What strategies are there for finding romance?

[Marktheghost]

I've tried getting to know people as friends, and then hoping that one of those friendships develops into something more. I'm not even making any friends though! Is it time to give up on the friends first strategy and try something different?

What other strategies are there for finding a romantic relationship? And has anyone got any idea which one is the best strategy?

 

[Pure]

Extroverted people will always have an easier finding romance. That's just the reality of life. Friendship to romance pipeline is the best way. If that's not possible, you'll have to use online dating. High quality apps like hinge or coffee meets bagel is the best option. Finding romance on tinder is nearly impossible but possible but I wouldn't expect anything serious from it.

Don't rely solely on online dating though. Best to combine it with meeting new people through hobbies.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Be Chad.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

If man: Be neurotypical, have an active social life, don't be a NEET, don't be super ugly, don't have any big psychological problems, be ok with the current system of dating.

If woman: Get an account on a dating app and choose (hopefully wisely) from thousands of men.

 

[Rational man]

Be YOU and dont try to be someone you are not. The right person will.arrive in your life when the time is right. It will just cli ck into place without trying. Its called LOVE, something that left me along time ago❤

 

[WantToQuit]

Sometimes you have to just quit... to give up.

I know for myself that I will die alone.

 

[noname223]

There is a big thread in recovery how to find a gf. I stay out of it it makes me so fucking depressed.

 

[forgotten15]

Sometimes you have to just quit... to give up.

I know for myself that I will die alone.

Same for me.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

If man: Be neurotypical, have an active social life, don't be a NEET, don't be super ugly, don't have any big psychological problems, be ok with the current system of dating.

If woman: Get an account on a dating app and choose (hopefully wisely) from thousands of men.

Uh, what? The likes/dick picks/one word messages that a woman gets on a dating app don't automatically convert into conversations, much less dates, much less relationships. It is probably easier, as a woman, to find casual sex partners than it is for straight men. That doesn't equal a relationship, and not everyone is willing to trade sex for limited amounts of affection and companionship.

Women are also subject to MASSIVE scrutiny about their physical appearance. Way, way more than men are. Way beyond "don't be super ugly." And the same sort of judgements around "be a neurotypical, don't be a NEET, don't have any big psychological problems, be ok with the current system of dating" still apply to women.

People who have their shit together don't want to date a shit-show. I am a shit-show, and I am a woman. I'm not even trying to date right now because I'm waffling between ctb and getting my life together. No relationship would work or be healthy as long as I'm dealing with massive psychological problems and other big life messes like employment etc.

Like seeks like.

 

[Interloper]

Uh, what? The likes/dick picks/one word messages that a woman gets on a dating app don't automatically convert into conversations, much less dates, much less relationships. It is probably easier, as a woman, to find casual sex partners than it is for straight men. That doesn't equal a relationship, and not everyone is willing to trade sex for limited amounts of affection and companionship.

Women are also subject to MASSIVE scrutiny about their physical appearance. Way, way more than men are. Way beyond "don't be super ugly." And the same sort of judgements around "be a neurotypical, don't be a NEET, don't have any big psychological problems, be ok with the current system of dating" still apply to women.

People who have their shit together don't want to date a shit-show. I am a shit-show, and I am a woman. I'm not even trying to date right now because I'm waffling between ctb and getting my life together. No relationship would work or be healthy as long as I'm dealing with massive psychological problems and other big life messes like employment etc.

Like seeks like.

He's just your run-of-the-mill bitter guy, there's bound to be a couple of them here considering their state of mind. He will likely just scoff at your post especially since you said you are a woman yourself.

No helping that lot...

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

I will die alone.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

He's just your run-of-the-mill bitter guy, there's bound to be a couple of them here considering their state of mind. He will likely just scoff at your post especially since you said you are a woman yourself.

No helping that lot...

I dunno. I know that it's easy enough for me to lose sight of perspective and forget that other people have their own experiences and perspectives, especially when I'm isolated. When I'm in my own head a lot and not interacting with other people I spin myself all sorts of bullshit stories about myself and other people. It happens, and none of us are here because of an overabundance of self-esteem, emotional support and positive interactions with others.

