Venting why do i want to talk to her again?

[threevoices]

im probably not gonna provide context in this thread to avoid reliving stuff since i know it would be bad for me, so you should probably read this first

i know how badly she hurt me, i ended up being able to talk about how much everything bothered me with the friend mentioned here not that long ago and i came to the conclusion this incident probably gave me ptsd. i went through all of the symptoms and i align with nearly every single one, so even if its not ptsd it did affect me severely enough to present with those symptoms

lately though, ive wanted her back in my life again. not for any actual reason though, there is not a single redeeming quality about her that would outweigh everything she did to me. but i cant shake it lately. ive been reading all of our message history (for self harm reasons) because... i dont know. aside from the self harm part i mean. i think its because ive just been so lonely lately, hell i mean i only had 2 friends and one of them just ghosted me a couple weeks ago leaving me down to just one. i feel like i did something to deserve this, and like i did something to deserve all of the terrible treatment people have given me, especially her. i know a lot of times victims will want to go back to their abusers for one reason or another, so thats probably part of what this is. im just confused why its only happening now.

i know its bad, but i want to be scared all the time again. i want to be horrified of whats going to happen to me next. maybe she harassed me with constant dms, maybe she isolated me from all my friends, including and especially her boyfriend at the time, maybe she used me as just something to get off to, but at least i felt something aside from being lonely all the time. im worried i dont deserve good things, but instead that i deserve this

 

[Persik]

I think you answered your own question. That person gave you new feelings, brought something into your life other than loneliness, and you probably felt that you were alive. What you lacked in your ordinary life, she gave you, although in such a perverted form. I don't think you want her specifically, you yourself understand in your head that nothing connects you. You want to get those feelings again. But they can be obtained in other ways, or find yourself another person.

 

[ctb★prince]

im dealing with the exact same problem, and persik is right, its not necessarily the person, but the things you associate with them. its the sudden loss of routine, the feeling of nostalgia. i succeeded at reconnecting with some people that abused me and ill have you know, its not worth it, whatever good there was, unless theyre actively trying to fix themselves, will be gone. most abusers dont really care to change, nor feel bad for what theyve done. i dont know why this happens to us, i judt know we dont deserve it