Why can't I find community anyhwere?

[pharma]

I am about to make a big Adult decision and keep telling the people in my life, looking for affirmation. But I feel like such a loser. I have a panick disorder and anxiety and depression and PTSD, and I feel like I'm experiencing everything all at once right now. I don't have any friends IRL that I can rely on. I'm not even the second or third choice. I seek community in online university servers but it's all these people with these inside jokes that I have to stand on the outside of. iI seek affirmation because I never had that growing up. I don't know who I am or waht I am doing, and yet I don't have a community that helps re-affirm that I am doing the right thing, that my happiness matters at all. It feels so pointless. I daydream and fantasize about being loved, getting fucked, and dying knowing that life was worth it.
I want to die knowing that I made the right choices, even if they were hard, but I can't know because I don't have anyone to hold me and tell me so. Is killing myself the right choice? I philosophize about death frequently and It's the only fair choice, because it is the one choice where you simply will not exist, and thus will not be privy to the consequences of that choice. "Your family will mourn!" I will be too dead to care. Ifi never spoke to them agian, I will live with that shame and guilt, and it is a disgusting and inhuman emotion.

 

[Ferret77]

This is pretty relatable, because I also have a lot of mental health issues/disorders and I have almost no support system, except one family member. I have a few online friends, but no irl ones either. It can be very difficult to manage every day problems all alone, especially when you see other people around you clearly have a lot of close ones to rely on.
Personally I mostly look for a community on discord servers as well, didn't have much luck either, but surprisingly I have made a few friends on this site, that have been very supportive, so don't be afraid to reach out.
About that adult decision, I'm sure you're doing the right thing. If it feels right for you, it has to be. Good luck with everything.

 

[Worndown]

Only you know when another day is one too many.
Anxiety and the related afflictions are terrible. Have you found others here with this? There are some methods to reduce the effects.
This community has a lot of experience, not all of it about exiting.

 

[boyafraid]

I relate to this too well lol. I have like one irl friend but we hang out once or twice a year ever since we graduated from high school. When it comes to family, I only have two people and don't rely on them for anything emotional. It's not easy living like this but I've grown very used to it. I have lots of social anxiety, and many traumatic experiences so I find it easier to talk with people online lol. Wish you good things in life (;

 

[starryend]

I totally get it, It's really hard to not have anyone telling you whether you're making the right choice, in the end you're the only one who can decide that for yourself. I hope at least this community is able to do some good for you, it helps a lot having people around that can understand what you're going through.

 

[frail]

if you are willing to talk about this decision you're making, i'd be willing to listen! i hope you choose what's best for you. always value ur self and what feels good to u. finding community that you feel apart of can be so challenging, but even if it takes a long time it doesn't mean there's no place for you. perhaps it could even be here?