Discussion When did you realize that recovery was impossible?

[Fadeawaaaay]

That CTB was the only possible outcome?

 

[Need2Escape]

I have suffered from depression on/off for good part of 20 or so years but I have very nice years in between those episodes where I have enjoyed life to the fullest but lately I am going through a acrimonious divorce and also have been estranged from my only child. Although my child is a adult now but I have suffered from parental Alienation since he was a teen.
My depression is bit milder compared to my previous episodes but persistent and going through divorce at my age of 50 does not help the situation at all and this feeling of CTB has been there since start of this year now and I am actually taking action on sourcing materials.
I think the divorce will put a lot of financial burden on me and I feel I am Emotionally, Mentally and Financially breaking down and just cant cope on a day to day basis.

 

[Elegy]

Well, I don't contemplate suicide because of my incurable mental disorders. My reasons are many, but the fact I'm insane isn't my main motivation. That said, I do feel like MH and alcohol addiction recovery is impossible for me. My last therapist gave me the boot. In her own words... "Elegy, I can not help you. Maybe somebody can. But not me. You're basically fubar. Here's a business card for a specialist I know, whose office is far across town. Far far away from me. Maybe give him a call. Good luck and goodbye".
I paraphrased, but you get the gist. Admittedly I am not an easy patient to diagnose or to treat, and truthfully, she did the right thing by cutting me loose. My behavior was inappropriate. I trampled her boundaries.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Sometime between 2018 and 2019 when three devastating things happened to me almost simultaneously. The kind of life-alterting, there's-no-going-back-from-this type of things. Three years later, the situation is even worse than I could have imagined.

 

[FuneralCry]

The idea of recovery does not exist to me. Personally, I see wanting suicide as being perfectly rational in a life as horrible as this. I have no interest in living, I want nothing to do with this life. I just want to be at peace and to sleep forever. Ever since I was very young I found death to be comforting. Suicidal thoughts are a part of me, I wouldnt be myself without wanting suicide.

 

[Sarros]

There is nothing to recover from. Contemplating suicide is logical to me. I think it would be illogical to take the stance that suicide could never be a well thought out and carefully considered option.

 

[miserableforever]

When all roads lead to the same tunnel. I've been cornered and used my whole life. At some point I couldn't hide the anger and the disappointment anymore. That time is now. I hope it will end without hurting the ones I'm still here for.

 

[Starryeyes]

When my doctor told me last week they won't be looking at why I'm always in pain. It's just too much to live with

 

[stellabelle]

That CTB was the only possible outcome?

By about age 7 or 8.

Again at 12.

Again at 17.

Again at 19.

Again at 23.

Again at 24.

Again at 26.

Again at 27.

Again at 28.

It "could have" been a "good" life but it never was and never will be.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I had tried many different medications and many years of therapy. The last thing I decided to try was ketamine infusions. Went through with it, and when I get one done I get maybe a day or two where the suicidal thoughts calm down, but then they just kick in again. I decided to stop fighting it.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

By about age 7 or 8.

Again at 12.

Again at 17.

Again at 19.

Again at 23.

Again at 24.

Again at 26.

Again at 27.

Again at 28.

It "could have" been a "good" life but it never was and never will be.

You're still very young

I had tried many different medications and many years of therapy. The last thing I decided to try was ketamine infusions. Went through with it, and when I get one done I get maybe a day or two where the suicidal thoughts calm down, but then they just kick in again. I decided to stop fighting it.

If your real life situation is dire, ketamine won't help…

 

[stellabelle]

People say I'm "still very young" - yeah right. I was ready to take on the world so many years ago and it continued to wither away at me and people just continued to be what they are…
People didn't even really live to be older than 30 not too long ago. 30 was the lifespan.

My life is not worth it. And it never will be.

 

[Grumpy Bear]

When doctors stacked the odds against me. And when I realized no one cares about me.

 

[ClownMe]

A few months back when I lost all interest in everything, even stuff I used to enjoy.

