Nervous young man
WARNING: Books may cause unseemly outbursts
- Feb 3, 2025
- 85
Hello SaSu, I need to do a bit of venting because I have nobody else.
Firstly my family found my Potassium Nitrite but they didn't care at all just asked me about it. I told them it was for a lab project ( I've been known to do this before ) and that was that. They did however call it Sodium Nitrite so I think they googled it and figured out the connection to nitrites and ctb. However ( and thankfully ) they don't care and are ambivalent to if I ctb or not. This is good for the plan but I can't help but feel sad. I even had a family member tell me to do it in the woods so they wouldn't have to claim my body and pay to bury me. This hurt quite a bit mentally but I guess it all serves the same end goal. I'm happy they can be open to me about their feelings rather than hide them, I can happily die knowing my family won't miss me.
I got fired! So all hopes for metoclopramide are off the table but its just one less distraction from finally going through with my plan. I hated them all anyway and I think I squandered my chances of another job because right after getting fired I started a fight with a stranger.
I have lost three friends in the span of a week with more to come. People react very poorly to touchy subjects like ctb and while abandonment is nothing new to me it still hurt a lot. It feels good to vent here, it makes me feel like I ever existed at all. I hope that soon I can rest peacefully I just need to finish up tying a few more loose ends then I can be done with life completely.
To make it worse my selective mutism got way worse and I can barely hold conversations now, my family has found it quite humorous to make fun of me for this. I feel like I'm shattering into a billion pieces.
Firstly my family found my Potassium Nitrite but they didn't care at all just asked me about it. I told them it was for a lab project ( I've been known to do this before ) and that was that. They did however call it Sodium Nitrite so I think they googled it and figured out the connection to nitrites and ctb. However ( and thankfully ) they don't care and are ambivalent to if I ctb or not. This is good for the plan but I can't help but feel sad. I even had a family member tell me to do it in the woods so they wouldn't have to claim my body and pay to bury me. This hurt quite a bit mentally but I guess it all serves the same end goal. I'm happy they can be open to me about their feelings rather than hide them, I can happily die knowing my family won't miss me.
I got fired! So all hopes for metoclopramide are off the table but its just one less distraction from finally going through with my plan. I hated them all anyway and I think I squandered my chances of another job because right after getting fired I started a fight with a stranger.
I have lost three friends in the span of a week with more to come. People react very poorly to touchy subjects like ctb and while abandonment is nothing new to me it still hurt a lot. It feels good to vent here, it makes me feel like I ever existed at all. I hope that soon I can rest peacefully I just need to finish up tying a few more loose ends then I can be done with life completely.
To make it worse my selective mutism got way worse and I can barely hold conversations now, my family has found it quite humorous to make fun of me for this. I feel like I'm shattering into a billion pieces.
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