Discussion What's one thing you wished people understood about suicide?

[UserFromNowhere]

It's not always irrational. It's not always mental illness. It's not always about stopping the pain. Sometimes you're just content with death and the desire for it pulls at you stronger than the desire for life. In the past, I'd say my death was definitely the result of mental illness and just wanting the pain and discomfort and unpleasantness of life to stop, but recently, I've been able to come to terms with all that, I've been able to "enjoy life," and I still feel a desire to die.

 

[decadance]

that someone can have a fortunate life but still suffer with severe mental illness that only death can cure in the end. that the mental pain can feel too much to bear and no matter how much they care about their loved ones and not want to cause them grief they still have to go through with it. it doesnt mean everyones love and support wasnt enough

 

[Meatballhead]

To stop blocking every method with obliviousness or virtue signaling morality to force me to exist against my will because of whatever excuse they make up . Somehow I can never choose to kill myself or chose how I die. I suppose with effort I can end the joke in a super obnoxious public way. In the end I guess it's my own cowardice and stupidity that keeps me from actually pulling it off. Somehow when I should have been able to buy a gun I got charges to where I can't own one or a landlord that says no guns. Oddly specific. It's disgusting. Of all the things I could steal I can't steal a decent gun. Or die in a car crash or starve to death. Just forever circling the drain because they decided but won't take responsibility for forcing me to stay alive as a joke .
To stop blocking every method with obliviousness or virtue signaling morality to force me to exist against my will because of whatever excuse they make up . Somehow I can never choose to kill myself or chose how I die. I suppose with effort I can end the joke in a super obnoxious public way. In the end I guess it's my own cowardice and stupidity that keeps me from actually pulling it off. Somehow when I should have been able to buy a gun I got charges to where I can't own one or a landlord that says no guns. Oddly specific. It's disgusting. Of all the things I could steal I can't steal a decent gun. Or die in a car crash or starve to death. Just forever circling the drain because they decided but won't take responsibility for forcing me to stay alive as a joke .

 

[Asahina]

I feel like 45% of my mind is constantly coming up with suicidal thoughts, 45% of my mind is spent doing everything it can to suppress said thoughts, leaving 10% of my mind for daily functioning... and yet, people will see that I'm only using 10% of my actual potential and call me lazy and unmotivated.

I let the mask slip once, said how worthless and depressed I felt and broke down crying, and got chastised for exactly that. Told that I'm wrong because I have good grades. Told to compartmentalize when I feel like I've been trying to unsuccessfully do that this whole time. Do people actually like the real me or just my facade? Is their favor conditional on me getting good grades, and am I not alllowed to have any flaw at all? I'm just really tired of masking.

 

[LongJacks]

People don't realize the methods themselves are not foolproof and the potential implications of failure, especially with OD's. I read a prolife article about MAID for mental health. The author said if someone is suicidal they can easily die, they don't need MAID. It made me so mad!

That's so insensitive of them fuck them, some people are lucky to have a fortunate life and will look down on others who suffered and want to ctb, such ignorance and hatred oof

 

[Black Sheep One]

Attention: Mister Suicide Prevention Jerks. I wish to be done with society and humanity. Let us leave peacefully. We do not wish to become violent.

 

[zoidberg]

That relatively few people ever actually suicide, the vast majority of attempts fail and the person is worse off as a result.

 

[FoxSauce]

Mental pain is just as valid and a broken leg or something else.

And most of the times it isnt immediate it creeps ans grows over time until is too much to bear.

And no is not a cowardly thing, takes actual guts to make a plan and decide your day.

Just trying to be positive and have a positive outlook is not gonna make it go away.

It takes a lot of strength for people to live amd be suicidal at the same times, it gnaws at the body.

 

[TAW122]

Suicide is not always the act of an person with a defective mind or one who is incapable of making and understanding rational decisions. Nor is it a disease of the mind or even a sign of illness. But rather an act of taking matters into one's own hands and choosing to foreclose on an existence that one never explicitly consented to.

 

[FF777]

I wish people understand that living with debilitating chronic tinnitus is one of the worst medical conditions ever and stop belittling those who find this condition unlivable.

i got it because i stupidly listened to headphones too loudly for too many years and one day i took off my headphones and heard the permanent ringing.. it also some how paradoxially made my hearing worse to where i can't hear quite as well as normal people, and also made my ears sensitive to sound....... it made my life a nightmare and those first 1-2 years with it was the deepest depression in my life to where i was just sitting there every day doing nothing but hearing the ringing and wondering how i'm going to continue living like this.. But the reason i'm even messaging you is because i wanted to tell you, wait at least 2 years before you decide to do any thing drastic, because even though i would have never believed i would eventually habituate to it back then, i did eventually after about 2 years.. i still have to protect my ears from loud sounds but i don't really "hear" the ringing any more even though it is actually still there all the time.. When any one checks tinnitus forums it is full of people wanting to end their lives and i completely understand now.. it is this annoying sound that you can never turn off even during sleep and it just drives people crazy until they do some thing drastic to cure their predicament (or they eventually habituate to it)..

It's not always irrational. It's not always mental illness. It's not always about stopping the pain. Sometimes you're just content with death and the desire for it pulls at you stronger than the desire for life. In the past, I'd say my death was definitely the result of mental illness and just wanting the pain and discomfort and unpleasantness of life to stop, but recently, I've been able to come to terms with all that, I've been able to "enjoy life," and I still feel a desire to die.

my philosophy on the right to suicide is basically "my life my choice"..... some people are on here with multiple debilitating uncurable conditions and they want out, and then other times you see people wanting to end them selves just because they are poor and jobless and maybe broke up with their lover but maybe they are still young and nothing wrong with them physically..

it made me realize, different people have different standards for their lives, and that's kind of their own prerogative.. if some one wants to end their life because of some thing that i deem as frivolous it still isn't my right to interject in to their life and prevent them from ending what ever suffering they are going through, as long as they really understand what they are doing and not doing it rashly and they are informed about what they are about to do..

and then you have some people that are like in wheelchairs and quadriplegic and they still are happy and want to continue living life, and that is perfectly fine too because they just have a different set of standards for what they consider acceptable to them..

