Venting Why is it so incredibly hard to die?

[PathtoDie]

Am I the only crazy one to think that it's almost impossible to kill oneself? I mean, I hear people off themselves over the news now and then, and wonder how in the world they succeeded. Either it's due to hanging or OD'ing or through some other method.

But I can't for the LIFE of me figure out a way to get out of this cruel world. I live with my family, and I never learned to drive or be fully independent, even though I'm 24(m). No way I can just buy some rope and somehow go through with it as SI kicks in hard. OD'ing on normal medical pills I have is not possible, the most I'll experience is probably throwing up a lot and going to the hospital. I had SEVERAL opportunities to off myself however, when I went hiking up a mountain with my father. I could've jumped off from the edge, most likely would've died, but SI stopped me. I even discussed with my dad multiple times as we were near the edge. He begged me to not do it at least for the sake of my mother whom I love very much and I resigned. We climbed down the mountain and that's that.

It's been years since that incident happened, and my family is STILL freaking out I might be suicidal so I can't just order a cab and lie to them.

Since a month or so I've been addicted to cigarettes and alcohol. No one in my family lineage smokes or drinks. I stumbled into it because of major depression due to a reason that's too personal and way too specific to share unfortunately.

Now since a couple of days I cut down from drinking 750ml of vodka a day to 180ml, 7 cigs to 3. Feeling irritable, freaking sleepless until like 7 AM, but I'm tapering it off somehow. No major side effects.

I wanted to get away from this world since many years, but basically the only time I could've done it is when we climbed that mountain. SI stopped me.

So I was wondering, why is there NO KILL SWITCH to our bodies like computers have? If something goes wrong in the system, it will give out an error and shut down. Imagine how much pain and suffering would've been avoided if we could just off ourselves whenever we wanted, especially in emergency situations.

I so wanna die, like oh my God do I want to. But I can't. I'm trapped in this useless body with a lot of health issues, both physical and mental.

Please share your thoughts, and thanks for reading my long rant.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

We're all with you pal.

 

[OzymandiAsh]

Sounds like you have a nice family tbh. Most of us have family issues so that makes CTB easier.

 

[PathtoDie]

We're all with you pal.

Thanks!

 

[searchingforpeace]

Because life is insanely cruel and evil

 

[PathtoDie]

Sounds like you have a nice family tbh. Most of us have family issues so that makes CTB easier.

Yeah, every single one in my family love me from their heart. And it goes both ways of course, but when it comes to killing myself? I just can't take the physical and mental pain anymore, so I can't think about the aftermath or how shattered my family will be. I just want to go away forever. Yet it's proving to be almost impossible...

Because life is insanely cruel and evil

Couldn't agree more.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I'm in the parking lot of the sporting goods store again, failing to buy a gun again. I comfort myself by thinking I can hang even though I've already tried it 5x and absolutely can't. That's suicide for you. I know a shotgun is painless (if you don't blow your face off) but I'm still too afraid. In a few minutes I'll go home again to post here about how I can't CTB. I've been doing this while too depressed to exercise, sleep, or eat for like five months.

Edit: yup, I found my excuse. I look too haggard in sweatpants and stubble. I need to shave and dress up tomorrow to go shopping. And I can just hang myself tonight. Sigh.

 

[behindtheveil]

Life does sometimes take you for every word you have thought of. Few years ago when I first started the ideation of ctb, my first thought went towards my mom as to how will it impact her. And low and behold the cruel mistress known as life actually took her away within the next 5 months and I was left completely alone. It was as if, it was challenging me and the same time tormenting me.

 

[Tellurian120]

The problem for me is that I have done some research into suicide methods and it's difficult to find one that is "best". For instance, I know that for hangings, it will hurt like hell if you constrict the airway rather than just the carotids/jugulars, and the thought of being in such agony makes me reconsider. I've also got a weird altruistic thing in me which makes me believe I can't use a method that would inconvenience several innocents, such as jumping in front of a train.

So I end up going to work, having a miserable experience, want to kill myself, then have a think through the methods... But the suicidal thoughts are getting worse and more prominent.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand, it's just so cruel and terrible how I cannot just have the option to find true permanent peace from this dreadful, torturous existence that just causes all this suffering, I see so much cruelty in how the option to just never suffer again is denied, I always suffer so much from being trapped in this existence that never should had been imposed, I hope you find the relief you search for.

