SMxj9
30y old from 🇧🇷
- Mar 28, 2026
- 35
A summary of my life:
I am 30 years old. Between the ages of 10 and 11, I developed depression. I have taken many different medications over the years, but none have had significant positive effects. Some things that contributed to my developing depression were the bullying I suffered because of my appearance at that time, social phobia, and also around the same time my father cheated on my mother, which caused her to have many migraine attacks and possibly fibromyalgia, which left me constantly stressed because I cared. Around the same time, I also developed OCD. In my adolescence, I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. In my early adulthood, I lived in several different houses, never feeling comfortable in any of them, between relatives' houses, my grandmother's, my mother's... In 2014, I developed some degree of PSSD, which greatly compromised my sexuality and how I feel everything, including emotions... the anhedonia also worsened significantly. I feel that this second condition basically destroyed me and is the main reason I want to die. Feeling sexual pleasure was my only escape valve for depression, and psychiatry stole that from me. In mid-2015, I started having constant suicidal thoughts, but I never attempted suicide... I always thought it would get better at some point, and although some things did improve, my emotions and everything else about my sexuality never returned to normal, and for most of that time I couldn't seek help, and when I did, it was with doctors who didn't understand this condition or thought it was psychological. In 2018 I almost attempted suicide, but I was hospitalized for two days and after that, medication and therapy lessened my suicidal thoughts, at least temporarily... Last August I got tired of living like this, without feeling any pleasure and having my entire youth destroyed, I gave life an ultimatum: "either my health and life improve or I kill myself." I've already bought sodium nitrite and I hope I can use it this year. I'm tired, I no longer have the strength, intention, or reasons to keep living.
I am 30 years old. Between the ages of 10 and 11, I developed depression. I have taken many different medications over the years, but none have had significant positive effects. Some things that contributed to my developing depression were the bullying I suffered because of my appearance at that time, social phobia, and also around the same time my father cheated on my mother, which caused her to have many migraine attacks and possibly fibromyalgia, which left me constantly stressed because I cared. Around the same time, I also developed OCD. In my adolescence, I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. In my early adulthood, I lived in several different houses, never feeling comfortable in any of them, between relatives' houses, my grandmother's, my mother's... In 2014, I developed some degree of PSSD, which greatly compromised my sexuality and how I feel everything, including emotions... the anhedonia also worsened significantly. I feel that this second condition basically destroyed me and is the main reason I want to die. Feeling sexual pleasure was my only escape valve for depression, and psychiatry stole that from me. In mid-2015, I started having constant suicidal thoughts, but I never attempted suicide... I always thought it would get better at some point, and although some things did improve, my emotions and everything else about my sexuality never returned to normal, and for most of that time I couldn't seek help, and when I did, it was with doctors who didn't understand this condition or thought it was psychological. In 2018 I almost attempted suicide, but I was hospitalized for two days and after that, medication and therapy lessened my suicidal thoughts, at least temporarily... Last August I got tired of living like this, without feeling any pleasure and having my entire youth destroyed, I gave life an ultimatum: "either my health and life improve or I kill myself." I've already bought sodium nitrite and I hope I can use it this year. I'm tired, I no longer have the strength, intention, or reasons to keep living.
