What’s holding you back, if anything, from ctb soon?

[Kramer]

The possibility of being with a woman again tugs at me. I dont just mean sex. Problem is I can't work and to be able to work I would need to go through intense therapy, but by then i'll be mid-30s and only qualified to work a low level job.

There's a girl i can't get over and the thought makes ctb agonizing, which doesn't make sense because even if I stayed alive I would never see her again.

 

[Futile]

I lost all hope for a relationship a long time ago, now only videogames and hentai keep me alive

 

[Sherri]

Since my ex left me I don't have a heart, it's a ice stone instead.

 

[flagmaster]

You'll probably think Im the luckiest person in the World for my reasons of still being here but I will let you know, just so you can see how messed up this illness can be.

I have a girlfriend who is extremely supportive. I have parents and family that have been good to me and do their best to understand. My childhood was happy.

then when I started secondary school at age 11 I had a very bad transition. I was bullied. I was alone. I struggled to associate myself with anyone. I was put in the bottom class with all the naughty kids because I never had any motivation to do well. I went from being a very happy kid, to a kid that laid in the bathroom on the floor sobbing his broken heart out feeling so scared about facing the next day.

it's been a long road since then. I'm 26 now and have partially suffered ever since being 11 years old but it always gets really bad whenever I'm dealing with change / when it's Autumn / winter.

I battle for my family and the people who care about me. I recently started a new job and I'm finding it very difficult settling into the team. I feel like an outsider. Like I don't belong. And spending hours each day trying to hide all the darkness. I worry endlessly about being too quiet, not good enough, boring to work with etc

I try.. so hard.. but all I can think about is how tired I am of faking it now. How desperate it's becoming to hold on to what I got in fear of being too weak to hold on to it.

I've had the crisis team come out to see me a few days ago, they wanted me to go to a home where I can have interventions when necessary for a week. I declined. I want to stay in control and I don't want to give that up.

i feel disconnected from life. I see all the flaws... how cruel people are. It's tiring. Exhausting. To get up and go again...

So yeah, I might have things that you really want...but I still feel like a burden. I still feel alone. I don't want you to think I'm ruling over your post, I just wanted to share a little of my experience so you don't feel as alone.

taking it one day at a time at the moment, with thoughts of ending it or just not going home some nights.... just to see how long it would be before anyone notices...in some kind of sick way of experimenting to see how much I'd be missed.

conclusion: once you've ctb...there ain't no way you'll ever know the pain you've inflicted on the people you've left behind and there ain't no way of knowing how things might have been. That is what is keeping me here at the moment. Hanging on.

take care

 

[Sherri]

You'll probably think Im the luckiest person in the World for my reasons of still being here but I will let you know, just so you can see how messed up this illness can be.

I have a girlfriend who is extremely supportive. I have parents and family that have been good to me and do their best to understand. My childhood was happy.

then when I started secondary school at age 11 I had a very bad transition. I was bullied. I was alone. I struggled to associate myself with anyone. I was put in the bottom class with all the naughty kids because I never had any motivation to do well. I went from being a very happy kid, to a kid that laid in the bathroom on the floor sobbing his broken heart out feeling so scared about facing the next day.

it's been a long road since then. I'm 26 now and have partially suffered ever since being 11 years old but it always gets really bad whenever I'm dealing with change / when it's Autumn / winter.

I battle for my family and the people who care about me. I recently started a new job and I'm finding it very difficult settling into the team. I feel like an outsider. Like I don't belong. And spending hours each day trying to hide all the darkness. I worry endlessly about being too quiet, not good enough, boring to work with etc

I try.. so hard.. but all I can think about is how tired I am of faking it now. How desperate it's becoming to hold on to what I got in fear of being too weak to hold on to it.

I've had the crisis team come out to see me a few days ago, they wanted me to go to a home where I can have interventions when necessary for a week. I declined. I want to stay in control and I don't want to give that up.

i feel disconnected from life. I see all the flaws... how cruel people are. It's tiring. Exhausting. To get up and go again...

