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merumeru

merumeru

wish I wasn’t born
Aug 17, 2025
3
I'm not religious or anything but I'm so fucking scared of where I'll go after I ctb. I've never been good at anything my whole life I sucked at studying sucked at any hobby I did anything I tried I was bad at. People gave up on me I posted on Reddit "is it over for me if I fail my entrance exam" and everyone was shaming me even after I deleted the post it made it even worse for me they said stuff like "your too stupid and you will never make it in life even if you had passed" I don't understand why people are so mean. I don't have any friends anymore the one person I thought was my "friend" doesn't even see me as a friend she just sees me as a backup friend for when she gets bored. And for me I wish I had some fucking self respect to say no. I'm only 18 but I feel like my life has already ended I failed to get into a university my parents kicked me out but I'm okay with it because as soon as they found out I failed they beat the shit out of me and kicked me out onto the streets so now I'm living off couch hopping and love hotels because I have money from my part time job. But i feel like such a waste I wasted my life I didn't work hard to study because I was depressed from being abused by my parents everyday I hate how some people are born into normal families while I have it bad. I wish I had done something with my life I used to have a bright future I used to like dancing and was scouted by some companies and my parents refused to let me join. Because they thought "studying is better" but now I always wonder what if I had went down a different path. Anyways I'm just venting my life story I probably won't be here soon at least not make it to December
 
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Ashu

Ashu

novelist, sanskritist, Canadian living in India
Nov 13, 2021
824
What do you think might happen to you after you die? What was your family's religion?

If you find that you aren't ready to kill yourself yet, will you be able to keep the job you have or get a better one?
 
merumeru

merumeru

wish I wasn’t born
Aug 17, 2025
3
What do you think might happen to you after you die? What was your family's religion?

If you find that you aren't ready to kill yourself yet, will you be able to keep the job you have or get a better one?
My family followed Christianity and I remember during the early years of my life being forced to attend church with them and if I didn't they would beat my ass. So I didn't really believe in "god" because if god were real why am I living like this?. Right now I work at a cafe and earn minimum wage to pay for food and shower at love hotels I don't know what other job I can even qualify for.
 
collapsenik

collapsenik

22 | ask me about the climate crisis
Jun 1, 2023
45
hey. The shit that happened to you is not your fault. You're posting in recovery so that means you want to get better.
Any small choices you can make?
Also, I'm sure you're not stupid.
 
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starinthesky

starinthesky

mouse
Aug 13, 2025
24
Don't let anyone conflate your intelligence with some academic bullshit. Some people are just good at pumping stuff into their brain. Trust me, I have seen actual idiots in my uni.

I hope things will get better for you.. People don't see the shit hand you have been dealt, so fuck them. You are neither worthless nor stupid.
 
merumeru

merumeru

wish I wasn’t born
Aug 17, 2025
3
hey. The shit that happened to you is not your fault. You're posting in recovery so that means you want to get better.
Any small choices you can make?
Also, I'm sure you're not stupid.
Yeah it's not like I always wanted to die I really do want to get better but i can't. I don't even remember the last time I genuinely felt happy, everyday I always fantasize about hanging myself as a quick end to my pain but I'm always too scared to go through with it because what if I fail and end up like a vegetable then I'll be a burden for even more people
Don't let anyone conflate your intelligence with some academic bullshit. Some people are just good at pumping stuff into their brain. Trust me, I have seen actual idiots in my uni.

I hope things will get better for you.. People don't see the shit hand you have been dealt, so fuck them. You are neither worthless nor stupid.
Thanks for your kind words, it makes me feel a little better about myself after what everyone said about me I don't understand why some people are so quick to judge. I just wish my life had played out differently and I was born into a different life too then maybe I wouldn't be this way. I feel like everything is wasted because I couldn't pass the entrance exam I wasted my life and wasted my education and now I'm just existing with no purpose.
 
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collapsenik

collapsenik

22 | ask me about the climate crisis
Jun 1, 2023
45
Is there social support or anything you can rely on where you live? Any organizations or support groups? I think you can really benefit from having people who are non judgemental around you.
 

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