Honestly idk if I should do it or not. If I don't right now, I will have to suspend my uni studies, admit to my family what has been going on with myself (they think I am fine), and honestly it would complicate my exit, should I change my mind. I'll have to decide by the end of next week, since past that point I'll have to leave uni regardless, in my situation.
I've had it planned for months now, but I've procastinated my death again and again, because at the end of the day I fear it so.
It really does get difficult to continue, and even if I don't do it now, I'll have to do it sooner or later, since I refuse to study or work for a life that quite frankly I dislike. I'm not in the absolute worst state, but when it does get bad, it hits like a fucking truck and I genuinely can't cope with it.
I have an exit method secured (helium), with everything necessary. All I really need to do is deal with financial stuff, destroy some stuff, and then I can go to a hotel with the equipment and do it. I am only 18, but I see what my life will invariably be in the years to come. There isn't a way out of my predicament, really. A girl who I had strong feelings for left me quite a few months ago, and since that point I've been planning to kill myself, because I don't really feel I have much to live for. I'm never going to love anybody else like that again, and to be honest it's permanently changed me as an individual.
I love my family, and I feel terrible about this, which is probably the main reason for my ambiguity.
I suppose there are still a few, small reasons I might want to keep going, but I kinda wanna die before the abyss really, really sets into me, and I suffer the consequences. The only reason it's all tolerable is because I have the idea in my head that I can and will kill myself. Honestly I feel afraid of committing.
I don't know. If I'm gonna do it, it'll have to be sometime next week. I just feel so alone in all of this. Nobody knows how I am, and for good reason. There are some other things, but that's it for now.
I've had it planned for months now, but I've procastinated my death again and again, because at the end of the day I fear it so.
It really does get difficult to continue, and even if I don't do it now, I'll have to do it sooner or later, since I refuse to study or work for a life that quite frankly I dislike. I'm not in the absolute worst state, but when it does get bad, it hits like a fucking truck and I genuinely can't cope with it.
I have an exit method secured (helium), with everything necessary. All I really need to do is deal with financial stuff, destroy some stuff, and then I can go to a hotel with the equipment and do it. I am only 18, but I see what my life will invariably be in the years to come. There isn't a way out of my predicament, really. A girl who I had strong feelings for left me quite a few months ago, and since that point I've been planning to kill myself, because I don't really feel I have much to live for. I'm never going to love anybody else like that again, and to be honest it's permanently changed me as an individual.
I love my family, and I feel terrible about this, which is probably the main reason for my ambiguity.
I suppose there are still a few, small reasons I might want to keep going, but I kinda wanna die before the abyss really, really sets into me, and I suffer the consequences. The only reason it's all tolerable is because I have the idea in my head that I can and will kill myself. Honestly I feel afraid of committing.
I don't know. If I'm gonna do it, it'll have to be sometime next week. I just feel so alone in all of this. Nobody knows how I am, and for good reason. There are some other things, but that's it for now.
