moralfag
chronic suicidist
- Nov 5, 2025
- 22
Apologies for not posting in a while. Things have gotten a lot worse for me since my last post.
I thought things were going to get better, I really did. I was satisfied with where I was in life, and although things weren't perfect, I managed to live with it. I think if I was left alone for the rest of my life I would be okay. I could spend an eternity alone.
Why are human beings so evil? Why is it that so many of my classmates, teachers, coworkers, all find it entertaining to watch me suffer? I wish somebody would tell me what I have done to deserve this. I want to be able to fix it.
A few weeks ago I decided to open up to my best friend. I had been advised by others (parents, coworkers, therapist) to explain to her how I felt, because she was my best friend and she would never do something wrong…I knew this was a bad idea, and I still did it. I don't know why, but when someone suggests something of me I feel compelled to do it. Even if I know it's wrong.
I didn't give her many details and kept it as brief as I could, just explained to her that I was having a hard time. That some support from her would be nice. I don't know why I asked for this. I have done everything by myself and I should have continued to do so. Mixing up with other human beings is just a recipe for disaster.
I had asked her if it was okay for me to talk about something serious, since I would never want to just drop a bombshell on someone, and she had agreed that it was an okay time, yet when I had explained to her some of my feelings all she did was tell me to take it up with someone else because I was being annoying. I wasn't really upset with this, I know from personal experience that dealing with others' problems can be annoying, and I don't fault her at all for wanting to keep her peace. However, it didn't just end there. I wish it had.
The next weekend she invited me to hangout with her, and I agreed because I thought for a moment that someone actually wanted to spend time with me. That maybe I was capable of having friends and functioning in society.
All she did was take me razor shopping and flaunt different blades in my face in an indirect way to encourage me to just ctb. At first I thought that maybe I had misunderstood something, maybe I was just being sensitive and there was another reason for her shopping for only razors while along with me. Yet, when we finally quit shopping and went to her place, she tried her hardest to trigger my ptsd. Everything I had told her that I disliked she started to do, ignoring me when I asked her to please stop. I even found out she snuck blades in my bag to take home with me when I left.
I tried my best to be friends with her. I paid for all her dinners when we went out, I paid for her to get her nails done, I even listened to her issues and made sure to never do something she would disapprove of. I don't know why she did this, and she refuses to talk to me now.
I had spent a few months in hospitalization and met some alright people, so being the stupid human being I am, I thought that maybe there truly were people out there that weren't completely evil. Now I come back to getting stabbed with pencils in school and getting beat by guys my age. I hate everyone. I want to just be alone forever.
I hope you are having a better day than I am, much love to all of you..
I thought things were going to get better, I really did. I was satisfied with where I was in life, and although things weren't perfect, I managed to live with it. I think if I was left alone for the rest of my life I would be okay. I could spend an eternity alone.
Why are human beings so evil? Why is it that so many of my classmates, teachers, coworkers, all find it entertaining to watch me suffer? I wish somebody would tell me what I have done to deserve this. I want to be able to fix it.
A few weeks ago I decided to open up to my best friend. I had been advised by others (parents, coworkers, therapist) to explain to her how I felt, because she was my best friend and she would never do something wrong…I knew this was a bad idea, and I still did it. I don't know why, but when someone suggests something of me I feel compelled to do it. Even if I know it's wrong.
I didn't give her many details and kept it as brief as I could, just explained to her that I was having a hard time. That some support from her would be nice. I don't know why I asked for this. I have done everything by myself and I should have continued to do so. Mixing up with other human beings is just a recipe for disaster.
I had asked her if it was okay for me to talk about something serious, since I would never want to just drop a bombshell on someone, and she had agreed that it was an okay time, yet when I had explained to her some of my feelings all she did was tell me to take it up with someone else because I was being annoying. I wasn't really upset with this, I know from personal experience that dealing with others' problems can be annoying, and I don't fault her at all for wanting to keep her peace. However, it didn't just end there. I wish it had.
The next weekend she invited me to hangout with her, and I agreed because I thought for a moment that someone actually wanted to spend time with me. That maybe I was capable of having friends and functioning in society.
All she did was take me razor shopping and flaunt different blades in my face in an indirect way to encourage me to just ctb. At first I thought that maybe I had misunderstood something, maybe I was just being sensitive and there was another reason for her shopping for only razors while along with me. Yet, when we finally quit shopping and went to her place, she tried her hardest to trigger my ptsd. Everything I had told her that I disliked she started to do, ignoring me when I asked her to please stop. I even found out she snuck blades in my bag to take home with me when I left.
I tried my best to be friends with her. I paid for all her dinners when we went out, I paid for her to get her nails done, I even listened to her issues and made sure to never do something she would disapprove of. I don't know why she did this, and she refuses to talk to me now.
I had spent a few months in hospitalization and met some alright people, so being the stupid human being I am, I thought that maybe there truly were people out there that weren't completely evil. Now I come back to getting stabbed with pencils in school and getting beat by guys my age. I hate everyone. I want to just be alone forever.
I hope you are having a better day than I am, much love to all of you..