Your Failed Recovery Attempts

[!WILL!]

What have you attempted to do to recover from your depression, suicidal thoughts, etc and why did it fail? For me it's a mix of different reasons.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

God, where would I start. "Best" psychiatrists and therapists in the US Northeast. Hospitalization. High voltage bilateral ECT x 2. Multiple serious attempts at religion(s). Expatriotism in S America, Europe, N Africa, Asia. Starting own company in a bid for emancipation from wage slavery (massive fail). Living in every part of the contiguous US. Pop psychology. The whole get-out-there Meet-Up & other social groups thing. Community-therapy (groups...). Buddhist meditation teachers. Diet/exercise/personal trainers. Self-help seminars. Years living on 100+ acre rural property alone. Activism. Career changes.

The only things gained have been a remarkable lightening of my wallet, a deep mistrust of humans in general, and a terminal disillusionment with life. There are few platitudes more loathsome to me than "Hold on because you don't know what tomorrow may bring." Every year of my life has been vividly worse than the one before it. And countless recovery attempts have just exhausted me and my bank account.

Why did I fail? Simple. Like many, many others, I see life as pointless and breathtakingly cruel. But to exist, you have to both be hurt and to hurt. I don't want to be part of life. But I live in a country with hypocritical, draconian pro-staying-alive laws that oblige the discarded vulnerable to keep enduring the hell of virtually universally despised lives.

 

[Tomoko]

Well, I never really try. Sometimes they just naturally get buried if I am really distracted enough. Not to say I feel any less depressed, but rather I just don't have time to focus on the fact that I do feel that way.

 

[clown_17]

The psych ward, 12 medications, at least 8 psychologists. Emdr, cbt, dbt. All a waste of time. Atm Doing group therapy but know it's a waste

 

[wait.what]

It's actually easier to list the treatments I have NOT tried. Haven't yet given MAOIs a whirl. I don't want to, really. They sound like awful drugs. I have not tried ECT, although I've begged for it a multitude of times. Apparently I am "not a good candidate." (After this many failures, I am statistically "not a good candidate" for anything, actually.) I have not tried microdosing hallucinogens, which I'm not excited about. My admittedly limited experience with hallucinogenic drugs has made me very mistrustful of them.

I'm pretty sure I've dabbed every square on my therapy Bingo card. I've done your standard CBT, DBT, ACT, and EMDR, plus nondescript "talk therapies" and some weirder shit that is only just becoming fashionable or which was discredited 30 years ago.

I've also tried alcoholism, recovery, religion, getting into relationships, getting out of relationships, working 60 hour weeks, sitting around on disability and volunteering a little on the side to "keep me busy," moving across the country, moving back to the place I started from, and the like.

Why did all of that fail? My current theory is that my body just does not make one or more of the "happy hormones" necessary to feel pleasure and satisfaction in life. Or if it does make them, it's not in the right amount, or in the right proportion to my other neurotransmitters.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Tried meds and therapy despite knowing they wouldn't help, tried working and studying despite knowing it wouldn't help. What actually has had some effects for me is: 1. Lifting. 2. Meditation. 3. Constantly coming up with new mental gymnastics for dealing with the lack of gf.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Keep in mind, I am not depressed, yet everyone insists I must be and gaslit me for years about my physical illnesses and chronic pain.

I have tried somewhere in the range of 20-30 different medications. Every SNRI, every SSRI, every stimulant (even off label ones like Modafinil) copius amounts of IBS drugs and anti-enemics, various supplements and nootropics, alpha blockers, beta blockers, atypical antidepressants/anxiolytics like Mirtazapine, Buspar, Hydroxizine.. you get the idea.

In addition to all of the socially acceptable pharmaceuticals, I've also tried LSD, mushrooms, kratom, and many different forms of cannabis, with varying concentrations of CBD and THC.

Besides drugs, I've had around 10 years of on and off therapy, with over a dozen different therapists. CBT, mindfulness meditation, radical acceptance, breathing techniques, ABA, and regular talk therapy. You name it, I've probably tried it. EDMR doesn't help me in the slightest because I have little memory of my original trauma.

I've also tried many different lifestyle changes. I forced myself to do exercise for around 3 months or so, I could never build any endurance or stamina due to my physical disabilities. Eventually I had to stop.

Trying to do strenuous exercise while having an illness that physically prohibits your body from doing things is like trying to make an elephant climb a tree. I tried limiting my caffeine and sugar intake, but it only leeched the meager amount of fortitude I had left.

Before I got CFS and during the early stages after I was no longer bedridden, I was employed in very physically demanding jobs that only served to further damage my broken body. Ever since I was 16 years old, I had to work in fast paced stressful environments that took a toll on me physically and mentally.

So I busted my ass trying to get a sitting down job instead, as it finally reached the point where I physically could not hande that environment anymore. I was getting punished for getting ill so often, and the icing on the cake was being told by my manager that I was, "too retarted and slow."

Getting a more relaxed job environment did not ease any of my problems. Physical demands were replaced with equally taxing mental ones. The fact that I constantly asked questions and forgot information due to my cognitive decline was not looked upon favorably.

I have tried pursuing higher education and am currently struggling through a useless degree. I've forced myself to be social, to go out and meet people, yet the constant social rejection and the very act of having to conjure up compelling and socially acceptable conversation is exhausting in itself.

