martyrcomplexed
But He forgives me, He forgives me.
- Dec 1, 2020
- 10
Lately I have been in a state of apathy. I'm not sad, I'm not in despair, I'm not happy, but I also feel far from being what they call 'empty'. I am simply existing and each emotion passes through me like a flash of light that I briefly reach but don't hold or feel. I'm in my place and I just watch time go by, and although nothing hurts me I still know that something is very wrong.
In earlier days I might simply resort to the thought of suicide to have a sense of control and to know that I would be okay when this was over. But it turns out that even death doesn't matter to me anymore, in a meaning that I'm not looking for it. It's like there's nothing for me in this life, but there's also nothing on the other plane.
I am in purgatory and I cannot decide the fate of my soul, although I have this feeling of duty. I need it but I don't know how. I feel like I'll never find a place for myself, some rest or peace. Everything is far away.
Has anyone ever felt this way?
In earlier days I might simply resort to the thought of suicide to have a sense of control and to know that I would be okay when this was over. But it turns out that even death doesn't matter to me anymore, in a meaning that I'm not looking for it. It's like there's nothing for me in this life, but there's also nothing on the other plane.
I am in purgatory and I cannot decide the fate of my soul, although I have this feeling of duty. I need it but I don't know how. I feel like I'll never find a place for myself, some rest or peace. Everything is far away.
Has anyone ever felt this way?
