restingplace
Student
- Mar 7, 2024
- 154
About two years ago now, I met this girl who I became very close to, she was a year older than me and very good at being manipulative (especially considering i was vulnerable and mentally ill) Long story short our friendship was awful and the worst experience I've ever had with any human in my life thus far.
Back in late 2020/ early 2021 I had some friends that I knew pass away. I felt ashamed for being so upset even though I wasn't very close to these people. As I've researched this a lot in the past years I've noticed that the year in which there were most teen suicides (atleast reported in my town as of recent) was in 2021. I told this friend about it and they didn't believe me, at first I felt extremely angry and upset, I still feel that to this day but today I've come across a diary entry that has changed my perspective a lot. I don't remember very much from around this time especially considering it was the pandemic so time blurred. In a diary entry from 2021 I wrote about having nightmares that would skew with my perception of reality, I remember having dreams of people hanging, jumping off this one specific bridge by my father's house, and a reoccurring dream of house fires. I remember the house fires dream made me extremely paranoid of my own house lighting on fire due to the fear of more loss. There was also a dream where I woke up in a cemetery nearby my house and at a funeral home.
Now, these dreams do not reflect what happened but I believe after hearing the news and being confused and in grief my brain might have either blocked out what happened or misplaced the information for the dreams, the dreams were vivid. I remember two events very clearly but the third one (the bridge one) I remember a lot less and feels like more of a distant memory that I can never focus on. I've been afraid to talk about this since my friendship with this person as it only caused issues but I'm going to bring it up with my therapist soon. My therapist knows about the deaths but not this that I have just discovered.
I feel fucking schizophrenic and so confused, it feels like I'll never have the real story. This has happened with other events too, the longer time passes the more obscure and nonsensical my memory around it becomes. I just want to forget it and move on.
Back in late 2020/ early 2021 I had some friends that I knew pass away. I felt ashamed for being so upset even though I wasn't very close to these people. As I've researched this a lot in the past years I've noticed that the year in which there were most teen suicides (atleast reported in my town as of recent) was in 2021. I told this friend about it and they didn't believe me, at first I felt extremely angry and upset, I still feel that to this day but today I've come across a diary entry that has changed my perspective a lot. I don't remember very much from around this time especially considering it was the pandemic so time blurred. In a diary entry from 2021 I wrote about having nightmares that would skew with my perception of reality, I remember having dreams of people hanging, jumping off this one specific bridge by my father's house, and a reoccurring dream of house fires. I remember the house fires dream made me extremely paranoid of my own house lighting on fire due to the fear of more loss. There was also a dream where I woke up in a cemetery nearby my house and at a funeral home.
Now, these dreams do not reflect what happened but I believe after hearing the news and being confused and in grief my brain might have either blocked out what happened or misplaced the information for the dreams, the dreams were vivid. I remember two events very clearly but the third one (the bridge one) I remember a lot less and feels like more of a distant memory that I can never focus on. I've been afraid to talk about this since my friendship with this person as it only caused issues but I'm going to bring it up with my therapist soon. My therapist knows about the deaths but not this that I have just discovered.
I feel fucking schizophrenic and so confused, it feels like I'll never have the real story. This has happened with other events too, the longer time passes the more obscure and nonsensical my memory around it becomes. I just want to forget it and move on.