 

[HaircutHaircut]

I wish non suicidal people could truly understand what it felt like to be chronically suicidal. In the same way, I wish I knew what it felt like to be 0% suicidal. I believe there would be less guilt and confusion if suicide wasn't viewed as "some extreme behaviour enacted by mentally ill people". That's why I value this forum. People who actually understand how I feel every day

 

[gardenhouse]

i got it because i stupidly listened to headphones too loudly for too many years and one day i took off my headphones and heard the permanent ringing.. it also some how paradoxially made my hearing worse to where i can't hear quite as well as normal people, and also made my ears sensitive to sound....... it made my life a nightmare and those first 1-2 years with it was the deepest depression in my life to where i was just sitting there every day doing nothing but hearing the ringing and wondering how i'm going to continue living like this.. But the reason i'm even messaging you is because i wanted to tell you, wait at least 2 years before you decide to do any thing drastic, because even though i would have never believed i would eventually habituate to it back then, i did eventually after about 2 years.. i still have to protect my ears from loud sounds but i don't really "hear" the ringing any more even though it is actually still there all the time.. When any one checks tinnitus forums it is full of people wanting to end their lives and i completely understand now.. it is this annoying sound that you can never turn off even during sleep and it just drives people crazy until they do some thing drastic to cure their predicament (or they eventually habituate to it)..

my philosophy on the right to suicide is basically "my life my choice"..... some people are on here with multiple debilitating uncurable conditions and they want out, and then other times you see people wanting to end them selves just because they are poor and jobless and maybe broke up with their lover but maybe they are still young and nothing wrong with them physically..

it made me realize, different people have different standards for their lives, and that's kind of their own prerogative.. if some one wants to end their life because of some thing that i deem as frivolous it still isn't my right to interject in to their life and prevent them from ending what ever suffering they are going through, as long as they really understand what they are doing and not doing it rashly and they are informed about what they are about to do..

and then you have some people that are like in wheelchairs and quadriplegic and they still are happy and want to continue living life, and that is perfectly fine too because they just have a different set of standards for what they consider acceptable to them..

Thank you for your reply, i got my tin from ear infection, i never used headphones for too long as i know what is would do the ear, i got it from an ear infection and the doctor believed it would disappear as i have no hearing loss but it never does, it moved to center of my head instead, and because i'm such a light sleeper and silence lover, this medical condition has caused catastrophic reduction of quality of life, sleep loss/ severe insomnia, depression etc. But i will try to hang on at least 2 years before i do anything drastic, i also read the scientist are working hard to give relief like Dr Suzan Shore device, or Lenire, until those device relief come to give relief for tinnitus sufferers i hope my brain can learn to habituate this irritating noises. Otherwise, i'm really gonna end my life as I can't imagine life without silence. How did you habituate the noise? Did you use sleeping pills or benzo to help you sleep? If you have habituated, may i know why you are here?

 

[FF777]

Thank you for your reply, i got my tin from ear infection, i never used headphones for too long as i know what is would do the ear, i got it from an ear infection and the doctor believed it would disappear as i have no hearing loss but it never does, it moved to center of my head instead, and because i'm such a light sleeper and silence lover, this medical condition has caused catastrophic reduction of quality of life, sleep loss/ severe insomnia, depression etc. But i will try to hang on at least 2 years before i do anything drastic, i also read the scientist are working hard to give relief like Dr Suzan Shore device, or Lenire, until those device relief come to give relief for tinnitus sufferers i hope my brain can learn to habituate this irritating noises. Otherwise, i'm really gonna end my life as I can't imagine life without silence. How did you habituate the noise? Did you use sleeping pills or benzo to help you sleep? If you have habituated, may i know why you are here?

at first the ringing wasn't insanely bad, but my ears had been damaged and were a lot more sensitive (to getting damaged further) compared to a normal person's ears.. i still had to protect my ears a bit back then..... but then i went to some kind of loud bar/party type of place with a friend and i stupidly didn't wear earplugs even though the tons of people in there were being super loud (and it was a small room so the walls amplified the sounds) because i thought that if i wear earplugs i won't be able to hear the friends at my table talk, but in restrospect the place was so loud that i couldn't even really hear them any way, so i should have worn earplugs any way and just yelled at my friends when i wanted to talk to them.. And so that party damaged my ears A LOT more, and i really had loud ringing and also other sounds like crickets and multiple tones and some times other weird sounds..

it sent me in to DEEP depression, the deepest depression i've ever felt in my life, and i for like a year straight i couldn't even do any thing besides just......... wake up (crappy sleep by the way because the ringing/noises drive you insane).... sit there and hardly do any thing all day except feel super depressed and listen to how loud and nightmarish my ear ringing was.. (i still forced my self to eat and do things i had to do, and i still chatted on the internet some times but i sure wasn't happy at all)..

i tried lots of those scams on the shelf in stores that claim they stop ear-ringing..... i think it is a crime that they know their products do absolutely nothing and they are just trying to make a buck off of people that are going insane and desperate to try any thing they possibly can.. I also tried lots of the various methods people on the tinnitus forums suggested but nothing worked for me ever..

one other thing i want to mention is that, even back in around 2012 there were still lots of pipedream news stories about like "hey this medical research they are working on might solve tinnitus for every one"......... they are just pipedreams and give people false hope.. until some thing is concretely established and mainstream i wouldn't even bother reading or hoping in any stories like that of things "right around the corner"..

it's hard to recall the exact timeline now because it has been so long since this happened.. i think i first got the ear-ringing back in around 2012 probably, and then that loud party thing happened in 2013.. But around 2 years after that i started habituating to it, but i can't quite recall how long the period was for me to go from total depression to being okay with it and it not bothering me any more.. i'm not sure if it was like 3 months of transition or what now, my memory of it is kind of vague now.. but the important thing is that it happened..

okay so here is an important thing to understand.. if you went back in time to when i was super depressed by the ear-ringing and told me "you will eventually habituate to it" i would have NEVER EVER believed you... My response would be "there is NO WAY i can ever get used to all this noise"... But what it kind of "felt" like is that the ringing isn't loud any more and is just some kind of background noise that i never even notice unless i consciously listen for it.. i don't think it is actually technically any quieter, but it FEELS (or SOUNDS i guess) quieter like it isn't even loud at all any more.. That's how it will feel like to you when you habituate to it; it will feel like it is actually getting quieter until you don't even consciously hear it any more.. It isn't going to feel like the loud nightmare that you have to deal with right now.. Or at least that was my experience.. And if you notice on the tinnitus forums, most of all the people that are desperate and in panic and depressed/suicidal have only been experiencing it for a few months or so, not years.. There ARE some people that will say they have had it for years, and so have i, but those aren't the people that are panicked any more, because they have habituated to it by now.. So don't be afraid when you read people saying "yeah i've had my ear-ringing for 20 years and it's never gone away"....... yeah it technically hasn't, but they also aren't going through the same nightmare it was during the first months or first year (or two) when they first got it..

