Venting Why is feel what I feel

[WritingLove]

So I'm quite new here but I need someone to tell my story to. I don't Know what to do at this point to make myself feel better or at least so much so that I can breath or do something. I was raped as a kid, like seven years old. Not raped in the conventional sense, the definition of raped is someone entering the body without consent, he made me suck him off on multiple occasions, he was very aggressive, he hit me, he kicked me, I slammed my head into a sink, he molested me, touched me everywhere. To a child who didn't know what sex was, or rape was, this was very traumatic. That might explain why I suppressed the shit out of it to the point I didn't know it happened to me. It all came back I think almost two years ago, In a series of flashbacks and dreams. At the time I didn't tell anyone, imagine having to tell you dad. My dad and I have a special bond, I understand him and he understands me, like without words. So when I had to tell him what happened to me, I could tell what it did to him, he was ready to kill. No one touches my daughter he said. I'll never forget that.

With something like this it feels like it's never over.I've had therapy, I've tried to work through it. But the flashbacks keep coming back. I keep feeling him on me, his hands, I feel the pressure. I feel so dirty and want to shower, but this kind of dirty a shower can't fix, a thousand showers can't fix.

this is not the only reason I want to die though, my whole childhood was fucked up, but that's a different story. Thanks for reading, I just wanted to share.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I can relate.
I have had many traumatic events along the same lines happen to me. The first was when I was 3.
I have no idea if he did it to me more then once, I only have one memory of it.
He did to me what yours did to you, the only difference is he was not aggressive and instead tried to manipulate me.
I got diagnosed with PTSD when I was 16, among other things.
I'm very sorry this has happened to me, I know what it is like to deal with this, and it is hell.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I'm sorry you went through all of that. I don't even have the words to describe how mad I am for you. I hope he rots in hell.

 

[ecmnesia]

I'm deeply sorry for the pain you've been through, and also very glad that you have your father's support. Unfortunately those things tend to mark us so deeply that nothing seems to be able to fix and I can only hope for it to eventually fade away so you can find peace. Wish you the best and I am always available if you want to talk.