Why do I keep putting it off.

[piger]

I have CTB all planned out, but I just keep putting it off. (I haven't even bought the equipment yet or written all the personal letters I wanted to!) I'm not even hoping things to get better. A while ago I was subconsciously hoping that it would and I held on because of a few things; but now that all I had to live for is gone, I still can't follow through.

It used to be "at least make it till this" but now it's "I might as well do this first", "Eh, I'll just do it next weekend". Every day I wake up to the same self-made hell wishing for death and doing through the same mundane shit for months, years, and for what? I'm not afraid or anxious about it when I think; in fact I accepted my fate a long time ago. I think about what's on the other side, and I'm hesitant and distrustful to a point of what will actually happen to me. Will I be given peace and forgiveness, or will I continue to suffer? I probably am hesitant even though I don't feel it. I'm just tired of it all.

I did all I wanted to do before I went (i.e finish playing Yakuza, see my family and some friends one last time) but I just get caught up with other obligations/distractions like school or work, wanting to finish them. Every single day, every moment, the same thoughts and words go through my head as I pray for death. Yet, my lazy and procrastinative ass doesn't seem to want to put in the effort to go CTB. Does anyone else feel like this?

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

There is no rush, it is good you have some motivation to do things.

 

[DoneWithIt]

Even with 'everything planned' and having all the equipment it doesn't have to be today. I, somewhat purposely, ordered stuff I knew would take a while if it arrived at all. I have it now. Have skipped 3-4 opportunities.
Maybe it's tomorrow maybe it's not. I don't understand why I'm still here. Best I can offer is curiosity.

 

[Graytaichi]

Im sure in some time ,grow up you either find a purpose or not. Maybe you start a familyx maube too many things to forsee

 

[notsure04]

Im familiar with that feeling. always put it off. but I think ill finally do it when I ran out of money. It would be either ctb or homelessness and I take ctb. But im sad to go at the same time. Its weird.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I have never wanted to be alive but yet I am still here. I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult, there is the fear of failure and lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit. I think for me to finally leave this world I will need to be really desperate. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I know that it can be dreadful when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[LateToParty]

It's almost the same with me. I keep postponing, even though I'm quite sure there's no 'other side'. At this point I don't even care about peacefulness of the process. It is very exhausting.