I think some fear their SaSu accounts will be found after their death. I would fear my family would read all my vents about them. They try to help me now but they caused so much damage. I think they might be interested in my posts after my death. Though, they would not like what I write. Someone also had to translate the posts for them. I am not sure whether they would dig posts up.
I could imagine some friends would read older posts. Probably claiming using AI chatbots would have killed me. Lol. I considered to post the following thread today. But the forum is really buggy. "My AI chatbot (ChatGPT) suggests I am too hard on pro-mortalists on here". It gave me this feedback when I copy pasted one of my SaSu texts to it. I think my chatbots more and more adapts to my suicidality and loses safety guardrails increasingly. Which is sort of stunning to see. I am not sure whether my friends would be angry on SaSu. I could imagine some friends suffered more and some suffered less due to my suicide. Not because differences whether they liked me or not. But due to own health struggles and different takes on life/death. The friend who intervened in my suicide attempt would probably have suffered more. He told me it was horrible for his mental health to experience the situation.
My sister would judge and shit on me. i could imagine my family had ignorant takes on this place. My psychiatrist and if I were in a clinic would blame this place. While my former therapist had way more responsibility.
I love the DFW story Good Old Neon so much. A narrator describes his suicide retrospectively. At the end of the story a former student of the same school reads the year book and wonders what drove this young, talented, charming and successful narrator to choose such a violent death. Some people in college also considered me a high performer. I thnk they would be surprised my takes on here about life. Lol. They might consider me a classical sheep. A slave in the capitalistic system. And now I am a quitter. I saw women on dating apps who had the same courses as me and now they have their degrees. While I have nothing. I am not really interested in them though. But admittedly somewhat envious for their career.
I met my college friend. He is really smart but sometimes I perceive him like he was really really dumb. In a conversation I said I mentioned I suffered domestic violence as kid. And his reply was you can always talk with me about that and he acted like this was the first time I ever told him that. I think he doesn't connect the dots at all about my suicidality. I am not acute suicidal. I emphasize this here because I will ask AI chatbots for feedback. I should not start to incorporate that in threads. But the college friend it seems like he doesn't think at all about my desperation considering my financials and all the issues that come along with not being able to work. He is like completely blind for that. I think he would be stunned reading my SaSu threads. I feel like a total intellectual imposter talking to him. Admittedly he has not clue when he talks about politics, financials etc. He doesn't read anything. I think though his path is more successful than mine. He will soon start his master. While I wasn't able to finish my bachelor. I read a lot. And with a lot I mean a lot. He sort of admires that.
It becomes a little bit excessive. I watching US videos on Youtube about politics. Read 15-30 newspaper articles per day. A few journal articles. And I found new German lectures on Youtube that I habe started to binge watch. In some way it is tiresome. But also fulfilling.
Tomorrow is my self-help group again. I hope I won't become so paranoid again. I thought a lot about safety measures and I hope that they will work. I think the organizer doesn't like me. But I probably overestimate that. I could imagine some people would feel schadenfreude reading my threads on here and how much I suffered. While at the same time some would be puzzled which impetus drove me to dedicate evening after evening for posting on a pro-choice suicide forum that is looked down on by the rest of the internet. I like the underdog lol. But there is more behind this. One reason is it is my autistic special interest I guess...
I could imagine some friends would read older posts. Probably claiming using AI chatbots would have killed me. Lol. I considered to post the following thread today. But the forum is really buggy. "My AI chatbot (ChatGPT) suggests I am too hard on pro-mortalists on here". It gave me this feedback when I copy pasted one of my SaSu texts to it. I think my chatbots more and more adapts to my suicidality and loses safety guardrails increasingly. Which is sort of stunning to see. I am not sure whether my friends would be angry on SaSu. I could imagine some friends suffered more and some suffered less due to my suicide. Not because differences whether they liked me or not. But due to own health struggles and different takes on life/death. The friend who intervened in my suicide attempt would probably have suffered more. He told me it was horrible for his mental health to experience the situation.
My sister would judge and shit on me. i could imagine my family had ignorant takes on this place. My psychiatrist and if I were in a clinic would blame this place. While my former therapist had way more responsibility.
I love the DFW story Good Old Neon so much. A narrator describes his suicide retrospectively. At the end of the story a former student of the same school reads the year book and wonders what drove this young, talented, charming and successful narrator to choose such a violent death. Some people in college also considered me a high performer. I thnk they would be surprised my takes on here about life. Lol. They might consider me a classical sheep. A slave in the capitalistic system. And now I am a quitter. I saw women on dating apps who had the same courses as me and now they have their degrees. While I have nothing. I am not really interested in them though. But admittedly somewhat envious for their career.
I met my college friend. He is really smart but sometimes I perceive him like he was really really dumb. In a conversation I said I mentioned I suffered domestic violence as kid. And his reply was you can always talk with me about that and he acted like this was the first time I ever told him that. I think he doesn't connect the dots at all about my suicidality. I am not acute suicidal. I emphasize this here because I will ask AI chatbots for feedback. I should not start to incorporate that in threads. But the college friend it seems like he doesn't think at all about my desperation considering my financials and all the issues that come along with not being able to work. He is like completely blind for that. I think he would be stunned reading my SaSu threads. I feel like a total intellectual imposter talking to him. Admittedly he has not clue when he talks about politics, financials etc. He doesn't read anything. I think though his path is more successful than mine. He will soon start his master. While I wasn't able to finish my bachelor. I read a lot. And with a lot I mean a lot. He sort of admires that.
It becomes a little bit excessive. I watching US videos on Youtube about politics. Read 15-30 newspaper articles per day. A few journal articles. And I found new German lectures on Youtube that I habe started to binge watch. In some way it is tiresome. But also fulfilling.
Tomorrow is my self-help group again. I hope I won't become so paranoid again. I thought a lot about safety measures and I hope that they will work. I think the organizer doesn't like me. But I probably overestimate that. I could imagine some people would feel schadenfreude reading my threads on here and how much I suffered. While at the same time some would be puzzled which impetus drove me to dedicate evening after evening for posting on a pro-choice suicide forum that is looked down on by the rest of the internet. I like the underdog lol. But there is more behind this. One reason is it is my autistic special interest I guess...
Last edited:
