WhiskeySolstice
Tired
- Feb 26, 2025
- 33
I feel like shit for burdening my loved ones. I feel terrible that I fail time and time again, and not even because of mistakes but just because of cowardice and idiocy from myself. And then I just hurt everyone, and one of my closest friends will inform me how much me "relapsing" on drinking w/o boundaries has made her sad, and that just makes me feel even worse. Like fuck, man. Talk about a good time to tell me how selfish and hurtful I am when you know what I'm going through… but again, I'm like, I do deserve it.
It's cruel of me, but sometimes I'll just agree with them about how selfish and stupid I've been, to hurt myself more. Because I hate myself, and I know I'm being cruel for using it to hurt myself further and justify my self-hatred but I'm too disgusting to do anything about it. My brain keeps replaying how everyone reacts. I keep shaking and crying and I feel so shitty. I genuinely think the most selfish thing I keep doing, is to keep reaching out to them. They tell me it would hurt them more if I actually died, but I'm not blind. I can see how terribly my fails are affecting everyone. They're scared to go to the bathroom to leave me alone. If I was gone, they wouldn't spend energy on me. It's only a matter of time… I feel like my life is destined to end at my own hands. Ahaha, I'm sounding so dramatic lol.
Anyways!
If anyone's reading this, uh, sorry, and hi! Remember to hydrate, summer's hot and heat-nausea is no joke!
It's cruel of me, but sometimes I'll just agree with them about how selfish and stupid I've been, to hurt myself more. Because I hate myself, and I know I'm being cruel for using it to hurt myself further and justify my self-hatred but I'm too disgusting to do anything about it. My brain keeps replaying how everyone reacts. I keep shaking and crying and I feel so shitty. I genuinely think the most selfish thing I keep doing, is to keep reaching out to them. They tell me it would hurt them more if I actually died, but I'm not blind. I can see how terribly my fails are affecting everyone. They're scared to go to the bathroom to leave me alone. If I was gone, they wouldn't spend energy on me. It's only a matter of time… I feel like my life is destined to end at my own hands. Ahaha, I'm sounding so dramatic lol.
Anyways! If anyone's reading this, uh, sorry, and hi! Remember to hydrate, summer's hot and heat-nausea is no joke!
