Discussion Where in life are you right now?

[kovu]

So, I am here:

I've been done with school for around 2 months now. Hadn't been able to do anything for the first month as I still had to go through physical and psychological examination a second time - for the compulsory conscription in Austria, that is. Twice, because my mental well-being wasn't good enough for them the first time, and - who would've thought? - nothing's changed over the course of a year and I'm still unfit. So, now that I'm done with school and officially unfit for military service, I'll have to find a job. I have no money - parents who haven't even figured out their own lives yet, let alone their financial situation, shouldn't bring children into this world; surprise, surprise -, no interest in anything, no ambitions, no motivations, ...

However, I'm most likely going to move in with a friend in the coming months - currently living with my mother and my little sister. Though I don't know why he even bothers with me, as he's found numerous new and better friends over the last few years and prefers to spend time with them. But I don't want to trail off, it's my fault - or rather the fault of my upbringing - can hardly go to parties and stuff when even thinking about approaching the cashier at the local bookstore gives me tachycardia. Still, I blame myself.

Yet, this whole moving-out thing doesn't solve the problem I have. I've been thinking about killing myself for years and even tried it once. Quite impulsively, I hate to say, otherwise, it might've worked. Still, I can't do it anymore, not so long as I live with people who would suffer if I did it as they would be the ones to find my body. Therefore, I'll have to keep going for a while, until I manage to find a job, finally get a flat of my own and with it, all the privacy I need.

That's pretty much where I am right now. I'll have to keep acting as if everything's alright, just so that the day I receive what I've longed since I was able to understand the concept of it - independence - I can off myself.
What about you?

 

[Suspect_Device]

I'm two years away from graduating college (I'm late 30's but look young enough to fool people) but have been hit by three separate and atrocious health problems in the space of a year. I might barely have the physical fortitude to finish what I started with school but I see my future as completely hopeless and I think I'm headed for a nervous breakdown this semester. I'm trying to procure a gun and find a quiet spot in the wilderness where I can be undisturbed for awhile to end this charade. Does the waiting and planning and pretending not make you exhausted?

 

[etchings]

Nowhere. And everywhere; I'm all over the place.
Not in a fun, cute, quirky way- in a horribly unprepared and disheveled way.
I graduated mid-May and moved out of my parents house before June. I moved in with a friend that I thought was going to help me, after my parents kept everything that I needed to start my life, after they had already refused to help me the way parents should.
Turns out, the friend just wanted to manipulate and use me, and that's exactly what happened. I got pretty much SA'd constantly, and was screamed at or ignored for the rest of the time.
Then, they kicked me out, and I came to my cousin's house. Now they're telling me I can't stay here. I don't have many more options as I have to stay in the area for work, because I don't have a car or my license.
Then, my little sister tells me yesterday that my parents are putting down my childhood pet and I am NOT allowed to come see her before they do so.
Now I'm on the brink of every kind of exhaustion and I don't know where else to turn.
Just about an hour ago I looked up ways to kill myself because that's how I saw this night going. Then I found this website and it's been delaying my death for a while since then.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm in the "getting my affairs in order stage, which means selling off some of my possessions, getting my will made, finishing up others' end of life business, procuring the supplies for my ctb, etc". I guess I would call it the "resolute" or "resolved" stage. Definitely much further along than where you are.

You know, you don't have to ctb where your friends might find you. You could always rent a storage locker and do it there. Or a hotel room. Of course, you do need to get a job to pay for either of those options first. I'm just saying you don't have to have your own place (flat) to ctb. You can do it in the woods if you want. Or, in public if you desire.

 

[Suicideorgy]

I am in a fairly similar situation. I am jobless, homeless and also have massive anxiety like you. I cant keep feeling scared of every noise, jumping out of my skin. Any time I get into a social situation, it feels like someone just whipped out a gun and pointed it to my head. Or you turn a corner and there is a huge snarling wolf ready to attack. I also dont have a drivers license or any transportation. Thats not why I dont have a job, honestly its the anxiety.

I have tried cbd, cbt, breathing techniques, the only thing that helps is alcohol and I dont want to become an alcoholic. I havent tried going to a doctor as I dont have any money.

 

[Zegers]

Im sick in disability, bitter and exhausted and i've realized im at a point where my mental-physical state is too low on energy to go on like this much longer, i don't want to, either. So I'm at the point where I'm just trying to do some things until i can leave.