And while I totally understand and have fallen for the, "Wow, that totally sexy, amazing person would be awesome to be with, they should be with me, because I want to be with them," line of thinking, I think that it's helpful to consider, y'know, am I striking out because I'm not giving people who are in a situation that's more similar to my own a chance? If I'm concerned about my appearance, finances, mental health, etc, am I focusing on people who are dealing with similar or equally significant struggles? Or am I doing the wounded bird thing and expecting someone who's attractive and has their shit together to fix me? Which, I have done the wounded bird thing, it's not a good look.

Just throwing it into the conversation as something to do, I guess.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is better to stay away from people in my opinion. From what I have heard relationships just seem to cause people pain. People can betray you and let you down. I cannot stand people and I want nothing to do with others. Of course I have no interest in relationships and I am glad that I don't.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I will die alone.

me too

because I am not:
good looking
tall
neurotypical

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

me too

because I am not:
good looking
tall
neurotypical

Same, except I'm tall but it doesn't matter. Face is more important than height. People talk shit about my looks and so I stay away from everyone. I live like a recluse. Everything in my life is designed to stay away from other people. I have a job in IT just so i can hide behind a computer.

 

[fox_wannabe]

Same, except I'm tall but it doesn't matter. Face is more important than height. People talk shit about my looks and so I stay away from everyone. I live like a recluse. Everything in my life is designed to stay away from other people. I have a job in IT just so i can hide behind a computer.

I wish for you to get at least good money. Moneymaxxing is viable strategy. Maybe you could get a jawline surgery so you have better looks.

 

[motel rooms]

And has anyone got any idea which one is the best strategy?

Find an insecure alcoholic, like I did. Heroin addicts are a good choice too.

 

[fox_wannabe]

Find an insecure alcoholic, like I did. Heroin addicts are a good choice too.

What a madlad. I am not sure It is actually good answer tho

 

[LonelyBrazilian]

There is a big thread in recovery how to find a gf. I stay out of it it makes me so fucking depressed.

I got depressed seeing this thread too

 

[motel rooms]

I am not sure It is actually good answer tho

Why not? A lot of drunkies & junkies are hot & they're open to all sorts of lovin' when they pass out on the bed

 

[Rational man]

Find an insecure alcoholic, like I did. Heroin addicts are a good choice too.

That must have been traumatic. Hope you don't mind me saying, but you are a seriously handsome man if that pic is you. Take care

 

[fox_wannabe]

Why not? A lot of drunkies & junkies are hot & they're open to all sorts of lovin' when they pass out on the bed

well.. that is one way of achieving

romance. Maybe you could have fake conversations with him like having tea party with doll. But I am sure OP did not ask for that kind of romance.

 

[motel rooms]

That must have been traumatic.

I'm used to trauma. He's not a binge drinker & he doesn't make scenes. He's a good guy

 

[motel rooms]

well.. that is one way of achieving romance.
Maybe you could have fake conversations with him like having tea party with doll. But I am sure OP did not ask for that kind of romance.

Maybe OP is interested in exactly that kind of love! After all, they started a thread about finding romance in Suicide Discussion, not Offtopic

 

[stygal]

When I was still in the "dating game" I would often ask for people's numbers at concerts/clubs or even political/environmental protests.
It's basically how I gotten to know most of my exes. After once establishing the connection I wrote them long sms/texts and it went from there. So maybe that's also the friendship route but with the added component of meeting people in rl first.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I met the majority of my partners at bars/parties when I was younger. I always found that it was most effective to build on that chemistry quickly, in a fun situation, and then see if there's longer term interest on each side. So the first night might culminate in some kissing or maybe even more, and then go from there.

I am not a fan of "friendship first" because it keeps things on a slow burn which can easily kill attraction if it's not dialed up properly and frequently. I never had much interest in being kept on the back burner for a long period of time. I also never went for dating sites or apps because I felt like the label of "date" was a bit stifling and probably not super appealing to many women. It implies pressure and some semblance of forced romance. This as opposed to a bar or something, where you're both just having fun and letting loose for the night, and then seeing where the future takes you.