But even after i habituated to it my life was still a nightmare because my ears and the "hairs" (they are actually bumpy cells i think, not actual hair) in my inner ears were physically damaged (from all the headphones music and party thing etc) and they are really sensitive now, and so i constantly have to protect them from more damage and sounds seem really loud to me now.. i have to wear earplugs even to shower or to run the window unit air-cooler in here and i can't even drive with my windows down because the noise of other cars driving on the roads are too loud for me some times.. And not only could i get more ear damage if i'm not careful, but when i do accidentally hear loud sounds for too long it makes my ear ringing loud for a few hours or some times a few days if it was some thing really loud and heard it for too long, and when the ringing is loud like that it DOES still bother me, but it eventually goes back to baseline where i don't notice it in a few hours/days again.. So in that regard you are "lucky" compared to me (i know you definitely aren't lucky compared to a normal person with out tinnitus) because your tinnitus is caused by an infection, and so i would assume your ear hairs/cells aren't actually physically damaged like mine are, and so once you can eventually habituate to it you should be able to go back to living a relatively normal life where you don't have to protect your ears all the time like i have to..

So having to protect my ears all the time is one reason my life is a nightmare still.. But i did some thing else stupid in 2020.. i got depressed about my life one day and i was in an extremely negative mood and i am self-destructive and i just started beating the heck out of my heart like 20-30 times and it caused me to have a stroke that caused severe brain damage because my heart was beating all weirdly for a while after it got hit so many times like that and it couldn't supply enough oxygen (in the blood) to my brain and so the stroke happened and it caused severe brain damage.... that stroke is the worst thing that happened in my entire life, and i feel like i really kind of died on that day and that now i'm just kind of a brain-damaged zombie waiting around to die.. i can't read quickly now, i have dyslexia, i make typoes all the time (i recheck what i type and fix them before i post), i lose balance, it is hard to do programming/coding now, and i can't use big words like i used to be able to.. Even though the stroke is the worst thing that has happened in my life, the depression from when i had the bad tinnitus was worse/deeper than the depression from the stroke (even though the depression from the stroke was really bad too)..

And so that's why i have very recently come back to these forums again in the last several days.. I'm actually not depressed in an emotional sense.. i'm actually on chat rooms every day still being silly and talking to my internet friends, but my life is a struggle and i'm tired of those problems (ear problem and brain damage problem) plus i'm poor and my job is starting to not be able to pay my rent/bills since prices keep rising, and plus all my (real life) friends have gone our seperate ways, and all of my family is dead now, with my mom dying about 1.5 years ago, and i'm getting old (i'm 44 years old now) and i know every one hates getting old but i hate it more than most people do and i never wanted to live to this age honestly.. so i've stopped paying rent now and i have an eviction notice and a court date, and so i'll probably be forced out in a week or two.. i could have kept paying rent/bills for a bit longer but i intentionally decided that i'm done struggling through this life and that i have standards that need to be met and if those standards for my happiness aren't being met any more and there isn't much i can do about it then i don't have to be here any more.. you always have to have the option to walk away.. i believe in spirit world and i believe that i will be perfectly fine again once i am back there..

i hope that i've given you some hope.. my life has not been an easy one.. but for your tinnitus from ear infection i think there is hope for you.. i know it is unthinkable now that you would ever habituate to this loud nightmare that you hear during wakefulness and sleep, but it will happen naturally and it won't be any thing that you have to "try" to do; you won't have to "try" to get used to all the loud ringing........ what will happen is that it will just happen naturally with out you trying and it will SEEM like it gets quieter over the months/years until you don't even notice it any more.. it really happens, all you need to do is wait.. I don't know how long you've had it so far but give your self at least 2 years; that's all i needed.. although it seemed like for ever having to drudge through those 2 long years, but still, i made it and i don't notice the ringing at all ever now, unless loud noise happens that makes my ear-ringing louder for a few/several hours, but that's just because my ear hearing cells have physical damage..

I believe in you.... Love and light..

 

[creepoftheeast]

I wish that people would understand that suicide is not just about the person who wants to CTB, and that there are logistics to consider.

You will wonder:

Will I be successful, or wind up worse off?
Where would be an appropriate place to do it?
Will I be able to overcome survival instinct?
Am I really being selfish?
Am I leaving people with my debts?
Was there actually anyone expecting me to pull things together?
Can I reach out to anyone I miss, or is that just dragging things along?
Should I bother leaving a note?
How can I get supplies together, and not have to feel weird about it?

It's just not an easy, or simple thing to do. It's scary as hell, and there are no guarantees.

And the most frustrating of all, am I just wasting more time, and making things worse by continuing to think about it?
Could I actually make things in my life good ever again?

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I've always hated the "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" rhetoric. I've been suicidal since I was 10 years old. Nothing temporary about that.

Oh man I despise that phrase so much too! It's honestly the stupidest thing I've ever heard because some problems aren't temporary and also, if a solution is permanent, shouldn't that be a good thing? It's like they expect us to use bandaid fixes that don't do anything over and over again. Fuck pro-life people and the stupid things they say.

 

[tiramisu]

it takes more courage to stay alive than to die, but i don't have the courage to stay alive. i would rather die.

