After much introspection, I realized that my suicide can't be taken away from a place of unrequited, untranslatable anger. I just can't talk about it and release it in any sort of way the way my death could do. I can't help but feel that I want to die to hurt the people close to me. I want to prove to all of them that I just lied about who I was and what I love. I've long concluded that who I am is what I hate, and that this hate will only grow over time.
Sometimes, I feel pretty close to being a psychopath, but I never find the effort to push through with that. At some point, self-hurt didn't work as good anymore and it would be better if I inflicted pain to something or someone else. I've had my share of releases like that to the people around me, but I feel like I'm only inhibiting it for the worse. At some point, I'll really succumb to my hate, and I'll need some plan.
The idea is to never go through legally hurting someone else, and that I'd rather exert that anger towards myself in the form of suicide.
Here is a journal of my plans so far:
Not asking for anything particular but I'm posting this for accountability so that I'll follow this through.
Sometimes, I feel pretty close to being a psychopath, but I never find the effort to push through with that. At some point, self-hurt didn't work as good anymore and it would be better if I inflicted pain to something or someone else. I've had my share of releases like that to the people around me, but I feel like I'm only inhibiting it for the worse. At some point, I'll really succumb to my hate, and I'll need some plan.
The idea is to never go through legally hurting someone else, and that I'd rather exert that anger towards myself in the form of suicide.
Here is a journal of my plans so far:
- Dying, of course. I haven't been particular with any method but I've been wanting to burn myself alive. Pain tolerance would be an issue, but I plan on getting real drunk on alcohol and painkillers before doing it. I've thought it to be a good enough representation of the anger I feel. I've heard that the way that works, however, is that you end up choking on the carbonized air before you burn dying. It'd be more likely for me to die from shock from the pain.
- A SN method alongside a timed setup to burn myself might be ideal, alongside controlled burning setups to increase my pain tolerance for the months to come. I imagine the view to my family would be pretty tragic, though I haven't thought about the venue exactly. I'm asking if there have been any experiences of something like this in this forum.
- A suicide letter. I plan on releasing something detailing my feelings and plans for the world that I couldn't execute. It would be the me that never showed himself to the world. It would detail a grand rebuke of it, and every idea and person my hate has attached to. It contains the perfect philosophy I have of my own suicide. I plan on posting regularly about this suicide letter as I envision and idealize it throughout this process.
Not asking for anything particular but I'm posting this for accountability so that I'll follow this through.
