MeltingHeart
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2019
- 2,151
Why can't I be more impulsive?! They say that alot of suicides are impulsive (well obvs not all-look at us lot with our weeks/ months of research ha), but I wish I was! So that I would have acted upon it already- I keep trying to 'trick' myself into being impulsive-telling myself fck it, come on, just do it etc. I'm wondering IF I lived in the States & nr the Golden Gate bridge-If i would have gone there-something about it appeals, not sure why (not saying its peaceful-it prob isnt). This is a terrible/ strange thing to say-but I almost wish I would suffer like a bout of 'temp' psychosis as you hear people do- that would suddenly drive me to do the act (obvs I would want the kind that only makes you act on self harm)...mind you I prob will eventually- you can only feel so despairing for so long before you feel like yr really starting to 'lose it', like my thoughts are increasingly dark-like weird things-like stabbing myself in the chest or nck!- def too 'sane' to do that kind of act at the moment-but still those thoughts & inner rage at self do seem to be increasing! Wish I was nr that bridge - or ideally the old elusive N :(