 

[ge0rge]

hell

 

[outrider567]

Mentally, I'm near the bottom, guess I should be used to it by now....but I'm not

 

[Lone Wanderer]

My wife left me, I'm in severe debt, my self esteem is gone, and I'm about to be homeless. Just overwhelmed with anxiety & depression at this point. Lost a lot of weight and slowly losing my energy/motivation to do anything. Sooner or later it'll be lights out for me. It's just a matter of when & how. But Overall I had some good memories in life. I guess before I go I want to make a few more that way I can carry them into the afterlife if there is one.

 

[imcurious]

I'm 20 years old. I'm a sophomore in college so I have two more years until I graduate. I study molecular biology and I currently balance a job at a healthcare clinic. From the outside it looks like I'm doing fine. Fortunately, my tangible circumstances are manageable; I have financial support, and I have a decent immediate family. I should not be one to complain about my life and yet I do. It makes me feel guilty.

I've always been nihilistic and have suffered from major depression all my life. I have social anxiety and exhibit extreme anxious-avoidant tendencies. I spent all four years of high school completely alone. I couldn't make any friends because I was terribly insecure and not confident. The first two years of college was a difficult transition and I wasn't able to make meaningful memories or friendships due to being socially withdrawn. My best relationships in life have eventually withered because I don't have the motivation or energy to keep moving forward with any of them. It is all just a facade.
How do I describe any of this…I feel like I'm at the point in life where I'm just going through the works. I go to college because I'm supposed to. I work because I'm supposed to.
I do all of these things because I have to. I feel as though my social anxiety has held me back so much in life that I forgot to live, develop any sort of hobbies or personality, lifelong friendships and relationships, and that's what makes life so meaningless for me.

I'd like to say some parts of my childhood were traumatic but it's such a fuzzy memory that I can't point to exactly which events have caused me to act as withdrawn as I do. All I know is I wish I had meaningful memories in life. It's so pathetic to watch other people my age do everything somewhat right. And all I allow myself to do is sit and observe, but never participate. The world passes with and without me.

I have thought about CTB but I'm no where near developing a thorough plan. I feel incapable of joy and happiness. Why would I want any of this if I can't experience social connection, the thing I want most?

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I'm 20 years old. I'm a sophomore in college so I have two more years until I graduate. I study molecular biology and I currently balance a job at a healthcare clinic. From the outside it looks like I'm doing fine. Fortunately, my tangible circumstances are manageable; I have financial support, and I have a decent immediate family. I should not be one to complain about my life and yet I do. It makes me feel guilty.

I've always been nihilistic and have suffered from major depression all my life. I have social anxiety and exhibit extreme anxious-avoidant tendencies. I spent all four years of high school completely alone. I couldn't make any friends because I was terribly insecure and not confident. The first two years of college was a difficult transition and I wasn't able to make meaningful memories or friendships due to being socially withdrawn. My best relationships in life have eventually withered because I don't have the motivation or energy to keep moving forward with any of them. It is all just a facade.
How do I describe any of this…I feel like I'm at the point in life where I'm just going through the works. I go to college because I'm supposed to. I work because I'm supposed to.
I do all of these things because I have to. I feel as though my social anxiety has held me back so much in life that I forgot to live, develop any sort of hobbies or personality, lifelong friendships and relationships, and that's what makes life so meaningless for me.

I'd like to say some parts of my childhood were traumatic but it's such a fuzzy memory that I can't point to exactly which events have caused me to act as withdrawn as I do. All I know is I wish I had meaningful memories in life. It's so pathetic to watch other people my age do everything somewhat right. And all I allow myself to do is sit and observe, but never participate. The world passes with and without me.

I have thought about CTB but I'm no where near developing a thorough plan. I feel incapable of joy and happiness. Why would I want any of this if I can't experience social connection, the thing I want most?

It sounds like some of the elements of your life are actually quite substantial and supportive. I recommend therapy and even a stint with anti-depressants if necessary. You sound like you have a depressive temperament. That's some thing that I experienced myself my entire life with intermittent periods of inspiration and joy. You are young with lots of potential to bring meaning to your life. I wish you the best.

 

[imcurious]

It sounds like some of the elements of your life are actually quite substantial and supportive. I recommend therapy and even a stint with anti-depressants if necessary. You sound like you have a depressive temperament. That's some thing that I experienced myself my entire life with intermittent periods of inspiration and joy. You are young with lots of potential to bring meaning to your life. I wish you the best.