 

[PathtoDie]

I really understand, it's just so cruel and terrible how I cannot just have the option to find true permanent peace from this dreadful, torturous existence that just causes all this suffering, I see so much cruelty in how the option to just never suffer again is denied, I always suffer so much from being trapped in this existence that never should had been imposed, I hope you find the relief you search for.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I wholeheartedly agree with you on all points. I hope you find it too...

 

[Raindancer]

I totally feel you. When I first came to this site, what shocked me is how difficult this is. I have 2 methods available to me and yet here I am. I am terrified of failing and making things worse.

 

[M_E_S]

That SI has such an iron throttle over even our most introspective realizations and desires. A biological software that is programmed to counteract and dominate every other consideration we might have, creating reasons not to CTB even when they are probably not realistic anyway or would have never occurred to us otherwise.

Yet those of us who recognize how difficult it is, and suffer even more struggling to see our goals through, possess a self-awareness and awareness of reality greater than most of our fellow sapiens. That's even more tragic and horrifying...to realize that the more aware and sensitive one is to the cold, stark realities of existence, the more most of us want to end ourselves. And how many millions, billions, carry on blind, willfully or not, feigning and contriving excuses to rationalize their own subtle microinjuries and self- harming behaviors because they refuse to peer into the abyss and acknowledge what we do. That's why they are so dead set on silencing us, keeping us alive of course, medicated and muzzled, but unable to speak or act lest we demonstrate another approach to life albeit one that undermines the power and influence of most political, cultural and religious institutions and by extension the beliefs they churn out that keep most humans mollified and manageable.

 

[PathtoDie]

That SI has such an iron throttle over even our most introspective realizations and desires. A biological software that is programmed to counteract and dominate every other consideration we might have, creating reasons not to CTB even when they are probably not realistic anyway or would have never occurred to us otherwise.

Yet those of us who recognize how difficult it is, and suffer even more struggling to see our goals through, possess a self-awareness and awareness of reality greater than most of our fellow sapiens. That's even more tragic and horrifying...to realize that the more aware and sensitive one is to the cold, stark realities of existence, the more most of us want to end ourselves. And how many millions, billions, carry on blind, willfully or not, feigning and contriving excuses to rationalize their own subtle microinjuries and self- harming behaviors because they refuse to peer into the abyss and acknowledge what we do. That's why they are so dead set on silencing us, keeping us alive of course, medicated and muzzled, but unable to speak or act lest we demonstrate another approach to life albeit one that undermines the power and influence of most political, cultural and religious institutions and by extension the beliefs they churn out that keep most humans mollified and manageable.

I couldn't have written it better myself. It hits you really hard when you realize just how difficult it is to exit this world when you absolutely have to, ONLY because of the majority of the population being told to be anti-suicide. In my opinion, they're brainwashed into thinking that if you're suicidal, they have to call 911 on you AND call you nuts, and that you have to seek "medical help" because they're conditioned into correlating suicide as a form of "mental illness."

I have not had this opportunity to pour my heart out anywhere else in the world, physically to a person or online. This is the only place where I can even remotely think about posting.

I realized just how dumbed down most of the human population is when it comes to suicide after coming across this site and analyzing my own thoughts. It's like all the governments in the world COMBINED want the average Joe to be locked up in the mental asylum at the mere thought of "suicide" because... well, you gotta have slaves who can prop you up in a comfortable position I guess.

Just imagine how nice it'd be if there were "suicide centers" that help you pass away peacefully in your sleep in one of their beds for a fee and a signature. The first thing even my own family will say is, "well, most of us wouldn't be alive now, would we if those centers existed? That's mad!"

Yet it's NOT mad to have them. Honestly speaking, who in the world cares if most of the population decided to off themselves? That's their decision to make, and the sky is NOT going to fall down if that really happened. I'm suffering here, every day, so I want OUT. Why can't people understand this simple equation? Being suicidal has NOTHING to do with having a mental illness. People are taught otherwise so SI is even stronger in them, even if they're suffering the most horrible of diseases for MONTHS. It's my choice whether to keep my body alive or not the second I gained consciousness. And even after becoming an "adult," you can't do anything about offing yourself due to the extremely paranoid legal rules unless you happen to be in a state where owning a gun is legal, or have access to easier methods.

Anyways, I'm rambling again, haven't slept the whole night just like when I added my post here. I'm having sleep issues probably due to the alcohol withdrawal but that's a whole another topic on its own...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts tho!

 

[Defenestration]

Parce que la vie est follement cruelle et maléfique

and because of SI