 

[gardenhouse]

at first the ringing wasn't insanely bad, but my ears had been damaged and were a lot more sensitive (to getting damaged further) compared to a normal person's ears.. i still had to protect my ears a bit back then..... but then i went to some kind of loud bar/party type of place with a friend and i stupidly didn't wear earplugs even though the tons of people in there were being super loud (and it was a small room so the walls amplified the sounds) because i thought that if i wear earplugs i won't be able to hear the friends at my table talk, but in restrospect the place was so loud that i couldn't even really hear them any way, so i should have worn earplugs any way and just yelled at my friends when i wanted to talk to them.. And so that party damaged my ears A LOT more, and i really had loud ringing and also other sounds like crickets and multiple tones and some times other weird sounds..

it sent me in to DEEP depression, the deepest depression i've ever felt in my life, and i for like a year straight i couldn't even do any thing besides just......... wake up (crappy sleep by the way because the ringing/noises drive you insane).... sit there and hardly do any thing all day except feel super depressed and listen to how loud and nightmarish my ear ringing was.. (i still forced my self to eat and do things i had to do, and i still chatted on the internet some times but i sure wasn't happy at all)..

i tried lots of those scams on the shelf in stores that claim they stop ear-ringing..... i think it is a crime that they know their products do absolutely nothing and they are just trying to make a buck off of people that are going insane and desperate to try any thing they possibly can.. I also tried lots of the various methods people on the tinnitus forums suggested but nothing worked for me ever..

one other thing i want to mention is that, even back in around 2012 there were still lots of pipedream news stories about like "hey this medical research they are working on might solve tinnitus for every one"......... they are just pipedreams and give people false hope.. until some thing is concretely established and mainstream i wouldn't even bother reading or hoping in any stories like that of things "right around the corner"..

it's hard to recall the exact timeline now because it has been so long since this happened.. i think i first got the ear-ringing back in around 2012 probably, and then that loud party thing happened in 2013.. But around 2 years after that i started habituating to it, but i can't quite recall how long the period was for me to go from total depression to being okay with it and it not bothering me any more.. i'm not sure if it was like 3 months of transition or what now, my memory of it is kind of vague now.. but the important thing is that it happened..

okay so here is an important thing to understand.. if you went back in time to when i was super depressed by the ear-ringing and told me "you will eventually habituate to it" i would have NEVER EVER believed you... My response would be "there is NO WAY i can ever get used to all this noise"... But what it kind of "felt" like is that the ringing isn't loud any more and is just some kind of background noise that i never even notice unless i consciously listen for it.. i don't think it is actually technically any quieter, but it FEELS (or SOUNDS i guess) quieter like it isn't even loud at all any more.. That's how it will feel like to you when you habituate to it; it will feel like it is actually getting quieter until you don't even consciously hear it any more.. It isn't going to feel like the loud nightmare that you have to deal with right now.. Or at least that was my experience.. And if you notice on the tinnitus forums, most of all the people that are desperate and in panic and depressed/suicidal have only been experiencing it for a few months or so, not years.. There ARE some people that will say they have had it for years, and so have i, but those aren't the people that are panicked any more, because they have habituated to it by now.. So don't be afraid when you read people saying "yeah i've had my ear-ringing for 20 years and it's never gone away"....... yeah it technically hasn't, but they also aren't going through the same nightmare it was during the first months or first year (or two) when they first got it..

But even after i habituated to it my life was still a nightmare because my ears and the "hairs" (they are actually bumpy cells i think, not actual hair) in my inner ears were physically damaged (from all the headphones music and party thing etc) and they are really sensitive now, and so i constantly have to protect them from more damage and sounds seem really loud to me now.. i have to wear earplugs even to shower or to run the window unit air-cooler in here and i can't even drive with my windows down because the noise of other cars driving on the roads are too loud for me some times.. And not only could i get more ear damage if i'm not careful, but when i do accidentally hear loud sounds for too long it makes my ear ringing loud for a few hours or some times a few days if it was some thing really loud and heard it for too long, and when the ringing is loud like that it DOES still bother me, but it eventually goes back to baseline where i don't notice it in a few hours/days again.. So in that regard you are "lucky" compared to me (i know you definitely aren't lucky compared to a normal person with out tinnitus) because your tinnitus is caused by an infection, and so i would assume your ear hairs/cells aren't actually physically damaged like mine are, and so once you can eventually habituate to it you should be able to go back to living a relatively normal life where you don't have to protect your ears all the time like i have to..

So having to protect my ears all the time is one reason my life is a nightmare still.. But i did some thing else stupid in 2020.. i got depressed about my life one day and i was in an extremely negative mood and i am self-destructive and i just started beating the heck out of my heart like 20-30 times and it caused me to have a stroke that caused severe brain damage because my heart was beating all weirdly for a while after it got hit so many times like that and it couldn't supply enough oxygen (in the blood) to my brain and so the stroke happened and it caused severe brain damage.... that stroke is the worst thing that happened in my entire life, and i feel like i really kind of died on that day and that now i'm just kind of a brain-damaged zombie waiting around to die.. i can't read quickly now, i have dyslexia, i make typoes all the time (i recheck what i type and fix them before i post), i lose balance, it is hard to do programming/coding now, and i can't use big words like i used to be able to.. Even though the stroke is the worst thing that has happened in my life, the depression from when i had the bad tinnitus was worse/deeper than the depression from the stroke (even though the depression from the stroke was really bad too)..

And so that's why i have very recently come back to these forums again in the last several days.. I'm actually not depressed in an emotional sense.. i'm actually on chat rooms every day still being silly and talking to my internet friends, but my life is a struggle and i'm tired of those problems (ear problem and brain damage problem) plus i'm poor and my job is starting to not be able to pay my rent/bills since prices keep rising, and plus all my (real life) friends have gone our seperate ways, and all of my family is dead now, with my mom dying about 1.5 years ago, and i'm getting old (i'm 44 years old now) and i know every one hates getting old but i hate it more than most people do and i never wanted to live to this age honestly.. so i've stopped paying rent now and i have an eviction notice and a court date, and so i'll probably be forced out in a week or two.. i could have kept paying rent/bills for a bit longer but i intentionally decided that i'm done struggling through this life and that i have standards that need to be met and if those standards for my happiness aren't being met any more and there isn't much i can do about it then i don't have to be here any more.. you always have to have the option to walk away.. i believe in spirit world and i believe that i will be perfectly fine again once i am back there..

i hope that i've given you some hope.. my life has not been an easy one.. but for your tinnitus from ear infection i think there is hope for you.. i know it is unthinkable now that you would ever habituate to this loud nightmare that you hear during wakefulness and sleep, but it will happen naturally and it won't be any thing that you have to "try" to do; you won't have to "try" to get used to all the loud ringing........ what will happen is that it will just happen naturally with out you trying and it will SEEM like it gets quieter over the months/years until you don't even notice it any more.. it really happens, all you need to do is wait.. I don't know how long you've had it so far but give your self at least 2 years; that's all i needed.. although it seemed like for ever having to drudge through those 2 long years, but still, i made it and i don't notice the ringing at all ever now, unless loud noise happens that makes my ear-ringing louder for a few/several hours, but that's just because my ear hearing cells have physical damage..

