avoid_slow_death
Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
- Feb 4, 2020
- 1,356
8 weeks until I can finally leave this awful life behind me. I have mixed emotions about this now that it's coming together. Of course a large part of me is happy and anticipating being able to escape this reality that is quite literally a living nightmare to me. I have been through a lot and my mind is broken permanently now. It will only get much worse from here and I refuse to put myself in a worse position yet again just to keep "living".
On the other hand.....
Something in me still yet wants to go on. Not because I love life or am afraid of dying, but more because of my natural curiosity and love for communicating with others. Although both have been dulled down considerably over the past several months, they still have a strong enough presence to give me slight pause in my decision.
Then there's the people still left in my life. I know my family is worried and cares about me. I did post some not so subtle things on Facebook to let everyone know what is potentially coming. Got a call from my cousin a week ago and while she never came out directly about it, she was strongly encouraging me to go visit our aunt and uncle this summer. She knew. She just knows I clam up when people ask me sensitive questions....
And finally, like the fucking idiot I am, a tiny part of me is hoping for another miracle like what happened four years ago to save me. Give me back my life from a couple of years ago so I can finally be happy again. Chances of that happening though are so astronomically low that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning AND winning the lottery in the same day....
In the end though, I need to stop with the howevers and the buts and the well maybes. All this does is prolong the inevitable and put me at a greater risk for an even worse situation to come into my life. No medications either because I have been so dark for so long that it is an integral part of my personality. It's a big reason I am so funny and insightful. Without it I would pretty much be very much like everyone else except even more plain. No thank you.
In conclusion, I just wanted to ramble on for a bit. None of the things I talk about here in such detail can I talk about to anyone else outside of here. There's a chance some kind of intervention might pop up if I did so I don't. Thank you for reading my sorry and self pitying whining. I do appreciate it. :)
On the other hand.....
Something in me still yet wants to go on. Not because I love life or am afraid of dying, but more because of my natural curiosity and love for communicating with others. Although both have been dulled down considerably over the past several months, they still have a strong enough presence to give me slight pause in my decision.
Then there's the people still left in my life. I know my family is worried and cares about me. I did post some not so subtle things on Facebook to let everyone know what is potentially coming. Got a call from my cousin a week ago and while she never came out directly about it, she was strongly encouraging me to go visit our aunt and uncle this summer. She knew. She just knows I clam up when people ask me sensitive questions....
And finally, like the fucking idiot I am, a tiny part of me is hoping for another miracle like what happened four years ago to save me. Give me back my life from a couple of years ago so I can finally be happy again. Chances of that happening though are so astronomically low that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning AND winning the lottery in the same day....
In the end though, I need to stop with the howevers and the buts and the well maybes. All this does is prolong the inevitable and put me at a greater risk for an even worse situation to come into my life. No medications either because I have been so dark for so long that it is an integral part of my personality. It's a big reason I am so funny and insightful. Without it I would pretty much be very much like everyone else except even more plain. No thank you.
In conclusion, I just wanted to ramble on for a bit. None of the things I talk about here in such detail can I talk about to anyone else outside of here. There's a chance some kind of intervention might pop up if I did so I don't. Thank you for reading my sorry and self pitying whining. I do appreciate it. :)
