When was the time you knew you will/might ctb?

[_Minsk]

And what was the trigger for you?
For me it was a slow process that kept unfolding itself over the past 12 years. During the last 2 years i had to realize there was no way of solving my health issues. Even as kid i have been suffering a lot, i was a very sensitive kid, all the trauma affected me to the core. It was a painful experience to realize that ctb will be my only way of solving anything.
Im in my mid 20's now and I don't expect going beyond that.

 

[symphony]

I was a little kid when I first thought about CTB. In middle school the first time I made a plan with intent of carrying it out. First attempted for realsies a few years ago. Earlier this year (January? late December 2021? idk) I finally concluded once and for all (hopefully) that I will CTB and no longer hold out hope for long-term recovery.

 

[its-about-time]

Not sure when I first became suicidal but I drank bleach at 12-13 years old with the intention of killing myself. I don't think I've had any moments of feeling confident I wouldn't eventually end my life since then, though the timeline changes. I'm almost 26 now. Had a ridiculous failed attempt in November last year. I've been dead set on doing it right since then. Timeline was iffy (no decent method) but once I discovered SN it became an immediate achievable reality. It should be here mid-April!

 

[houseofleaves]

I remember standing before a window and having the intention to jump — and i totally would, but it was only the 5th floor and there were many trees down there that could break the fall. I was afraid i wouldn't die; otherwise, i totally would jump. I was 9 (or younger).

 

[Circles]

I don't 'know' I will or not since I'm trying to recover for now but whenever I was bedridden with chronic pain and my eyes fucked up or when my dog died was when I thought to myself that suicide was my only option.

 

[Socaku]

A few months.... Strange feeling...... Other times warm other times cold....

 

[sharky]

I always thought I would. But when I'm "old". Things have changed and since last year I know I will ctb rather sooner than later.

 

[Al_stargate]

It has slowly sunk in over the last maybe 3-4 months, after an event. Before I was perfectly fine and would never consider it. Very rough couple of months when you realize the dreadfulness of your situation and what you gonna have to do.

 

[Ready2GoNow2022]

I have probably thought about ctb in the back of my mind for 30 years or so, since my early teens. It has become more acute over the past few months.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I have never wanted to be alive and even when I was very young, I found death to be comforting. As I got a bit older, that was when I began to think of ctb. I cannot imagine myself dying from anything else. I have been suicidal for a long time as I am not meant for this world and I simply cannot cope with life. I do not see my life as being worth living, and all I want is to escape from all suffering.