I believe in you.... Love and light..

Thank you for sharing your story and experience, I really appreciate it, you seem like a very nice kind person, it's unfair how life has been so difficult for you, when you were still depressed by the ringing before you habituated? Did you rely on sleeping pills to help you sleep? Or you never had issue with sleep ? I totally understand your struggle, i beat my head the other day as well as I can't handle this constant ringing in my head. I just wanted to sleep peacefully like everyone else without tin, i think if i wasn't a light sleeper or a silence lover, this tin wouldn't so difficult for me to encounter. I'm 46 year old, never thought i would come to a point in my life like this where i was living my life so happily before tin happened to me. I've had it since last September, the ringing started in the right ear when the infection was but after the infection cleared up, i deeply hope the t would disappear but i sense that the ringing comes from the center of my head now, because i was someone who deeply valued silence to rest and relax my mind, and sleep, this tin has been catastrophic. I felt hopeless because i kept hoping a better day would come but it hasn't, i actually told my partner i wanted to pursue VAD in Switzerland because i can't imagine having a ringing in my head that i can't switch off for the rest of my life.

Thank you for the encouragement i will do what you suggest me, what for at least 2 years and hope it gets better .

So what is your plan? I really feel your pain friend, tin and stroke. Where do you live?

 

[generalhuxxsmother]

Title. Or just suicidal ideation in general

I'll guess I'll go first, I wished people understood that commiting suicide isn't necessarily a cowardly thing. Actually, i think it takes a lot more courage than the average person thinks. You're quite literally going against your biology, in order to achieve peace. Idk, I wished people understood

What abt you guys?

I wish people understood that suicide isn't a causal choice we make just because we feel like causing grief or to "take the easy way out".

 

[FF777]

Thank you for sharing your story and experience, I really appreciate it, you seem like a very nice kind person, it's unfair how life has been so difficult for you, when you were still depressed by the ringing before you habituated? Did you rely on sleeping pills to help you sleep? Or you never had issue with sleep ? I totally understand your struggle, i beat my head the other day as well as I can't handle this constant ringing in my head. I just wanted to sleep peacefully like everyone else without tin, i think if i wasn't a light sleeper or a silence lover, this tin wouldn't so difficult for me to encounter. I'm 46 year old, never thought i would come to a point in my life like this where i was living my life so happily before tin happened to me. I've had it since last September, the ringing started in the right ear when the infection was but after the infection cleared up, i deeply hope the t would disappear but i sense that the ringing comes from the center of my head now, because i was someone who deeply valued silence to rest and relax my mind, and sleep, this tin has been catastrophic. I felt hopeless because i kept hoping a better day would come but it hasn't, i actually told my partner i wanted to pursue VAD in Switzerland because i can't imagine having a ringing in my head that i can't switch off for the rest of my life.

Thank you for the encouragement i will do what you suggest me, what for at least 2 years and hope it gets better .

So what is your plan? I really feel your pain friend, tin and stroke. Where do you live?

oh yeah i forgot to answer the question about pills.. i didn't take any thing for sleep (or any pills at all actually, for any thing).. i'm kind of generally anti-pill and i don't even like hospitals and doctors that much either...... so if you are wondering how i slept back then, very crappily.. i had the ringing and i remember cricket sounds (the cricket sounds eventually went away permanently after lots of months though).. but yeah, the whole time i was just super deeply depressed.. there were no easy solutions/fixes for sleeping even, which is why the experience sucked so much.. i didn't even take sleeping pills.. i just had to wait until my body got so sleepy that despite the ringing/sounds and depression i guess your body eventually forces you to get a little bit of sleep any way.. but the sleep quality sucked..

like i mentioned before, not sure if this would give you any comfort or not but, you can go check the various tinnitus forums and you'll notice that the general trend is that any one that is panicking hasn't had it for very long yet.. it's because eventually you habituate to it, even if you don't believe you ever will.. i KNOW that there is a possibility of "well maybe the people that couldn't handle it for very many years ended up CTB", but in that case there should still be some people that have had it for years that are still going crazy from it, but there really aren't from what i found.. There is mainly either "this is driving me crazy but i haven't had it for years yet" or "i've had ear-ringing for many years now but it isn't driving me crazy any more".. And as for me personally, the normal baseline ringing doesn't bother me at all any more (as long as it isn't in loud mode from loud sounds that happened near me).. i have to consciously check if it is still there to notice it now.. it's always still there but it just doesn't SEEM like it is unless i consciously try to turn my attention to it to make sure it is still there and still ringing.. i'm just speculating here, but maybe it is like your brain or mind has to take a couple years to learn how to ignore it.. until then it is a nightmare.. (it still happens naturally with out you having to do any thing though)..

as for my plan for my life, due to various reasons i will be passing away shortly.. i have to protect my ears all the time...... and i have severe brain damage (this is the main reason).. and i'm old (44 (it's old for me!!))..... and oh yeah you asked where i am from.. i'm in USA and i don't like being in this country.. and my friends and family are all gone.. and i'm poor and can't afford rent/bills any more... and i'm not afraid of death that much any way.. i'm not really depressed about it tons; it's just kind of time for me to end things now and some thing i need to do.. at some point a life becomes too much of a burden to keep trying to salvage.. and if you are asking about the method, it is hydrogen sulfide gas.. for some reason i don't think it is listed on the main megathread of methods for some reason, but it's kind of my favorite method so i guess i'll be using that when the time comes here shortly..

and yes i was depressed by the ringing until i habituated to it.. don't beat your self or your head.. it's just a nightmare that you will have to power through but it will be temporary.. i would suggest doing things for now like projects to help distract your self as much from the ringing.. i don't know if you play video games, but when you are having to do stuff or work on some thing then it takes your mind (a little, not completely unfortunately) off of the ringing a little.. and if nothing else, as an extreme coping method, you can set a deadline (like 2 years from now or what ever you want to make the date) that will give you a tangible date that you can look forward to as a method of release so you can count down the days/weeks/months until that date so you can feel like you won't just have to live like this for ever, and you can tell your self that when that date arrives, you will either be habituated by then, or you can give up and allow your self some peace from life finally..... either way ends up where you are no longer suffering by that date.. it helps me a lot to cope through depression when i can count down days and show my self "i'm making progress towards not having to suffer any more, one way or an other"..

