When the circumstances improve, but the desire to ctb stays [pointless venting]

[SunnyPotato]

Over the past two years my circumstances have mostly trended upwards. I am settling into stable housing. Disability benefits proceedings are the furthest along yet and looking like they may finally be approved, which would give me an income for the first time in many years. I just finished a course of TMS treatment that should supposedly be improving my depression, if not already, within the next 6 months.

But the fact remains I'm just as suicidal as ever. I resent the hell out of my loved ones for tethering me here so they won't experience a "tragic loss" even if it would be merciful to let me go. I'm angry that I can't bring myself to ctb anyway. I'm angry that I'll have to die scared, alone, and in pain because of some fake moral bullshit. I don't know what else I can try. There's always difficulties in life but I can't really complain about my external circumstances all that much these days. I should be better, but if anything I'm worse because I can't think of anything else to try. Like I really am out of opportunities to try and feel better. It's just the end. So why the hell can't I just finally act? I gave it all a fair shot or whatever, but I'm still too much of a pussy, or something. Just what the fuck???? Sorry, just had to vent.

 

[Deadly_Intention]

Over the past two years my circumstances have mostly trended upwards. I am settling into stable housing. Disability benefits proceedings are the furthest along yet and looking like they may finally be approved, which would give me an income for the first time in many years. I just finished a course of TMS treatment that should supposedly be improving my depression, if not already, within the next 6 months.

But the fact remains I'm just as suicidal as ever. I resent the hell out of my loved ones for tethering me here so they won't experience a "tragic loss" even if it would be merciful to let me go. I'm angry that I can't bring myself to ctb anyway. I'm angry that I'll have to die scared, alone, and in pain because of some fake moral bullshit. I don't know what else I can try. There's always difficulties in life but I can't really complain about my external circumstances all that much these days. I should be better, but if anything I'm worse because I can't think of anything else to try. Like I really am out of opportunities to try and feel better. It's just the end. So why the hell can't I just finally act? I gave it all a fair shot or whatever, but I'm still too much of a pussy, or something. Just what the fuck???? Sorry, just had to vent.

I have similar thoughts to you, so I feel your frustration and anger and pain. I have no other words except to say that your thoughts and feelings are shared.

 

[SunnyPotato]

I have similar thoughts to you, so I feel your frustration and anger and pain. I have no other words except to say that your thoughts and feelings are shared.

Thank you for your validating words <3

 

[Deadly_Intention]

Thank you for your validating words <3

You are most welcome wish there could be more said, feel free to vent anytime ...

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling when things improve and yet you still want to ctb. I'm sorry you are going through this. Of course it is very difficult to ctb, as we are programmed to survive and it requires a lot of courage. If it was easier to leave this world, I would be already gone. I hope you find peace.