Mistergeburt
New Member
- Jul 22, 2026
- 3
Most boring text you will ever read.
I want to start by saying that I should have a good life. I have a path, I have the skills, I have loving parents (although I don't really like them), there was no major bullying when I went to school, I'm also in my first real relationship (altough long distance) and everything should go be good. But it isn't. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like the world overwhelms me emotionally. I've been struggling for 8-9 years (since I was like 12-13). When I was around 17-18 it felt like my life got better when I was the loneliest. As I've always been socially anxious I'd always hope, someone talks to me, but that didn't happen so I had motivation to make myself more interesting. When I joined an online community and I wrote about my loneliness and all my emotions, I fell again. But this time it feels different and unfortunately worse.
I was feeling numb then, but now I can feel everything and I desperately wish the numbness to come back. I genuinely think about isolating myself again, so I have a reason to feel how I feel. Every day feels heavy for no reason. Even if I had no responsibility, I would be miserable - sometimes I would get to follow my plans/goals, but then I'm exhausted for a long time. I've also always hated myself. Apparently I said that I'm ugly and a worthless piece of shit in my young years and my mother would disagree with me and I stopped saying such things, but never stopped believing them. My girlfriend is the only person that makes me temporarily happy, but she might break up soon and I'm scared (the relationship is only 1mo old, but we've had a friendship for about 1.5 years before that).
But the method I've always dreamt of was CO. Or Pentobarbital, but that's like impossible to get. Now I'd also like SN as it seems to be easier to pull off. As I'm afraid of pain and "pressure discomfort", I would attampt other methods that may be more painful. When I first researched how to ctb these ways, I realized how hard it is to pull off when the country bans these chemicals for personal use. I also tried the darknet, but didn't find anything useful except cyanide pill providers, but cyanide pills are way too expensive.
I've wanted to ctb for a long time now and I have never had the feeling of "I'm so glad I hadn't ctb'd". I can distinguish between the impulsive want and a long-term thought. It's a mixture of both. I also feel like an imposter: "I'm just doing it for attention" and I have want to prove to myself that it's not just for attention and that I have to suffer quietly. "Others have it worse", "I'm just lazy", "I'm just weak", "I'm acting", .... My girlfriend knows about all of this and maybe that's the reason we formed a bond because she was also about to ctb and I was the only one being there for her.
Today I went looking for SN providers on the internet just to find that it's not up for sale for private customers (again). My girlfriend and I wanted to meet in about 3 weeks and my plan was/is that I'd ctb right after she leaves, but that's evil, isn't it. It's hard to imagine that someone can actually love me - and it's even harder when the person only really tells you this when you tell them first.
It also comforts me when I have the option to just end me whenever I want. And I feel uneasy when there is seemingly no way to end my suffering.
I guess my questions are:
I want to start by saying that I should have a good life. I have a path, I have the skills, I have loving parents (although I don't really like them), there was no major bullying when I went to school, I'm also in my first real relationship (altough long distance) and everything should go be good. But it isn't. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like the world overwhelms me emotionally. I've been struggling for 8-9 years (since I was like 12-13). When I was around 17-18 it felt like my life got better when I was the loneliest. As I've always been socially anxious I'd always hope, someone talks to me, but that didn't happen so I had motivation to make myself more interesting. When I joined an online community and I wrote about my loneliness and all my emotions, I fell again. But this time it feels different and unfortunately worse.
I was feeling numb then, but now I can feel everything and I desperately wish the numbness to come back. I genuinely think about isolating myself again, so I have a reason to feel how I feel. Every day feels heavy for no reason. Even if I had no responsibility, I would be miserable - sometimes I would get to follow my plans/goals, but then I'm exhausted for a long time. I've also always hated myself. Apparently I said that I'm ugly and a worthless piece of shit in my young years and my mother would disagree with me and I stopped saying such things, but never stopped believing them. My girlfriend is the only person that makes me temporarily happy, but she might break up soon and I'm scared (the relationship is only 1mo old, but we've had a friendship for about 1.5 years before that).
But the method I've always dreamt of was CO. Or Pentobarbital, but that's like impossible to get. Now I'd also like SN as it seems to be easier to pull off. As I'm afraid of pain and "pressure discomfort", I would attampt other methods that may be more painful. When I first researched how to ctb these ways, I realized how hard it is to pull off when the country bans these chemicals for personal use. I also tried the darknet, but didn't find anything useful except cyanide pill providers, but cyanide pills are way too expensive.
I've wanted to ctb for a long time now and I have never had the feeling of "I'm so glad I hadn't ctb'd". I can distinguish between the impulsive want and a long-term thought. It's a mixture of both. I also feel like an imposter: "I'm just doing it for attention" and I have want to prove to myself that it's not just for attention and that I have to suffer quietly. "Others have it worse", "I'm just lazy", "I'm just weak", "I'm acting", .... My girlfriend knows about all of this and maybe that's the reason we formed a bond because she was also about to ctb and I was the only one being there for her.
Today I went looking for SN providers on the internet just to find that it's not up for sale for private customers (again). My girlfriend and I wanted to meet in about 3 weeks and my plan was/is that I'd ctb right after she leaves, but that's evil, isn't it. It's hard to imagine that someone can actually love me - and it's even harder when the person only really tells you this when you tell them first.
It also comforts me when I have the option to just end me whenever I want. And I feel uneasy when there is seemingly no way to end my suffering.
I guess my questions are:
- Why am I like this? Is this normal? How can I change?
- Is it possible to get my hands on SN in 3 weeks?
- Are there other methods to ctb I haven't heard about which are also pieceful?
- If you were in my shoes, what would you do? How would you get out of this non-existent mess? Have you got any advice?
- Can anyone relate?