 

[Lost in a Dream]

it takes more courage to stay alive than to die, but i don't have the courage to stay alive. i would rather die.

No it doesn't.

 

[gardenhouse]

oh yeah i forgot to answer the question about pills.. i didn't take any thing for sleep (or any pills at all actually, for any thing).. i'm kind of generally anti-pill and i don't even like hospitals and doctors that much either...... so if you are wondering how i slept back then, very crappily.. i had the ringing and i remember cricket sounds (the cricket sounds eventually went away permanently after lots of months though).. but yeah, the whole time i was just super deeply depressed.. there were no easy solutions/fixes for sleeping even, which is why the experience sucked so much.. i didn't even take sleeping pills.. i just had to wait until my body got so sleepy that despite the ringing/sounds and depression i guess your body eventually forces you to get a little bit of sleep any way.. but the sleep quality sucked..

like i mentioned before, not sure if this would give you any comfort or not but, you can go check the various tinnitus forums and you'll notice that the general trend is that any one that is panicking hasn't had it for very long yet.. it's because eventually you habituate to it, even if you don't believe you ever will.. i KNOW that there is a possibility of "well maybe the people that couldn't handle it for very many years ended up CTB", but in that case there should still be some people that have had it for years that are still going crazy from it, but there really aren't from what i found.. There is mainly either "this is driving me crazy but i haven't had it for years yet" or "i've had ear-ringing for many years now but it isn't driving me crazy any more".. And as for me personally, the normal baseline ringing doesn't bother me at all any more (as long as it isn't in loud mode from loud sounds that happened near me).. i have to consciously check if it is still there to notice it now.. it's always still there but it just doesn't SEEM like it is unless i consciously try to turn my attention to it to make sure it is still there and still ringing.. i'm just speculating here, but maybe it is like your brain or mind has to take a couple years to learn how to ignore it.. until then it is a nightmare.. (it still happens naturally with out you having to do any thing though)..

as for my plan for my life, due to various reasons i will be passing away shortly.. i have to protect my ears all the time...... and i have severe brain damage (this is the main reason).. and i'm old (44 (it's old for me!!))..... and oh yeah you asked where i am from.. i'm in USA and i don't like being in this country.. and my friends and family are all gone.. and i'm poor and can't afford rent/bills any more... and i'm not afraid of death that much any way.. i'm not really depressed about it tons; it's just kind of time for me to end things now and some thing i need to do.. at some point a life becomes too much of a burden to keep trying to salvage.. and if you are asking about the method, it is hydrogen sulfide gas.. for some reason i don't think it is listed on the main megathread of methods for some reason, but it's kind of my favorite method so i guess i'll be using that when the time comes here shortly..

and yes i was depressed by the ringing until i habituated to it.. don't beat your self or your head.. it's just a nightmare that you will have to power through but it will be temporary.. i would suggest doing things for now like projects to help distract your self as much from the ringing.. i don't know if you play video games, but when you are having to do stuff or work on some thing then it takes your mind (a little, not completely unfortunately) off of the ringing a little.. and if nothing else, as an extreme coping method, you can set a deadline (like 2 years from now or what ever you want to make the date) that will give you a tangible date that you can look forward to as a method of release so you can count down the days/weeks/months until that date so you can feel like you won't just have to live like this for ever, and you can tell your self that when that date arrives, you will either be habituated by then, or you can give up and allow your self some peace from life finally..... either way ends up where you are no longer suffering by that date.. it helps me a lot to cope through depression when i can count down days and show my self "i'm making progress towards not having to suffer any more, one way or an other"..

i live in nz, i don't like this country as it's a small country in terms of population, and there isn't a lot of help for tin sufferers, health system sucks as well, border control is so strict it's nearly impossible to get anything illegal to cbt from overseas drug vendor from the blackmarket. I see, i didn't wanna use sleeping pills at first , from sept last year until April this year, i barely had any sleep everyday for months, most days i had zero sleep because of the tinnitus, and being a light sleeper, this constant ringing has become catastrophic (mine sounds like static electrical noise) for me and it became increasingly difficult for me to focus at work as my body would force to get microsleep during the day at work, i lost my concentration and focus due to sleep deprivation, it became dangerous when i was driving back home from work and felt so sleepy and tired, and i didn't wanna hurt others, i crashed once in april this year as i was so sleepy from not getting enough sleep almost everyday luckily didn't hurt anyone, but weirdly due to prolonged sleep deprivation i feel like i no longer have a homeotic sleep drive like a normal person now, i can go 5 days without sleep and still do not feel sleepy, a normal person will crash if they skip one night without sleep, so i've been using sleep meds to help me sleep recently, oftentimes when i'm lying in bed, i keep thinking i just wanna sleep like everyone does, why does it become so difficult now? Dreaming is what i miss the most.

You are actually right, most of those panicking are mostly those who haven't had it for a long time, thank you for your encouragement i really appreciate it, i will wait longer and i deeply hope my body will push the noise further into the background and habituate eventually , even though I hardly believe it as of now, but i will power through and hope i will get there just as many others. Right now i still can't comprehend how others with this medical condition and have fully habituated and tell me that they need to consciously turn their attention to find the tin & check if it's still there, as of now i don't need to consciously turn my attention to find it, it's around my head all the time haha….even when I'm focusing doing something or watching tv or movie.

I have people that love me, my family and partner, they're the reason why i'm hanging on even though these last 11 months have been so depressing immensely for me and for them as they feel powerless to help me. Friends are mostly gone because they all think that i must be used to it or are over it where in fact i still struggle. You have no idea how your words and encouragement have meant for me, bless you wherever you are especially on a forum like this where most people come here to get help/advice to cbt, not to get meaningful encouragement.