Hobbies were another thing I attempted, but it is damn near impossible to focus or engage with anything when you have Chronic Fatigue syndrome. I've dabbled in art, music, video games, card games, cosplay/costuming, knitting, and a plethora of other things only to never gain a modicum of profieincy in anything. I had to quit music because even holding my instrument hurt my muscles. The sunk cost, both in terms of finances and time, must be enormous.

When I was younger and could still drive, I travelled as much as I could within my home country. I went out of my way, no matter how uncomfortable it was, to try new things, to see new sights, and to meet new people. Nothing ever came out of any of it except further discomfort. I have accepted I'm too autistic to blend in.

I've left abusers even when my very life depended on them, taking up shelter in unfamiliar places simply because I was told by others that it was the right thing to do. Every single thing that's supposed to help a person "recover" and enjoy life has completely backfired for me.

I know I have done everything within my power. It is time to rest now.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I feel like I might have done better. I was on various medications like cymbalta, lamilept, wellbox and also tried supplementing methylated b12 and b6.

I tried cbt, but to be honest I do hate It. I don't like opening up to a unknown person about all my problems. Last time I decided to go there by myself so I can stay alive for family, but when I mentioned I took shrooms the whole thing was derailed and I felt I was in danger and she will call the police. I have been in therapy more than 10 times, which is nothing, I know.

I tried Meditation, also I tried going to the gym and being tough. Both didn't help. Shrooms don't help.

Well tbh I cannot really cure my problems. I can only manage them. I cannot cure having mild Aspergers or having cPTSD ( I don't know if it is cPTSD but I have really weird and overactive stress response and dumb stuff triggers me. Like older woman complaining, family dinners, or strangers that look simmilar to my bullies. I was also bullied for prolonged periods of time which fucked me up)

I cannot socialize, and on last party I attended to I was punched in a face and I had blood all over my shirt. I was invited to parties but my social life is artificial at best. I do felt better in places where weirdos meet, like punk rock festivals. Maybe I would do ok at furry conventions lol. I think that is a bit of life fuel.

Like many, many others, I see life as pointless and breathtakingly cruel. But to exist, you have to both be hurt and to hurt. I don't want to be part of life.

I also have similar views, which are also reasons for ctb, at least for me. I cannot stand thinking how many things can go wrong in life and I am scared of that. I can get cancer, become homeless or live in country torn by war. I mean, It is all groovy until it is not.

 

[intothenight]

Tried Therapy multiple times.
I don't know it it's like this with every therapist, but the ones I had seemed completely uninterested in what I had to say. They just sat there, with a blank expression, betraying no emotion whatsoever.
I guess that's okay, professional distance and all, but I'm supposed to open up about my innermost fears to a person who doesn't even blink when I tell them stuff?
And here, in Germany, you have to go through such a procedure to even find a therapist who has a space available within the next year... you have to call hundreds of them, get rejected hundreds of times - as a sick person who often can't handle rejection very well, because that's one of the main reasons for their disease. It's completely demeaning and inhumane.
And if you are lucky enough to find one and that therapist is just shit, you either stick with them because at least you got a spot, or you start the whole demeaning procedure all over again. It's as if the system actively discourages you from finding help.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I cannot stand thinking how many things can go wrong in life and I am scared of that. I can get cancer, become homeless or live in country torn by war. I mean, It is all groovy until it is not.

You're right--"It's all groovy until it is not." Then we have either the gen pop who still think their lives are groovy condemning us because we feel our own lives are not, or the mental health professionals dismissing our perspectives and judgments as "distorted thinking." Hence, sites like this one. And we're not even talking yet about all the hellish things that happen to the many trillions of other living beings because they live. :(

 

[fox_wannabe]

And we're not even talking yet about all the hellish things that happen to the many trillions of other living beings because they live. :(

Want to talk about it in dms? i do not want to offtrack the original topic off this thread

 

[patheticpartner]

After my first suicide attempt in high school, seeing my dad cry and hearing my parents tell me that nothing else matters to them just as long as I'm alive, I decided to live until my parents pass away. I went to university, did internships and undergraduate research, beefed up my resume, all while feeling like I was just a sim character in a simulation. I'm just going through the motions, and nothing really matters to me, so I changed my mind and decided that this was my last year alive. I'm undoing everything I worked towards and burning all my bridges.

 

[AnotherTragicName]

Trying to find good friends, sucess with women/ relationships, therapies, psychiaries, different meds, psychedelics, yoga, sports, self help seminars, travel the world and I almost became a buddhist monk in a monistary (lived there couple of months). I tried different professions aswell. Still, in the end I'm always the incompetent weirdo who's kinda standing next to reality instead of being in it. Oh, I also tried different hobbies and activities. Got all kinds of music instruments, went rock climbing in spain, camping, dancing, partying, hiking, (sober) shamanism, immersed myself in cooking, video games, movies, meeting people from the internet... Also went to an escort once... Hiked through the mountains with a dog...

I guess I always tried to use the chances that life threw at me, but it didn't really lead anywhere... I just couldn't sucseed in finding an okay-ish feeling of stabilty. Made a lot of different experiences, which I am very greatful for. But they all faded, like a drug-flush... And those things more stable, with potential for a future, always got knocked away by my instability.