This is probably not going to be a popular approach to people on here, but it did get results.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

I am not a fan of "friendship first"

Agreed this rarely works. Also, though I never used to believe it, I now feel like men and women just can't be friends anyway. We're wired too differently. So don't get caught up in any one woman; there's either attraction from the start or not.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I really shouldn't respond to any of this...
No, no don't do it...
Please, bro...

He's just your run-of-the-mill bitter guy, there's bound to be a couple of them here considering their state of mind. He will likely just scoff at your post especially since you said you are a woman yourself.

Not since she was a woman, but rather since she basically admitted to having access to relationships but only wanting men that "had their shit together". Even sounded like she would rather die than date a man similar to her, in terms of not "having their shit together". A man in her position doesn't have access to any women unless he's neurotypical, socially active, motivated, etc (and even then it's not a guarantee, unemployment could definitely make it 100% impossible to get the affection of any woman). And he won't be picky to the extent of only wanting women that "have their shit together" (because that's a real permanent character trait, "til' not having your shit together do us part"). "In health and in health, in good times and in good times, for richer, for richer."

Uh, what? The likes/dick picks/one word messages that a woman gets on a dating app don't automatically convert into conversations, much less dates, much less relationships. It is probably easier, as a woman, to find casual sex partners than it is for straight men. That doesn't equal a relationship, and not everyone is willing to trade sex for limited amounts of affection and companionship.

Women have it easier in finding any type of relationship. Short-term or long-term, they just have to be able to pick a guy that matches what they're looking for. Again, PICKING. I don't get to do any PICKING. PICKING! This is why I get confused when women talk about their boyfriend/ex being a narc asshole, you PICKED him. Deal with it. PICKING!!! CHOOSING!!!

Women are also subject to MASSIVE scrutiny about their physical appearance. Way, way more than men are. Way beyond "don't be super ugly." And the same sort of judgements around "be a neurotypical, don't be a NEET, don't have any big psychological problems, be ok with the current system of dating" still apply to women.

Agreed.

People who have their shit together don't want to date a shit-show. I am a shit-show, and I am a woman. I'm not even trying to date right now because I'm waffling between ctb and getting my life together. No relationship would work or be healthy as long as I'm dealing with massive psychological problems and other big life messes like employment etc.

This is the thing, if you're in a position to un-fuck your life then you don't understand where I'm coming from emotionally. I can't do anything! I can do nothing! I think that's why we don't see eye-to-eye on whatever we're talking about. I'm not sure what we're talking about, actually. I hope it's not one of those "who has it worse, men or women?"-things. Can seem like I'm making a comparison, but that's just because of the subject matter. Would be weird to ignore the existence of women when talking about heterosexual men's chances in the dating scene.

 

[PartlyHuman]

Ok, so I'm a woman and I have a bf and we've not met on a dating site. A bit of stereotypes destruction here: my bf is my height/a bit lower on my good days. He's not neurotypical (aspie). Average looks tho there are some features I just love in him. And we've met on a selfharm forum.
I'm with my bf because I felt understood and our values clicked. That's practically it. Won't say it was easy since I'm not mentally healthy myself and well, imo it's quite a bad idea to start dating when you're not mentally healthy. Like, I'd stb already if I've not started relationships back then.
Also, it's good to understand clearly what you want before getting relationships. "Having gf/bf" isn't a badge you get, it's a choice you have to deal with and building relationships isn't easy and it's not a magical solution to everything. Actually, most likely adding another person with their own set of ideas about life just makes your life harder...
Also, dating sites don't work lol. We live in consumerism era and get treated as a merchandise, this is the problem, not who has it easier...
If we stop treating people as goods/achievements, does it even matter if you have relationships or not? If you want a body you get treated as one as well and well, not always chances are on our side. If you want being loved/understood it doesn't mean you want a gf. It means you're lonely, that's it. Try until you find person who clicks right for you, if it goes to romance – cool.
If you just want the status "look I have a gf/bf" you're not ready to real relationships with a real living person.