Whats your best joke?

[Sadgirl121]

What do you call a duck on drugs?

A quackhead
Why cant gay men be in a wheelchair?

You can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

(Funy because Im gay)

 

[noname223]

My life. (Sorry this joke was necessary I am not good at telling such jokes. I like humor more when it is situational.)

 

[UniqueWorm]

Its a five minute long story that ends in A butt joke

 

[amnesia999]

It's difficult to think of a "best joke", there are so many of them. Recently I heard this joke...

This burglar broke into a house in the middle of the night. He knew the occupants were away, but tried to be stealthy so as not to alert the neighbors. As he searched for valuables, he heard this voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
He stood straight up and froze for several minutes, but hearing nothing, decided his brain was playing tricks on him. But all of the sudden, he heard the voice again: "Jesus is watching you."
This time he swung his flashlight around until he saw a birdcage with a parrot inside. He relaxed, went over, and said, "Polly want a cracker?" The parrot replied, "Oh I speak English." The burglar said, "Really? What's your name?" The parrot said, "Moses." The burglar demanded, "What kind of people would name their parrot 'Moses'?" And the parrot replied, "The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

Its a five minute long story that ends in A butt joke

Come on, let's hear it.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

Norm Macdonald's moth joke is my favorite. To keep it short, a moth flies into a podiatrist's office, and the doctor asks what's wrong. The joke then has a very long-winded session about all the problems the moth is facing in his personal life, especially with his mental health. The doc says that he's a podiatrist and typically works on foot-related problems, and it sounds like the moth needs a psychiatrist. He asks why the moth came into his office, and the moth replies, "'Cause the light was on."

 

[Professor K]

Losing your feline friend can be a cat-astrophe..............!

 

[Pluto]

 

[justkatie]

Every time I touch my left leg, my right leg, my left arm, my torso and my head it hurts but when I touch my right arm I feel okay.

Yeah you idiot, you've broke your finger.

 

[amnesia999]

Q) How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A) Wave at him!

 

[steppenwolf]

The bin men are doing their rounds. One of the bin men notices a house without any wheelie bin outside, so he knocks on the door. After a while a Chinese gentleman answers the door in a silk dressing gown. 'Where's your bin?' asks the bin man.
'I bin in the house,' says the Chinaman.
'No, where's your dustbin,' asks the bin man again.
'I dust bin in the bathroom.'
The bin man shakes his head. 'No, no, you're not understanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'
And the Chinaman says: 'All right, I wheelie bin having a wank.'

Plenty more where that came from.

 

[Someplace_nice]

Yesterday I was washing the car with my son,
He said "Dad can't you just use a sponge."

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm terrible at comedy so the best I got is variations of dad humor like "Hi _____, I'm (My Name Here)" or any word that ends in a vaguely er sound gets a "___er? I barely know 'er!" The best spin I put on that is when someone was asking me directions to a certain market and I said "____ Market? I barely know it!".

I'm also known to take almost anything that ends in an ee sound and making a shitty Deez Nutz joke about it.

Oh and I also spout memes from shows I've watched.

 

[Ironborn]

Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and an Irishman are captured by terrorists.
Terrorist says "I'm going to shoot you but you get one last request."
Scotsman says "I want a thousand bagpipes playing Flower of Scotland."
Welshman says "I want a thousand Welshman singing Land of my Fathers."
Irishman says "I want a thousand Irishmen doing the riverdance."
Englishman says "Fucking shoot me first."

 

[amnesia999]

Q) What do you get when you cross a French statesman with a kitchen floor with a grenade?
A) Linoleum blownapart.

 

[amnesia999]

Once there was a guy who had sex with a bird. He came down with a bad case of chirpies.

The worst part? It's un-tweetable.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Me, ironically speaking.