What was your experience of suicide as a concept?

[Idontrecognizemyself]

- and how did it impact you? I had a lot of early exposure via anime (don't laugh!) Things like Happy Family Planning from Paranoia Agent to their Island Arc in Welcome to the NHK painted a warm picture of community in my head that's been difficult to overcome. I guess that's why I'm here, haha : ). Curious if anyone else has any formative memories of cbt in media or the likes.
*FIRST IMPRESSION* sorry, first post nerves. Also hello, I'm Ezra, I'm new here. I'd love to meet you

 

[deflationary]

The first time I remember seriously thinking about suicide as a concept was when I was like maybe 12 or something and my mom mentioned some teenage kid killing himself and called him dumb over it. Or something to that effect. And I remember not understanding why it would be dumb. I wasn't suicidal myself at that point but it seems like I never had that whole "life is an obviously good thing, and sacred" position that most people seem to hold.

 

[whywere]

For me, I think it was one of the times when I was like 8 to 10 years old and my "dad" was beating the hell out of me for no reason at all. I concluded that I was not meant for this planet and my "parents" did not want me ever, so why should I be here?

I have had so many people, never anyone here on SS, tell me to get over it when I was younger. Easy to say till one walks in that persons shoes.

I do believe that both of my attempts had some bases in my early years growing up. My "dad" never laid a finger on my brother or sister, but when he got stressed out I was a stress punching bag and I hated it then and now.

Walter

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot remember exactly, I just know that from a young age I have found death comforting and all I have ever wanted is to not exist. I have never really understood people who enjoyed life and wanted to live. When I was around 11, that was when I started thinking about suicide properly and that was when things had gotten worse. For such a long time, thinking of suicide has been a relief, knowing that if things got too bad I could exit this life, that it is always possible.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

When I was around 9 years old, my father tried to shoot himself in front of me. I distinctly remember him shouting that he was going to blow his brains out then and there. My young mind couldn't exactly process what that those words meant, nor what the action entailed, all I could focus on was the loaded gun.

He was eventually forced to lower the gun and lock it away in his wardrobe drawer once more. When my father died a few months later, I rationalised the grief I was feeling by recalling that horrible scene I was forced to witness.

This tragedy imprinted a crucial bit of information upon my young mind. I realized that some people were deeply unhappy with life, and when that sorrow reached the point of no return, they would take actions to terminate that unwanted existence.

At the time, I couldn't understand why someone would resort to the act of ctb, but I became aware of the possibility I could take my own life too.

It wasn't until I became cognizant of the fact that I was being bullied at school due to my autism that I seriously considered suicide. I was only in grade 7, but I already knew I had missed the starting gun and was doomed to have a miserable life. Around this time, I witnessed my aunt attempt an overdose that landed her in a psychiatric ward.

Having to find my aunt in a state of disarray on multiple occasions after her failed ctb attempts awakened me to a grim reality. Some people just aren't meant to be happy, and they will keep trying to end their suffering until a result is achieved-whether that be a successful recovery, or a completed suicide.

I knew that I was going to be one of those people, even at age 12.