Other People might be jealous if they see what i have, as i have houses, and financially stable, but there's things money can't buy.

Do you live alone? I really hope you'll see light at the end of the tunnel. I feel sorry for how life obstacles have pushed you to the corner of feeling desperate. if you feel you wanna end your suffering from this cruel world, you will find peace whatever you see fit.

oh yeah i forgot to answer the question about pills.. i didn't take any thing for sleep (or any pills at all actually, for any thing).. i'm kind of generally anti-pill and i don't even like hospitals and doctors that much either...... so if you are wondering how i slept back then, very crappily.. i had the ringing and i remember cricket sounds (the cricket sounds eventually went away permanently after lots of months though).. but yeah, the whole time i was just super deeply depressed.. there were no easy solutions/fixes for sleeping even, which is why the experience sucked so much.. i didn't even take sleeping pills.. i just had to wait until my body got so sleepy that despite the ringing/sounds and depression i guess your body eventually forces you to get a little bit of sleep any way.. but the sleep quality sucked..

like i mentioned before, not sure if this would give you any comfort or not but, you can go check the various tinnitus forums and you'll notice that the general trend is that any one that is panicking hasn't had it for very long yet.. it's because eventually you habituate to it, even if you don't believe you ever will.. i KNOW that there is a possibility of "well maybe the people that couldn't handle it for very many years ended up CTB", but in that case there should still be some people that have had it for years that are still going crazy from it, but there really aren't from what i found.. There is mainly either "this is driving me crazy but i haven't had it for years yet" or "i've had ear-ringing for many years now but it isn't driving me crazy any more".. And as for me personally, the normal baseline ringing doesn't bother me at all any more (as long as it isn't in loud mode from loud sounds that happened near me).. i have to consciously check if it is still there to notice it now.. it's always still there but it just doesn't SEEM like it is unless i consciously try to turn my attention to it to make sure it is still there and still ringing.. i'm just speculating here, but maybe it is like your brain or mind has to take a couple years to learn how to ignore it.. until then it is a nightmare.. (it still happens naturally with out you having to do any thing though)..

as for my plan for my life, due to various reasons i will be passing away shortly.. i have to protect my ears all the time...... and i have severe brain damage (this is the main reason).. and i'm old (44 (it's old for me!!))..... and oh yeah you asked where i am from.. i'm in USA and i don't like being in this country.. and my friends and family are all gone.. and i'm poor and can't afford rent/bills any more... and i'm not afraid of death that much any way.. i'm not really depressed about it tons; it's just kind of time for me to end things now and some thing i need to do.. at some point a life becomes too much of a burden to keep trying to salvage.. and if you are asking about the method, it is hydrogen sulfide gas.. for some reason i don't think it is listed on the main megathread of methods for some reason, but it's kind of my favorite method so i guess i'll be using that when the time comes here shortly..

and yes i was depressed by the ringing until i habituated to it.. don't beat your self or your head.. it's just a nightmare that you will have to power through but it will be temporary.. i would suggest doing things for now like projects to help distract your self as much from the ringing.. i don't know if you play video games, but when you are having to do stuff or work on some thing then it takes your mind (a little, not completely unfortunately) off of the ringing a little.. and if nothing else, as an extreme coping method, you can set a deadline (like 2 years from now or what ever you want to make the date) that will give you a tangible date that you can look forward to as a method of release so you can count down the days/weeks/months until that date so you can feel like you won't just have to live like this for ever, and you can tell your self that when that date arrives, you will either be habituated by then, or you can give up and allow your self some peace from life finally..... either way ends up where you are no longer suffering by that date.. it helps me a lot to cope through depression when i can count down days and show my self "i'm making progress towards not having to suffer any more, one way or an other"..

i live in nz, i don't like this country as it's a small country in terms of population, and there isn't a lot of help for tin sufferers, health system sucks as well, border control is so strict it's nearly impossible to get anything illegal to cbt from overseas drug vendor from the blackmarket. I see, i didn't wanna use sleeping pills at first , from sept last year until April this year, i barely had any sleep everyday for months, most days i had zero sleep because of the tinnitus, and being a light sleeper, this constant ringing has become catastrophic (mine sounds like static electrical noise) for me and it became increasingly difficult for me to focus at work as my body would force to get microsleep during the day at work, i lost my concentration and focus due to sleep deprivation, it became dangerous when i was driving back home from work and felt so sleepy and tired, and i didn't wanna hurt others, i crashed once in april this year as i was so sleepy from not getting enough sleep almost everyday luckily didn't hurt anyone, but weirdly due to prolonged sleep deprivation i feel like i no longer have a homeotic sleep drive like a normal person now, i can go 5 days without sleep and still do not feel sleepy, a normal person will crash if they skip one night without sleep, so i've been using sleep meds to help me sleep recently, oftentimes when i'm lying in bed, i keep thinking i just wanna sleep like everyone does, why does it become so difficult now? Dreaming is what i miss the most.

You are actually right, most of those panicking are mostly those who haven't had it for a long time, thank you for your encouragement i really appreciate it, i will wait longer and i deeply hope my body will push the noise further into the background and habituate eventually , even though I hardly believe it as of now, but i will power through and hope i will get there just as many others. Right now i still can't comprehend how others with this medical condition and have fully habituated and tell me that they need to consciously turn their attention to find the tin & check if it's still there, as of now i don't need to consciously turn my attention to find it, it's around my head all the time haha….even when I'm focusing doing something or watching tv or movie.

I have people that love me, my family and partner, they're the reason why i'm hanging on even though these last 11 months have been so depressing immensely for me and for them as they feel powerless to help me. Friends are mostly gone because they all think that i must be used to it or are over it where in fact i still struggle. You have no idea how your words and encouragement have meant for me, bless you wherever you are especially on a forum like this where most people come here to get help/advice to cbt, not to get meaningful encouragement.

Other People might be jealous if they see what i have, as i have houses, and financially stable, but there's things money can't buy.

Do you live alone? I really hope you'll see light at the end of the tunnel. I feel sorry for how life obstacles have pushed you to the corner of feeling desperate. if you feel you wanna end your suffering from this cruel world, you will find peace whatever you see fit.

