When you feel you are in the right headspace to do it but you can’t

[lili]

I feel so ready to just end things right now. I can't take it anymore such dread about life. I keep further complicating my situation. I just keep prolonging my internal pain and suffering for no reason.

Yet now that I feel I'm ready I can't because my ex boyfriend is going to be here all day. When I can do it he's here but then the moment that I can do it without him then I am not in the right headspace to do it.

Who else struggles with this?

Not sure what to do with myself anymore.

 

[Chiisai]

You are not alone. Hey, Im so tired and just want it all to end but Im still here and Ive been here for a while now. I did half-hearted attempts but I still cower from thinking of doing it seriously.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish that I could just peacefully pass away in my sleep without having to go through the whole process of suicide, it is all very tiring. If only it was easier to let go of this life. I also have lots of dread about life and I know that it can be unbearable. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[natali4]

I think depression makes it worse. I want to ctb, I have all my supplies and a plan in my brain, but its difficult enough to get out of bed let alone actually go through the process of ctb.

 

[lili]

Yeah it feels it requires so much energy in general.

I was thinking about trying again this morning but seemed so much effort the fasting and everything. Plus the anxiety of my ex being the house would make my SI go crazy. I think that's why I used to just do it with pills because it was so easy to just chill in my bed and take a whole bunch.

 

[its-about-time]

I think all the mental energy I put towards suicide is often enough for me in a way. It's a coping mechanism really. It's not pleasant but whatever. Other times it's not enough and that's when things get "dangerous" for me. Even at my most suicidal though I've only managed also half-hearted attempts. It's just so much work and with such a long process it's easy to ruin the whole plan. I no longer have anyone to tell that I'm in the middle of killing myself though so I'm curious how this time will be different. That's where I've always ruined the plan—telling a specific person, who I no longer talk to. I feel like it'll be easier this time. Nobody to tell and a very very strong desire to not have another failed attempt and the consequences that follow. I hope I either go all-in or don't try at all.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I think depression makes it worse. I want to ctb, I have all my supplies and a plan in my brain, but its difficult enough to get out of bed let alone actually go through the process of ctb.

Indeed