Why does "tough love"advice work on some but not others?

[tommyhalpinkelly]

I believe the term tough love in nearly all cases is oxymoronic and is just a mask for abusive.

When it comes to non-suicidal and suicidal issues. A certain amount of people respond with guilt tripping along with pejoratives like "man up", "grow up", "toughen up". I've been told these but I can't understand why telling me this would make me change.

But it definitely "works" for some people.

I find it ridiculous because it's as if all I needed to do was to be guilt tripped or condemned and suddenly my behavior will change. As if we have control over our behavior.

 

[Mr2005]

I may or may not be the right person but it was the general approach I took if I thought someone was being stupid. I say it in the persons best interest and only if it's actually based on something. It's payed off before but it isn't without risk

 

[worldexploder]

Tough love is just another term for control. Life is tough enough.

 

[tommyhalpinkelly]

Some people respond better to it, than others.

I do, especially during times of high stress. When shit is falling apart, having someone tell me to toughen up or grow up helps me. But it has to come from a source I respect. If some asshole just says 'Threads, toughen up.' or 'Threads, Grow up.' I will respond with a 'Fuck you, don't tell me what to do.'

When it is someone close to me, I know that they understand my feelings, they know me, and if I am being 'childish' or if I do need some tough love, they'll know when I do.

Tough love works, but it has to come from the right person.

But how does it work?? I've been told that constantly and I don't see why saying two words in anger will change anything.

It seems very silly IMO because it's emotionally charged but worst of all completely unspecific to the problem at hand that I faced. I respond better to people laying out something for me.

 

[MAIO]

I believe the term tough love in nearly all cases is oxymoronic and is just a mask for abusive.

When it comes to non-suicidal and suicidal issues. A certain amount of people respond with guilt tripping along with pejoratives like "man up", "grow up", "toughen up". I've been told these but I can't understand why telling me this would make me change.

But it definitely "works" for some people.

I find it ridiculous because it's as if all I needed to do was to be guilt tripped or condemned and suddenly my behavior will change. As if we have control over our behavior.

Sounds like you should become a behavioral neuroscientist. You should have some control over your behavior or atleast the illusion of it. If you don't feel that, it sounds like you have a disorder which could be causing you to want to ctb. Depends on your values issues. Ie if you see your self as a warrior toughen up/get your shit would be effective. Where as if you are into many philosophy you see why that is nonsense

 

[Threads]

But how does it work?? I've been told that constantly and I don't see why saying two words in anger will change anything.

It seems very silly IMO because it's emotionally charged but worst of all completely unspecific to the problem at hand that I faced. I respond better to people laying out something for me.

Sometimes I need to be told something in an emotionally charged way. Sometimes that is the only way to really get through to me. It just depends on who it is and why I need to hear it that way.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I think it preys on the subconscious feeling some people have that their own behavior is somehow embarrassing and inappropriate. It may work for those that genuinely feel that about themselves. But for many, myself included, their behavior is unchangeable, or else they just become defensive when told to toughen up.

I was never a fan of tough love as such. It may be effective in some cases, but it operates on the flawed premise of trying to shame someone into change, rather than encouraging it from a place of kindness.

 

[AndyCurious]

Some people respond better to it, than others.

I do, especially during times of high stress. When shit is falling apart, having someone tell me to toughen up or grow up helps me. But it has to come from a source I respect. If some asshole just says 'Threads, toughen up.' or 'Threads, Grow up.' I will respond with a 'Fuck you, don't tell me what to do.'

When it is someone close to me, I know that they understand my feelings, they know me, and if I am being 'childish' or if I do need some tough love, they'll know when I do.

Tough love works, but it has to come from the right person.

Totally agree there..

 

[tommyhalpinkelly]

Ah, I love the responses on this thread. You see in the real word, this shit would never happen. People would be too emotional.

 

[TAW122]

I agree when just looking at the words here. I'd say personally, I don't respond to it well barring certain circumstances (like if the person was being realistic and honest about it). As a whole, yes it can be more damaging than helpful. For example, years ago when I was in college, I had an academic issues with my advisor and I didn't respond well to the criticism and tough love because of certain contexts and the way my advisor was framing it.

Some people respond better to it, than others.

I do, especially during times of high stress. When shit is falling apart, having someone tell me to toughen up or grow up helps me. But it has to come from a source I respect. If some asshole just says 'Threads, toughen up.' or 'Threads, Grow up.' I will respond with a 'Fuck you, don't tell me what to do.'

When it is someone close to me, I know that they understand my feelings, they know me, and if I am being 'childish' or if I do need some tough love, they'll know when I do.

Tough love works, but it has to come from the right person.

Sums it up pretty well. Especially the part has to come from a source I respect. I too would be defensive and ugly towards sources that I oppose when they tell me the tough love stuff. Another factor for me is how they frame it. In other words, their delivery, wording, tone of voice, and what not. If I get some sense that they are spiting (yes spite, not spit) me, then I'm much more likely to react negatively.

For example, "1221221 get over it" and said in a harsh brash tone with indifference and malice, then I'm like "fuck you, go eat shit and die" or something along those lines.

I think it preys on the subconscious feeling some people have that their own behavior is somehow embarrassing and inappropriate. It may work for those that genuinely feel that about themselves. But for many, myself included, their behavior is unchangeable, or else they just become defensive when told to toughen up.

I was never a fan of tough love as such. It may be effective in some cases, but it operates on the flawed premise of trying to shame someone into change, rather than encouraging it from a place of kindness.

Yeah for my experiences, I respond to change better from a place of kindness than from shame and guilt.

 

[tommyhalpinkelly]

I agree when just looking at the words here. I'd say personally, I don't respond to it well barring certain circumstances (like if the person was being realistic and honest about it). As a whole, yes it can be more damaging than helpful. For example, years ago when I was in college, I had an academic issues with my advisor and I didn't respond well to the criticism and tough love because of certain contexts and the way my advisor was framing it.

What happened if you don't mind me asking?

 

[TAW122]

What happened if you don't mind me asking?

Well, I had a class where I felt like I deserved an "A" but instead the professor was a bitch and decided like meh, you deserve a "B" even though I was close to an "A" (even if rounded up). I asked my academic advisor what to do and how to appeal and what not. He gave me advice but was a dick about it. He said something to this effect "You can try but if doesn't work, then you are gonna have to accept it and move on". I wasn't too happy about it since that was my semester that I could have earned a perfect GPA (4.0).

Needless to say, I've appealed and went through all the red tape and ended up with nothing. I was upset and stuff and wanted to react negatively to that professor due to the unfairness, but my academic advisor sternly and dickishly gave tough love stuff and scolded me hard to the point of tears and guilt that if I had retaliated I'd be in even more shit. I'm not going to say that I wasn't in the wrong as well, because I made some wrong decisions too, but he was a total dick about it and then I decided to drop him as my advisor and went to a different one who was coming more from a place of kindness. After that (which was late into my sophomore year in undergrad college), I stopped giving a shit about academics and just did the bare minimum to get by. I ended up with a lower GPA (like 3.3 or something) by letting courses that I could have gotten an "A" become "B's" and a few more C's than I'd like. Perhaps I might have gotten 3.5 or so if I hadn't decide to let my work ethic slide, but whatever.

I probably gave more information than I liked, but that's pretty much how it all went down.