Why am I SO hung up on them!?

[OverTheRainbow]

So I broke up with my ex four weeks ago. They seemed very interested in me and called me clingy and overbearing. I left them alone and then they started dming me wanting to talk to me and when I didn't respond they were like 'okay I'll stop bothering you now sorry' and pulling all that crap. I start talking with them again and they seem so eager to hang out with me, so we hang out and then they're back to pulling the cold act again. I tell them I still like them and if they're not interested they should just let me go but they say they still have feelings for me but can't be in a relationship right now, they don't want me to stop talking to them because they'd be sad. They're OBVIOUSLY stringing me along and obviously keeping me on a hook but I am still stupidly hung up on them. Why can't they tell me there's no chance so I can move on. They seem so uninterested in talking to me 50% of the time but then there's times when they seem to genuinely like me and are fun company and I keep holding onto that... I'm sick of it...


Why can't I just let him go. Why can't he let ME go. Whenever I try to tell him it's obvious he's not interested in me he pulls the 'it's not that I don't want you I just don't want to jump right back into things right now.' it just feels like he's toying with me and I hate how much of an idiot this is making me.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i know this is easier said than done, but i think you should just cut them off, or limit contact with them to the best of your ability. breakups are hard, but you shouldn't indulge them in their little "game".

 

[watsonsmith]

@VIBRITANNIA is right. You should cut them off. This is a typical hovering behaviour where someone tries to build up their self-esteem by having people care or think about them. I have been on both ends of such behaviour and it can be devastating. I know it must be hard, but don't get dragged down into this cycle, please.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Stages of a relationship with a narcissist: idealization, devaluation, discard. The discard can be overt, or set up that their behavior is so egregious they force the other to break up with them. The cycles can repeat. Sounds like he's been devaluing you for a while and is heading for the discard. Also helpful to look up hoovering behavior that comes after the discard[*], flying monkeys, and smear campaigns (you said he's got people who think he's great and wouldn't believe you, they're flying monkeys and would take part in the smear if that were to happen). Really good to go total no contact with him and everyone he associates with.

GoodTherapy | Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism

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www.google.com

*Mentioned by @watsonsmith above


Why are you hooked on them? The prior hot-cold behavior literally hooks one like a drug.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

On my, been there done that. I think one goes back and forth because Anybody sometimes seems better than Nobody. Break up, incredible loneliness, go back with the hope that one of you will change and it will be different. Nope. Break up and do it all over again.

I agree with others -- cut it off (god that is so hard to do). He is using you as a stop gap between looking for someone else. It will not change. Is that what you want? The hurt from back and forth will, over time, do more damage to you than the initial pain of a total cut off.

I do so feel for you.

 

[262653]

Why did you use "they/them" pronouns, but at the end switched to "he/him"?