That's what living feels like to me. Maybe if things had been slightly different, I'd have a completely different outlook on life. But alas, this is the world I live in. Sorry in advance for the long read.
So, a little background on us: We used to suffer from DID, or maybe still do, as we don't inherently consider the multiplicity a disorder. Every last one of us is female, born into a phenotypically "male" body. As the primary "host" of this system for the past decade, I've suffered indescribable amounts of pain. I also suffered through our first puberty, thanks to the inaction of my predecessor (not that I blame her). It seems likely now that the DID was in part caused by the gender dysphoria.
I did end up medically transitioning the body, but it was too late. The scars run too deep. On my part, I now have C-PTSD, psychosis and medical trauma. Even something as simple as changing our legal name is made impossible by that. On the body's... even if we had the resources to fix all of that, it wouldn't do me much good anymore. I've already accepted death. Waking up in a cis body now wouldn't change a thing.
Over everything, I want to stop justifying my existence to everyone. The judicial system, healthcare system, our family, my friends. My own fucking therapist. All I want is the basic human right to exist. As myself. She'd throw us into a ward over that, so I can't even speak to her anymore (which of course, limits our resources further).
And if it were up to the others, I wouldn't even be writing this here right now. My being here is a direct threat to them and their livelihoods. But all the time they spend in their fantasy world, I have to deal with everything out here in the real world. I think at least one of them understands that.
Anyway as I see it, I have a year before my psychosis ends me up with a knife in my neck, like the girl before me. I'd much prefer a more peaceful way out than that.
(And yes, I find myself wishing more than anything that she'd succeeded. But y'know, see title.)
So, a little background on us: We used to suffer from DID, or maybe still do, as we don't inherently consider the multiplicity a disorder. Every last one of us is female, born into a phenotypically "male" body. As the primary "host" of this system for the past decade, I've suffered indescribable amounts of pain. I also suffered through our first puberty, thanks to the inaction of my predecessor (not that I blame her). It seems likely now that the DID was in part caused by the gender dysphoria.
I did end up medically transitioning the body, but it was too late. The scars run too deep. On my part, I now have C-PTSD, psychosis and medical trauma. Even something as simple as changing our legal name is made impossible by that. On the body's... even if we had the resources to fix all of that, it wouldn't do me much good anymore. I've already accepted death. Waking up in a cis body now wouldn't change a thing.
Over everything, I want to stop justifying my existence to everyone. The judicial system, healthcare system, our family, my friends. My own fucking therapist. All I want is the basic human right to exist. As myself. She'd throw us into a ward over that, so I can't even speak to her anymore (which of course, limits our resources further).
And if it were up to the others, I wouldn't even be writing this here right now. My being here is a direct threat to them and their livelihoods. But all the time they spend in their fantasy world, I have to deal with everything out here in the real world. I think at least one of them understands that.
Anyway as I see it, I have a year before my psychosis ends me up with a knife in my neck, like the girl before me. I'd much prefer a more peaceful way out than that.
(And yes, I find myself wishing more than anything that she'd succeeded. But y'know, see title.)
