Title.
I need to explain honestly: I am not starving, not dying of thirst. I have no terminal disease and I even have a room of my own with books that I like and love. Strangely enough, I even have 5 or 7 people I can name off the top of my head that like/tolerate me and talk with me and that's really, really fine.
So maybe that's the reason I'm 'fine.'
Maybe, maybe. maybe. I truly wish I could paint you a horrible picture, give some good excuse for my feelings and twist words enough so that you can say 'I know exactly how you feel.' But I don't have that. I simply don't. Objectively: I still have my life before me and all that. I still have mistakes to make and problems to have and it is never as bad as one thinks.... Yeah.
Except I'm tired of that. Not even so tired that I couldn't sign up on a great forum that openly discusses suicide tired (I mean I've done it now), but tired on a fundamental metaphysical level that I know what I wish I had.
I want to die.
I want to die but every time I feel like that after drinking too much my mind is quite amazing, quite practical. I immediately tell myself to go to sleep, to clean my room, to remember good things. This new year was my most depressing year ever, but my room has never been cleaner. I don't understand this.
I am tired of this. I am fucking annoyed by this (and I only swore because it's the only thing that brings me out of this feel)
But I really do objectively know that my existence has not improved the world one single bit. The best I can say is that I try not to annoy or piss off people, but even that would be a lie, because I've never been in that much of control to NOT annoy people somewhere somehow. Plus, I'm black (Dun dun duuuun) Yeh bet you didn't see that coming. Or maybe did you did? In that case, bravo.
Sorry, mods if this is not a post that belongs to this forum, but I have written it so yeah.
I am here because I'm a coward but I do want to learn how to die, so please help a noob out.
I need to explain honestly: I am not starving, not dying of thirst. I have no terminal disease and I even have a room of my own with books that I like and love. Strangely enough, I even have 5 or 7 people I can name off the top of my head that like/tolerate me and talk with me and that's really, really fine.
So maybe that's the reason I'm 'fine.'
Maybe, maybe. maybe. I truly wish I could paint you a horrible picture, give some good excuse for my feelings and twist words enough so that you can say 'I know exactly how you feel.' But I don't have that. I simply don't. Objectively: I still have my life before me and all that. I still have mistakes to make and problems to have and it is never as bad as one thinks.... Yeah.
Except I'm tired of that. Not even so tired that I couldn't sign up on a great forum that openly discusses suicide tired (I mean I've done it now), but tired on a fundamental metaphysical level that I know what I wish I had.
I want to die.
I want to die but every time I feel like that after drinking too much my mind is quite amazing, quite practical. I immediately tell myself to go to sleep, to clean my room, to remember good things. This new year was my most depressing year ever, but my room has never been cleaner. I don't understand this.
I am tired of this. I am fucking annoyed by this (and I only swore because it's the only thing that brings me out of this feel)
But I really do objectively know that my existence has not improved the world one single bit. The best I can say is that I try not to annoy or piss off people, but even that would be a lie, because I've never been in that much of control to NOT annoy people somewhere somehow. Plus, I'm black (Dun dun duuuun) Yeh bet you didn't see that coming. Or maybe did you did? In that case, bravo.
Sorry, mods if this is not a post that belongs to this forum, but I have written it so yeah.
I am here because I'm a coward but I do want to learn how to die, so please help a noob out.
