ihateittoo
Member
- Jun 9, 2026
- 49
i didnt make a post for 3 days because last night i got tired pretty early and went to bed, but nothing interesting happened on that day so I didnt miss out on much
today is the 4th of july, americas 250th birthday. truthfully im no patriot but i did go out with my friends to a show and we made that our "celebration" of the 4th. however i ended up leaving fairly early and ill explain that
so i am moving in with 3 of my friends at the end of july or august. we had decided where 2 of the people's rooms were gonna be and it was me and my best friend left to decide between 2 rooms, 1 of which is a bit smaller than the others. the person who gets the smaller room gets $100 off of rent which is a nice deal. i wanted to talk with my friend about who would get the smaller room because of course none of us wanted to take it, but the main thing was i wanted to talk about it. but i just learned while i was out that apparently that choice has been made by me in some documents that were already signed by said friend. it feels so unfair to just be designated the shitty room. i think its stupid to care cause im going to ctb before i move in, but they dont know that. theyre screwing me over because they know im shy and wont say anything.
im so incredibly hurt by all of this, it feels like all of my friends dont even really like me all that much and just keep me around out of pity. im ready to die at this point. my life has been a constant struggle for years. me being trans will ensure i never have a career, it feels like my life is already over. im so tired all the time and my friends are starting to notice. i dont wanna go to band practice tomorrow. i want to spend my last day alive alone in my room getting high and watching tv. i may lie about being sick to get out of it tbh. i almost never miss practice and am always on time and communicate very well, i think ive earned it. they can practice without me.
two nights in a row ive gone home crying, im tired of all the pain im in. my smoking habits are bad, and my chest hurts a lot. im only 18, i cant keep this up for the rest of my life. but i dont think i could ever live sober. i feel alone so much, i miss having someone to text frequnetly. all of my friends are in relationships and i cant help but get a tad envious. i do miss having someone love me, and i dont think ill ever find love again. im very unattractive in a way most people would not look past. being alone is so hard, all my days feel so meaningless when i have no one to talk to them about. i spend a lot of time laying in bed fantasizing about having someone there for me, which sounds so pathetic to even type out. its rarely sexual nowadays, mainly just thinking about going on dates and spending time with another person who cares. i miss being in bed with someone and watching tv in each others arms.
tommorrow will hopefully be my last full day alive. then after that ill turn 19, talk to my family, open my gifts, then tell them that im going to see friends before i go off and do it. i think they'll probably assume i went out drinking and will probably only get concered by the 1-2am mark when i havent responded to their check in texts. i think they will wait until the morning to call the cops because they will likely assume I got so drunk I passed out but when I dont reply in the morning they'll know something is wrong. it'll kill my parents and that makes me so anxious. ive lived enough life, im ready to go.
today is the 4th of july, americas 250th birthday. truthfully im no patriot but i did go out with my friends to a show and we made that our "celebration" of the 4th. however i ended up leaving fairly early and ill explain that
so i am moving in with 3 of my friends at the end of july or august. we had decided where 2 of the people's rooms were gonna be and it was me and my best friend left to decide between 2 rooms, 1 of which is a bit smaller than the others. the person who gets the smaller room gets $100 off of rent which is a nice deal. i wanted to talk with my friend about who would get the smaller room because of course none of us wanted to take it, but the main thing was i wanted to talk about it. but i just learned while i was out that apparently that choice has been made by me in some documents that were already signed by said friend. it feels so unfair to just be designated the shitty room. i think its stupid to care cause im going to ctb before i move in, but they dont know that. theyre screwing me over because they know im shy and wont say anything.
im so incredibly hurt by all of this, it feels like all of my friends dont even really like me all that much and just keep me around out of pity. im ready to die at this point. my life has been a constant struggle for years. me being trans will ensure i never have a career, it feels like my life is already over. im so tired all the time and my friends are starting to notice. i dont wanna go to band practice tomorrow. i want to spend my last day alive alone in my room getting high and watching tv. i may lie about being sick to get out of it tbh. i almost never miss practice and am always on time and communicate very well, i think ive earned it. they can practice without me.
two nights in a row ive gone home crying, im tired of all the pain im in. my smoking habits are bad, and my chest hurts a lot. im only 18, i cant keep this up for the rest of my life. but i dont think i could ever live sober. i feel alone so much, i miss having someone to text frequnetly. all of my friends are in relationships and i cant help but get a tad envious. i do miss having someone love me, and i dont think ill ever find love again. im very unattractive in a way most people would not look past. being alone is so hard, all my days feel so meaningless when i have no one to talk to them about. i spend a lot of time laying in bed fantasizing about having someone there for me, which sounds so pathetic to even type out. its rarely sexual nowadays, mainly just thinking about going on dates and spending time with another person who cares. i miss being in bed with someone and watching tv in each others arms.
tommorrow will hopefully be my last full day alive. then after that ill turn 19, talk to my family, open my gifts, then tell them that im going to see friends before i go off and do it. i think they'll probably assume i went out drinking and will probably only get concered by the 1-2am mark when i havent responded to their check in texts. i think they will wait until the morning to call the cops because they will likely assume I got so drunk I passed out but when I dont reply in the morning they'll know something is wrong. it'll kill my parents and that makes me so anxious. ive lived enough life, im ready to go.
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