When you're so clueless to your own feelings that you don't even know if you're really suicidal or not

[Cauliflour]

I don't know if this was brought up in my autism diagnosis but I think I have alexithymia, which basically means I can't read my emotions for shit! How am I? Good question, I don't know! It's really fucking annoying me cause I can tell something's going on in my stomach but I can't tell for the life of me if that's supposed to be hunger, fullness or what. It's even worse when it's period time cause the cramps are in a similar place and I genuinely can't tell the difference so I just gotta think logically based on how much food I ate last meal and how long ago was it, and it's not really fool proof cause it can be like 15 minutes after eating a big meal and I feel something. Then touch sensitivity likes to fuck with me by making random body parts feel weird all of a sudden for no reason so I don't even know if it's actually a feeling or not. This is why I've never bothered with therapy because describing how I feel and talking personally about myself are 2 things I can't do for the life of me and I get so annoyed at myself when I see these posts of people here who are like "I am so miserable, I know what to do now" cause I'm so jealous: you guys can actually figure out where on the suicide scale you are. I could be horribly depressed for all I know but I don't have a pile of rubbish in my room or terrible hygiene habits, mostly cause I force myself to keep looking presentable to keep possible motivation levels as high as I can cause if it's really high then I can read it and figure out what to do with my day.

I can feel annoyance and anger quite easily, as well as anxiety. Dunno about the other emotions as then I'm doing guesswork based on like if I feel the need to wave my arms around.

 

[Rockman]

Sometimes unawareness is bliss.

 

[jsker]

I can't tell what my emotions are intuitively, I more get an idea from what I feel like doing most in the moment. If I'm here im probably feeling apathetic, if I'm scolding my coworkers I'm angry and If I feel like going out I'm happy. But it all feels the same, I'm acting on what my impulses are and my actual emotions are in the background. It leads to absolutely 0 self awareness and no self control, its hell.

 

[tellingthetruth]

This is why I've never bothered with therapy because describing how I feel and talking personally about myself are 2 things I can't do for the life of me

Not a good reason to avoid therapy imo. Therapy is not just about you being able to identify your thoughts and feelings yourself. A good therapist is listening for what you aren't saying and can't grasp about yourself. I warned my therapist when I first started that I have quite low self-awareness and that I might come in week to week with wildly different takes on what is going on for me. This was totally fine and is something that she helps with. An outside perspective can shed light on the parts of you that you really cannot see on your own. I'm not saying this is the answer to all your problems (otherwise I wouldn't be here with you on SaSu!), but given you are contemplating ending your life, you might as well give therapy a shot. Worst case scenario it does nothing and you end up CTB anyway. But it might just help you towards a better life. You won't know unless you try.

 

[Yuri440]

I don't know if this was brought up in my autism diagnosis but I think I have alexithymia, which basically means I can't read my emotions for shit! How am I? Good question, I don't know! It's really fucking annoying me cause I can tell something's going on in my stomach but I can't tell for the life of me if that's supposed to be hunger, fullness or what. It's even worse when it's period time cause the cramps are in a similar place and I genuinely can't tell the difference so I just gotta think logically based on how much food I ate last meal and how long ago was it, and it's not really fool proof cause it can be like 15 minutes after eating a big meal and I feel something. Then touch sensitivity likes to fuck with me by making random body parts feel weird all of a sudden for no reason so I don't even know if it's actually a feeling or not. This is why I've never bothered with therapy because describing how I feel and talking personally about myself are 2 things I can't do for the life of me and I get so annoyed at myself when I see these posts of people here who are like "I am so miserable, I know what to do now" cause I'm so jealous: you guys can actually figure out where on the suicide scale you are. I could be horribly depressed for all I know but I don't have a pile of rubbish in my room or terrible hygiene habits, mostly cause I force myself to keep looking presentable to keep possible motivation levels as high as I can cause if it's really high then I can read it and figure out what to do with my day.

I can feel annoyance and anger quite easily, as well as anxiety. Dunno about the other emotions as then I'm doing guesswork based on like if I feel the need to wave my arms around.

Honestly I feel that. I'm in the same boat, diagnosed with autism a couple weeks ago at 30 years old and I think I also have alexithymia, so a hell of a lot of it is new to me still and I'm working through it. It was actually therapy that got me to an autism diagnosis, and with a good therapist having alexithymia isn't as big of an issue as you'd think. Mine has helped me figure out more a routine of figuring out feelings based on physical sensations in my body, though it's still early stages and I'm not very good at it yet. She recognises my patterns quicker than I do though, and explains to me what she sees so I can try to remember for next time.

Also I absolutely agree with the self doubt! For a while now I didn't agree with the idea of me being autistic because I can look people in the eyes. Apparently it's not normal to think about how to look and how long for, which eye, when to blink, and all that stuff haha. It's a difficult process, and who knows maybe therapy would work good for you like it has to me.

I definitely think I'm suicidal, I just struggle to realise till I'm physically moving to get like a box of pills or something to try and take in that moment. Maybe that's the same for you? I've found in general making a checklist you can read in front of you is better. Like write down on paper a list. Am I cold? Hot? Do I need to pee? Eat? As much as you can think of to try and force yourself to actually think about it. Reminders on your phone to go to the bathroom every so often has helped me too haha.

You're probably similar to me in the sense that you are a people pleaser at heart, and you end up focusing on hygiene and looks because you think that you have to as part of just being around people. I think that's probably my primary reason that I'm not massively behind on my hygiene, because when I don't have to see anyone for weeks at a time then my hygiene can drop till I next have to. Plus cold showers help me calm down a bit, so I end up naturally having good hygiene with that naturally.