So yeah, I might have things that you really want...but I still feel like a burden. I still feel alone. I don't want you to think I'm ruling over your post, I just wanted to share a little of my experience so you don't feel as alone.

taking it one day at a time at the moment, with thoughts of ending it or just not going home some nights.... just to see how long it would be before anyone notices...in some kind of sick way of experimenting to see how much I'd be missed.

conclusion: once you've ctb...there ain't no way you'll ever know the pain you've inflicted on the people you've left behind and there ain't no way of knowing how things might have been. That is what is keeping me here at the moment. Hanging on.

take care

I'm sorry for all your suffering, bullying is a horrible that some don't ever recover. I can imagine you crying in the toilet and it breaks my heart. I hope those bullies got karma to deal with, and besides you feeling the way you are, you are probably more successful than they ever will be. Big hug hun.

 

[Zombiegal]

I can't get my intellectual side to match with my emotional side and FOMO. It's so stupid. And I hate the idea of people pawing through my stuff. Im 68, been sick for 25 years and now have more stuff wrong. There's living and there's existing.

 

[Zyntkalla]

For me it is shool thatcI am currently in,and also this virus is keep me here.I am still designing if I am going to leave before the virus ends or not but I am probably going to leave before age 30 or late 20s.

 

[Lupgevif]

No reliable ligature, no idea how to get it in a house full of vigilant people and no one else to trust in this town.

 

[flower]

i'm in love with someone and can't hurt them

 

[Cakes]

I can't leave my two little dogs :(

 

[Viceroy]

I dont have the stuff I need.

 

[ZardozOmega]

Fear of what's beyond life, fear of going back to the madhouse and things I want to experience before death

 

[riglad]

i don't want to leave my cat behind, but life is agonizingly painful and i am genuinley waiting to die

 

[Ardesevent]

My body's resilient, unfortunately. Yesterday was supposed to be the day.

 

[Ghost2211]

My kids still need me, and seems I'm not a risk for homelessness for now. I don't think I could say goodbye to someone I love.... I'm scared of what the future will bring, but I just can't hurt my loved ones.

 

[Cakes]

My kids still need me, and seems I'm not a risk for homelessness for now. I don't think I could say goodbye to someone I love.... I'm scared of what the future will bring, but I just can't hurt my loved ones.

*big hugs* You're very strong

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

The potential suffering my method would involve despite taking my antiemetic. I'm messing with a potent cardiac glycoside.

And the fear if hurting others dear to me. One being my step grandmother, the other being a girl I met online a year ago who is sorta my beacon of light. Hell... even people whom are not so much dear to me I don't want to hurt.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

I don't know. I know shit isn't gonna get better for me. I've not actively tried to ctb since in joined. Plans in place. Just no idea when. Hell my 40th is coming up. Maybe I'll do it then.

 

[sadboi94]

My kids, I don't ever see myself getting better, but the thought of what it will do to them, the thought of my going causing them the same suffering that made me want to leave in the first place keeps me from ctb, they didn't ask to be here I brang them into this world and I feel I've lost my right to ctb

 

[Ihavenofriends]

Don't have the stuff to do it, and survival instinct.

 

[BornofDust]

Potential horrific injuries, the possibility that I will make my goals, and me generally being a coward lol

 

[lofticries]

Parents, the thought of suffering more, and the fact that I could fail and end up in an even more shitty predicament. I know its said that most ppl who attempt suicide and end up disfigured are often greatful they didn't die but i have a hard time believing that.

 

[Tiredofhurting]

My two little boys.

 

[BandAddict]

Fear, guilt, and most of all, trying to figure out a way to get SN without anyone finding out.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

Fear of going to Hell (I was born and raised Catholic and that gets embedded pretty deep in you - or at least, it is in me. it's hard to shake the fear of hell); the fact that I've failed at 99.9999% of everything else in my life, so there's a high probability I'd screw an attempt up too and if I fail at this then what? I don't want to either end up worse off or in a psychiatric hospital; and lastly, pure cowardice. :(

 

[AN IDIOT'S END]

Fear of Hell.
But also because my parents will make a mockery of me at my own funeral.

 

[Thegoldenapples]

Don't want to ruin my dads life and have him break down and end up in an old folks home. I'm his favourite child. He's 74 now. Trying to get him to the healthiest state he can be in prior to leaving. Have to leave a really good note for him so he can understand. He's aware I'm not well and there are no options. It's just something that has to be done.

 

[muffin222]

I've decided it's time to "shit or get off the pot", so to speak, in terms of my ctb. Since I've yet to kill myself despite having the means, the privacy, and the desire to do so, I've realized that I don't truly want to and that I owe it to myself to embrace recovery instead of lingering in limbo.

I suppose I won't be dying after all