 

[layne2001]

I've been trying to stay in college for the past 2 and a half years. I didnt finish my first semester because of a severe depressive episode. Then I came back next semester and it got canceled because of covid. Third and fourth were online and I literally just didnt show up because I couldn't keep up. And then I tried again this year, failed again. It gets comic at this point. That's when I realized there's just no way I'm build for surviving. I can't do anything life requires people to do.
I will never not be depressed and suicidal, I can't control it.. and honestly I've been ready to die since I was 12, stayed alive another 8 years too long

 

[Timeless]

After I asked my neurologist if my pain diagnosis (poly neuropathy and CRPS TYPE2) will ever be painless and the answer no this will be pain for 24/7 for the rest of your life. And I even asked if they could cut my nerves but the answer to that was that I wouldn't be able to walk again in that case. And I'd have phantom pains.

That's when I carefully planned everything, imidetely I closed an insurance that covers my funeral. But I had to wait for a few years before they also cover ctb. So now I'm ready just waiting for some good opportunity. Got everything I need after my last failure, where they even had loads of problems in the hospital to keep me alive. Now I'll dose about 4x times as much as back then. And signed a DNR so I can sue the hospital if someone brings me to there. Which is not possible cause my location will be so remote that even phones have no service.

Peace!

Now I'm moving my date forward due to pain..

I wish y'all the best health and happiness as possible

 

[sasshimi]

When I realized that no one, even the mental health team who was responsible for my recovery, cared that much. During one of my stays at the psych ward, I tested out their safety measures, and I sooner realized that the staff was negligent to some extent. Hell, I managed to sneak in a razor prior to getting admitted, I used it to make a makeshift noose with a blanket. I was discharged 3 days after that and they didn't even bother checking my belongings before I was sent back home. I suppose I was diligent based on their observation. Surely, I was cooperative, I must be on my path to recovery. They don't care, really. It's all superficial pro-life nonsense. They're only obliged to step in because of some moral policy they have to uphold as part of their job. But these people are strangers, the only difference is that they get paid.

I've lost all connection with the friends I've made along the way because of circumstances I had no control over. Subsequently, it was BPD that sabotages my relationships as always. I can always start from the ground up but I know all too well how everything's going to go down eventually. And I'm tired of that, recovery is temporary - it just gives me rose-colored glasses until my facade cracks again.

Even after all the consecutive interventions, I'm still suicidal; nothing will ever change that. Recovery is a sham, I could stay for a little longer but ultimately everything is just a distraction. I could go to University like I thought I would but that doesn't change anything, I'm still going to ctb. Like everyone else, we form all these objectives to tackle, pretend that everything's okay despite our mental/physical/chronic illnesses. Build goals after another until we settle into dust. In actuality, we suffer more than we actually relish in life.

 

[HelloAllYouPeople]

When I discovered the amount of time and money that therapy and medication will cost. I see no point in living several years in misery like that

 

[HeckingHecked]

They're only obliged to step in because of some moral policy they have to uphold as part of their job.

Therapists don't get to "care about morals". They care more about enforcing laws. That's their definition of "ethical".

 

[erdbeeren]

That CTB was the only possible outcome?

Over the past year or so, I've started asking myself all sorts of questions that go completely against what is generally accepted.

Is there an objectively real meaning to life? No.

Is voluntary breeding ever ethical? It never is, no exceptions.

How can the human mind try to understand the concept of infinity (especially in terms of death)? You cannot.

What is real and how does one learn the point in which said reality becomes false? This is a complex question that delves into many abstract concepts.

Not only questions altered my philosophy, but some thoughts were simply statements.

"An overwhelming amount of society's standards and practices consist of a 100% irrational basis."

"There is no logical reason to fear death as it's a total absence of any entity or characteristic of life."

"Our system runs on three vital things: money, greed, ignorance."

The only purpose any human born into modern society has is to serve as a tool to fuel selfish desires for both their biological parents and the capitalists. Once one is no longer useful for fulfilling said greed, they are disregarded as irrelevant garbage. They are expected to breed additional money-makers to maintain the line of perpetual, unnecessary suffering.

It's tough facts to realize, but the truth hurts I suppose.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

If your real life situation is dire, ketamine won't help…

Indeed. Unfortunately I don't see any way out of my situation so I've been preparing to do Stan's SN schedule.