Thank you for your kindness. I would like to be as hopeful and hold out until I experience life a little longer. Wishing you peace in return.

 

[kovu]

I'm two years away from graduating college (I'm late 30's but look young enough to fool people) but have been hit by three separate and atrocious health problems in the space of a year. I might barely have the physical fortitude to finish what I started with school but I see my future as completely hopeless and I think I'm headed for a nervous breakdown this semester. I'm trying to procure a gun and find a quiet spot in the wilderness where I can be undisturbed for awhile to end this charade. Does the waiting and planning and pretending not make you exhausted?

It sure does, but I've felt a little different ever since I tried to ctb tbh. Before I tried it, it felt crushing and... like something so unimaginable, you know? But now that I know how to do it and how to do it properly for my next try, I feel like as long as I get it done soon enough, that's enough. It's hard to explain and I'm sorry for your health problems, that certainly does make it more difficult and I should be more appreciative of my health, but yeah. I certainly can't get a gun and I'm extremely afraid of heights, so I'll stick with partial hanging and waiting a little longer in order to not be found by ones who'd be negatively affected by it seems like a worthy trade. It's a waiting game. Wish you the best

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Thank you for your kindness. I would like to be as hopeful and hold out until I experience life a little longer. Wishing you peace in return.

As a young person you do have a big advantage and that you can dream as big as you want and simply start at the bottom and work your way up… all you have to do is just show up and put in the time…

The tricky part can be trying to figure out what actually interests you… I was never able to figure out my true calling in life… I was always waiting to be inspired and obsessed and It never quite happened… So I've spent decades flailing one way or another…

But if you're young you do have time to try different things… Good luck

 

[kovu]

Nowhere. And everywhere; I'm all over the place.
Not in a fun, cute, quirky way- in a horribly unprepared and disheveled way.
I graduated mid-May and moved out of my parents house before June. I moved in with a friend that I thought was going to help me, after my parents kept everything that I needed to start my life, after they had already refused to help me the way parents should.
Turns out, the friend just wanted to manipulate and use me, and that's exactly what happened. I got pretty much SA'd constantly, and was screamed at or ignored for the rest of the time.
Then, they kicked me out, and I came to my cousin's house. Now they're telling me I can't stay here. I don't have many more options as I have to stay in the area for work, because I don't have a car or my license.
Then, my little sister tells me yesterday that my parents are putting down my childhood pet and I am NOT allowed to come see her before they do so.
Now I'm on the brink of every kind of exhaustion and I don't know where else to turn.
Just about an hour ago I looked up ways to kill myself because that's how I saw this night going. Then I found this website and it's been delaying my death for a while since then.

Glad that you've found this place, then. Things definitely don't seem to be going your way and I'm sorry for that, but, in my opinion, this here shouldn't be rushed. Trust me, I know of shitty parents and having nowhere to turn to, yet still, I can't give you any kind of good advice. I'd be miserable if my cat died. I hope things change for the better for you, and you're definitely not alone in this.

I'm in the "getting my affairs in order stage, which means selling off some of my possessions, getting my will made, finishing up others' end of life business, procuring the supplies for my ctb, etc". I guess I would call it the "resolute" or "resolved" stage. Definitely much further along than where you are.

You know, you don't have to ctb where your friends might find you. You could always rent a storage locker and do it there. Or a hotel room. Of course, you do need to get a job to pay for either of those options first. I'm just saying you don't have to have your own place (flat) to ctb. You can do it in the woods if you want. Or, in public if you desire.

Yeah, I've thought about stuff like hotel rooms. I'd just want to distance myself from everything and every one before I do it. I wish I was as far along as you are, not a fan of the stage where I am at. Yet before I can do anything, I'll have to get a job first, everything else comes after that, as you said. I, for one, wish you swift progress for your resolute stage, getting everything in order can be quite the challenge. Good luck, dude

 

[Graytaichi]

So, I am here:

I've been done with school for around 2 months now. Hadn't been able to do anything for the first month as I still had to go through physical and psychological examination a second time - for the compulsory conscription in Austria, that is. Twice, because my mental well-being wasn't good enough for them the first time, and - who would've thought? - nothing's changed over the course of a year and I'm still unfit. So, now that I'm done with school and officially unfit for military service, I'll have to find a job. I have no money - parents who haven't even figured out their own lives yet, let alone their financial situation, shouldn't bring children into this world; surprise, surprise -, no interest in anything, no ambitions, no motivations, ...

