why the hell did i attempt

[jamesies]

rhetorical question, i know why. im just happy im still here and i can say that with confidence and not feel like im lying, finally.

i still feel so wracked with guilt. i cant imagine leaving my best friend without me, he isnt angry with me though.

thats all, im just a lot more hopeful than i was. a positive post even if its still kind of bittersweet

 

[EmptyBottle]

Glad you've also found the cool parts of existence (at least, if I'm reading correctly), hopefully conditions improve further.

 

[jamesies]

Glad you've also found the cool parts of existence (at least, if I'm reading correctly), hopefully conditions improve further.

honestly it was never a matter of feeling like i didnt have the cool parts of existence or didnt appreciate them. i knew i was loved. i had ambitions and things i cared about very deeply. that's part of what made it so confusing and isolating, because the pain didn't come from a lack of meaning, it just felt like living required a level of endurance i had finally lost. i say "finally" because i knew since i was child that eventually everything would catch up to me and id die by my own hand

knowing i had reasons to live didn't cancel anything out it just added guilt on top of it

 

[deny_conformity]

i still feel so wracked with guilt. i cant imagine leaving my best friend without me, he isnt angry with me though.

I imagine he's just concerned for your wellbeing and happy you're still here. My friends are similar even if they aren't able to support me with my suicidality. They keep saying "you can talk to us" but really you can't speak to normal people about suicide without causing unnecessary worry and distress. Like just because I can't stop thinking about suicide doesn't mean I'm a risk to myself; despite having several suicide attempts... yes I'm a walking contradiction.

thats all, im just a lot more hopeful than i was. a positive post even if its still kind of bittersweet

It's a good thing that you survived for your friend and you just need to learn to find somewhere to get support so you don't end up in the same situation.

knowing i had reasons to live didn't cancel anything out it just added guilt on top of it

You'll always have reasons to live, it depends on how these place against your suicidality. You shouldn't feel guilty about your suicidality, it's how we're wired.