 

[gardenhouse]

oh yeah i forgot to answer the question about pills.. i didn't take any thing for sleep (or any pills at all actually, for any thing).. i'm kind of generally anti-pill and i don't even like hospitals and doctors that much either...... so if you are wondering how i slept back then, very crappily.. i had the ringing and i remember cricket sounds (the cricket sounds eventually went away permanently after lots of months though).. but yeah, the whole time i was just super deeply depressed.. there were no easy solutions/fixes for sleeping even, which is why the experience sucked so much.. i didn't even take sleeping pills.. i just had to wait until my body got so sleepy that despite the ringing/sounds and depression i guess your body eventually forces you to get a little bit of sleep any way.. but the sleep quality sucked..

like i mentioned before, not sure if this would give you any comfort or not but, you can go check the various tinnitus forums and you'll notice that the general trend is that any one that is panicking hasn't had it for very long yet.. it's because eventually you habituate to it, even if you don't believe you ever will.. i KNOW that there is a possibility of "well maybe the people that couldn't handle it for very many years ended up CTB", but in that case there should still be some people that have had it for years that are still going crazy from it, but there really aren't from what i found.. There is mainly either "this is driving me crazy but i haven't had it for years yet" or "i've had ear-ringing for many years now but it isn't driving me crazy any more".. And as for me personally, the normal baseline ringing doesn't bother me at all any more (as long as it isn't in loud mode from loud sounds that happened near me).. i have to consciously check if it is still there to notice it now.. it's always still there but it just doesn't SEEM like it is unless i consciously try to turn my attention to it to make sure it is still there and still ringing.. i'm just speculating here, but maybe it is like your brain or mind has to take a couple years to learn how to ignore it.. until then it is a nightmare.. (it still happens naturally with out you having to do any thing though)..

as for my plan for my life, due to various reasons i will be passing away shortly.. i have to protect my ears all the time...... and i have severe brain damage (this is the main reason).. and i'm old (44 (it's old for me!!))..... and oh yeah you asked where i am from.. i'm in USA and i don't like being in this country.. and my friends and family are all gone.. and i'm poor and can't afford rent/bills any more... and i'm not afraid of death that much any way.. i'm not really depressed about it tons; it's just kind of time for me to end things now and some thing i need to do.. at some point a life becomes too much of a burden to keep trying to salvage.. and if you are asking about the method, it is hydrogen sulfide gas.. for some reason i don't think it is listed on the main megathread of methods for some reason, but it's kind of my favorite method so i guess i'll be using that when the time comes here shortly..

and yes i was depressed by the ringing until i habituated to it.. don't beat your self or your head.. it's just a nightmare that you will have to power through but it will be temporary.. i would suggest doing things for now like projects to help distract your self as much from the ringing.. i don't know if you play video games, but when you are having to do stuff or work on some thing then it takes your mind (a little, not completely unfortunately) off of the ringing a little.. and if nothing else, as an extreme coping method, you can set a deadline (like 2 years from now or what ever you want to make the date) that will give you a tangible date that you can look forward to as a method of release so you can count down the days/weeks/months until that date so you can feel like you won't just have to live like this for ever, and you can tell your self that when that date arrives, you will either be habituated by then, or you can give up and allow your self some peace from life finally..... either way ends up where you are no longer suffering by that date.. it helps me a lot to cope through depression when i can count down days and show my self "i'm making progress towards not having to suffer any more, one way or an other"..

Oh few things i forgot to ask you, before you habituated your T, did the T get worse if you didn't get a good sleep? Did you use sleep sounds to mask your T before habituation?

Do you sleep in complete silence like before now? Does the T spike up right now if you don't get a good sleep? I know tin and sleep are like a vicious cycle.

 

[FF777]

Oh few things i forgot to ask you, before you habituated your T, did the T get worse if you didn't get a good sleep? Did you use sleep sounds to mask your T before habituation?

Do you sleep in complete silence like before now? Does the T spike up right now if you don't get a good sleep? I know tin and sleep are like a vicious cycle.

i don't really want to hijack this thread any more, and some other person DMed me too about tinnitus stuff... so i realized i probably need to start some type of big thread about my tinnitus experience because it might be able to help a lot of other people besides just you and the other person that DMed me.... i'll try to write/start that whole big thread later today or tomorrow.. but until then just DM me some how and we can yap all we want in the DM and i'll answer every and all questions you have until i put the tinnitus thread up..

 

[whatsleftover]

i only wish people understood that there is no balancing force, that a life could be bad and could realistically get worse and worse till death. people that have had it easy tend to think that wrongdoers pay some price by learning the hard way at some point in life, maybe so much so that they'd reflect on the wrong they inflicted upon you. this is just too wishful. people get away with violating someone's safety, getting others fired, undermined, bullied and ostracized. even if they've somehow learnt to be better, you are irreversibly damaged while they just got a nice lesson and a virtuous perspective.

 

[gardenhouse]

i don't really want to hijack this thread any more, and some other person DMed me too about tinnitus stuff... so i realized i probably need to start some type of big thread about my tinnitus experience because it might be able to help a lot of other people besides just you and the other person that DMed me.... i'll try to write/start that whole big thread later today or tomorrow.. but until then just DM me some how and we can yap all we want in the DM and i'll answer every and all questions you have until i put the tinnitus thread up..

True, i think it's a good idea to start a new thread with your tin experience as there are alot of people here thinking of cbt because of it, i'm one of them, i'm not out of the woods yet but i'll give it a bit more fight. Thanks

 

[Ultimatefighter]

They say suicide is the easy way out whilr taking every painless way from us. Say you are a coward while suicide in the way possible these days is painfull, i have immense respect and wouldn't say they are coward overcoming SI and Pain.

Also people who have allot of help and 'friends' who would not even survive a day in isolation while this is your whole live no future to look up to.

Also humans who believe they are better then animals and say but god made us to be special and not animals. Ever looked at animals. We are animals called mammals. Doing and looking the same as all animals, getting breastfet, having eyes, having mouth we breath, having teeths, having to shit and pee. All is the same the only difference is somewhere in our time of living we got the overhand and reproduced like crazy and got out on top over other animals.

People who say but we have souls, bro animals are exactly like us if we would have it animals have it too. They can feel pain, sadness, love, family connection everything. Most people feel superior…