However, I'm most likely going to move in with a friend in the coming months - currently living with my mother and my little sister. Though I don't know why he even bothers with me, as he's found numerous new and better friends over the last few years and prefers to spend time with them. But I don't want to trail off, it's my fault - or rather the fault of my upbringing - can hardly go to parties and stuff when even thinking about approaching the cashier at the local bookstore gives me tachycardia. Still, I blame myself.

Yet, this whole moving-out thing doesn't solve the problem I have. I've been thinking about killing myself for years and even tried it once. Quite impulsively, I hate to say, otherwise, it might've worked. Still, I can't do it anymore, not so long as I live with people who would suffer if I did it as they would be the ones to find my body. Therefore, I'll have to keep going for a while, until I manage to find a job, finally get a flat of my own and with it, all the privacy I need.

That's pretty much where I am right now. I'll have to keep acting as if everything's alright, just so that the day I receive what I've longed since I was able to understand the concept of it - independence - I can off myself.
What about you?

Fuck school
They dont teach art, money, the world. Teachers are just a bunch of bookworms.

 

[kovu]

I am in a fairly similar situation. I am jobless, homeless and also have massive anxiety like you. I cant keep feeling scared of every noise, jumping out of my skin. Any time I get into a social situation, it feels like someone just whipped out a gun and pointed it to my head. Or you turn a corner and there is a huge snarling wolf ready to attack. I also dont have a drivers license or any transportation. Thats not why I dont have a job, honestly its the anxiety.

I have tried cbd, cbt, breathing techniques, the only thing that helps is alcohol and I dont want to become an alcoholic. I havent tried going to a doctor as I dont have any money.

Yeah, I don't have a driver's license, either. That's another challenge, for sure. And alcohol definitely does help against anxiety, but I just hate the taste of it, to be honest. I also don't really have a lot of friends and have too much anxiety to go drinking with anyone. I think if I'd do it alone in my room, I'd get even more depressed. Still, it's nice to not be alone in this stage, and at the same time, not really. I hope you manage to leave it as soon as possible, anxiety is a terrible thing and makes life a lot harder, in literally every regard. Wish you the best

Im sick in disability, bitter and exhausted and i've realized im at a point where my mental-physical state is too low on energy to go on like this much longer, i don't want to, either. So I'm at the point where I'm just trying to do some things until i can leave.

You sound pretty resolute, so I hope things'll go your way until you can leave. Good luck, dude

My wife left me, I'm in severe debt, my self esteem is gone, and I'm about to be homeless. Just overwhelmed with anxiety & depression at this point. Lost a lot of weight and slowly losing my energy/motivation to do anything. Sooner or later it'll be lights out for me. It's just a matter of when & how. But Overall I had some good memories in life. I guess before I go I want to make a few more that way I can carry them into the afterlife if there is one.

Sorry to hear that. I wish you luck in making a few more good memories, probably the best way to spend one's life before doing it. I've personally always hoped for nothingness at the end of it all but to each their own. Good luck, mate.

I'm 20 years old. I'm a sophomore in college so I have two more years until I graduate. I study molecular biology and I currently balance a job at a healthcare clinic. From the outside it looks like I'm doing fine. Fortunately, my tangible circumstances are manageable; I have financial support, and I have a decent immediate family. I should not be one to complain about my life and yet I do. It makes me feel guilty.

I've always been nihilistic and have suffered from major depression all my life. I have social anxiety and exhibit extreme anxious-avoidant tendencies. I spent all four years of high school completely alone. I couldn't make any friends because I was terribly insecure and not confident. The first two years of college was a difficult transition and I wasn't able to make meaningful memories or friendships due to being socially withdrawn. My best relationships in life have eventually withered because I don't have the motivation or energy to keep moving forward with any of them. It is all just a facade.
How do I describe any of this…I feel like I'm at the point in life where I'm just going through the works. I go to college because I'm supposed to. I work because I'm supposed to.
I do all of these things because I have to. I feel as though my social anxiety has held me back so much in life that I forgot to live, develop any sort of hobbies or personality, lifelong friendships and relationships, and that's what makes life so meaningless for me.

I'd like to say some parts of my childhood were traumatic but it's such a fuzzy memory that I can't point to exactly which events have caused me to act as withdrawn as I do. All I know is I wish I had meaningful memories in life. It's so pathetic to watch other people my age do everything somewhat right. And all I allow myself to do is sit and observe, but never participate. The world passes with and without me.

