am that I met them and a joke that said "so glad you parents did it raw" I knew he'd find it funny but he responded with "yikes" (he said he responded to that because of how blunt it was, the raw part). My heart sank so quickly though, I responded with "yikes?" And for less than 10mins I didn't get a response and panicked and over thought it, so I deleted my question and the post. He noticed, ofc he did and he asked what was wrong..
However my mind had shut down. When he asked if I was okay I brushed it off "I'm fine". He kept asking to get in a call so we could communicate but I couldn't and I know I should've. I started self sabotaging without even realising it, trying to push him away, tell him to just go to sleep and that I wouldn't get into a call with him, I added "Don't waste your time" I haven't acted this way in so long and I was just immediately scared he'd leave when he said "yikes" and then it turned into this stupid mess.
Last message I got from him was "I'm going to sleep, I can't think straight right now" and I regret not talking to him now that I've had space to think and realised how I just completely self sabotaged myself. I feel so sick. I doubt I'll sleep tonight, I'll be to in my head about it. I'm gonna talk to him when I can..but I'm terrified I already fucked it up and there is no fixing it. I probably deserve it…I haven't changed apparently. How fun…
But an hour ago I sent a post to one of them that said how happy I am that I met them and a joke that said "so glad you parents did it raw" I knew he'd find it funny but he responded with "yikes" (he said he responded to that because of how blunt it was, the raw part). My heart sank so quickly though, I responded with "yikes?" And for less than 10mins I didn't get a response and panicked and over thought it, so I deleted my question and the post. He noticed, ofc he did and he asked what was wrong..
However my mind had shut down. When he asked if I was okay I brushed it off "I'm fine". He kept asking to get in a call so we could communicate but I couldn't and I know I should've. I started self sabotaging without even realising it, trying to push him away, tell him to just go to sleep and that I wouldn't get into a call with him, I added "Don't waste your time" I haven't acted this way in so long and I was just immediately scared he'd leave when he said "yikes" and then it turned into this stupid mess.
Last message I got from him was "I'm going to sleep, I can't think straight right now" and I regret not talking to him now that I've had space to think and realised how I just completely self sabotaged myself. I feel so sick. I doubt I'll sleep tonight, I'll be to in my head about it. I'm gonna talk to him when I can..but I'm terrified I already fucked it up and there is no fixing it. I probably deserve it…I haven't changed apparently. How fun…
I know it's really hard to deal with this type of fear and I don't know what he's like but you meant it in a positive way and I'm sure understands that, I hope everything goes well and I really can't imagine him leaving you because of that, it was a funny joke and I only wish you the best, I hope you can still get some sleep and if you need to talk about it I'm here :)