I have thought about CTB but I'm no where near developing a thorough plan. I feel incapable of joy and happiness. Why would I want any of this if I can't experience social connection, the thing I want most?

A lot of that hits close to home. The fuzzy, traumatic childhood memories, always being socially withdrawn and unable to make a real connection, the missing out and wishing you were a part of it. I've always told myself it gets better as soon as I'm independent, yet I've lost faith in that. The problem is not with anything around me, but with me myself. Of course, the circumstances could've been better, but yeah. I understand where you're coming from and I've asked myself your final question quite a few times. I hope you figure it out because I haven't.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I don't live, but instead I just exist. I know that there is absolutely nothing here for me in this world and that the future will just get worse, yet I am still here as suicide is so difficult. It is extremely cruel and selfish to deny people the option of euthanasia. I don't want to be anywhere in life, and I have suffered enough at this point. All that I do is try to pass the time and wish that I am gone. I am so tired of it all. I see no point to enduring life when instead I could be peacefully not existing.

 

[kovu]

In my case, I don't live, but instead I just exist. I know that there is absolutely nothing here for me in this world and that the future will just get worse, yet I am still here as suicide is so difficult. It is extremely cruel and selfish to deny people the option of euthanasia. I don't want to be anywhere in life, and I have suffered enough at this point. All that I do is try to pass the time and wish that I am gone. I am so tired of it all. I see no point to enduring life when instead I could be peacefully not existing.

If peaceful euthanasia were an option, I'd be long gone as well.

 

[Graytaichi]

Yep. Suicidal rates will balloon if peaceful euthanasia were an option. Thats why its closed. They will be some innocent ones , some genuine ones. Gov will not approve them.

 

[Hope:-)]

I am at a point in life where I am considering whether or not I can actually go through with suicide. I do not want to live in this world anymore, but I'm not sure I can go through with it.

 

[kovu]

Yep. Suicidal rates will balloon if peaceful euthanasia were an option. Thats why its closed. They will be some innocent ones , some genuine ones. Gov will not approve them.

The sad but undeniable truth, and the reason why we're here.

 

[Graytaichi]

I am at a point in life where I am considering whether or not I can actually go through with suicide. I do not want to live in this world anymore, but I'm not sure I can go through with it.

Take it easy buddy. Life is abt unexpected changes. U will find a soul mate , have a family and live happily.

 

[kovu]

I am at a point in life where I am considering whether or not I can actually go through with suicide. I do not want to live in this world anymore, but I'm not sure I can go through with it.

You should definitely refrain from anything rash for as long as you have any kind of doubts. Suicide not only ends you, but it also ends everything you could've ever been. It's the biggest decision and deserves appropriate absolution.

 

[Hope:-)]

You should definitely refrain from anything rash for as long as you have any kind of doubts. Suicide not only ends you, but it also ends everything you could've ever been. It's the biggest decision and deserves appropriate absolution.

The doubts are only due to the physical pain of it.

 

[Graytaichi]

Its end of show. You have to take it very very seriously. Some of us very down , extreme poveerty, uncurable illness. They are at the end of the road. Friend , u may find a soul mate and it will change all. U need encouragement . Live is abt unexpected changes.

 

[kovu]

The doubts are only due to the physical pain of it.

That part's keeping many of us here, I'm sure.

 

[HappyForever?]

In college, getting decent grades, but horribly alone.

 

[kovu]

In college, getting decent grades, but horribly alone.

Sorry to hear, wish I could give you advice but loneliness has me firmly in its grip, too.

 

[JinZhin]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, I am in a somewaht similar situation regarding parents and lack of financial stability. I am still in uni, unfortunately didn't do very well and been failing/not even showing up for exams these past two years since my life was basically put on hold due to covid, moving back in with my family in a small town in the middle of nowhere, having no money, no hope etc.
I recently moved out into a very small studio, got an okay job and I plan on going back to studying for uni stuff.
Looking from the outside, things are most likely better but I still feel very depressed, always tired and not very hopeful about pretty much anything. I hate being alive and I don't even have it that bad...I mostly contemplate on how much worse things can, and innevitably will get and it's ruining my life
I guess I feel unfulfilled as these past couple of years were nothing but bunch of failures, I know I'm still young but I couldn't stand living a lot longer like this