luvpup
4ever young & ill
- Oct 8, 2024
- 140
i feel like all i can do now is ctb
recovery starts with you wanting to get better, for any change you have to be the one to put the effort in... but i feel nothing.
i get excited sometimes thinking about doing fun things like it sounds silly but id always wanted to be a j-pop kaigai idol or really just perform and have some cute persona. i had my music i have music fans who support my music already even though its not that kind of persona at all really.
but then im faced with the reality of life that, this isnt a kids game anymore. im entering adulthood and i need to move out and pay bills and go to college and get a job and the longer i look out and think it just feels like theres no point.
i dont want a job
i used to,, i had one and got fired for no reason lol i liked it sort of even lol
i dont want to keep going to college i dont want to transfer
i dont want to do these things
but everyone wants me to live. my mom says itd crush her and shed never be able to do anything else, or take care of my younger siblings anymore, my therapist says itd break his trust and heart, my friends, even just my music fans seem like theyd miss me even if theyd forget.
but how do i live when i just dont care lol. i feel like its a waste of everyones effort and itd just be better if i died atp. like i get excited for a little and think ill do it and live and become someon echasing my dreams but. then i remember reality and i remember why i dont wanna be here (plus the fact even wehn i am doing what i can do. its never enough/i get suicidal intensely and experience harsh emotions anyways)
like what do i even do anymore i really dont know.
recovery starts with you wanting to get better, for any change you have to be the one to put the effort in... but i feel nothing.
i get excited sometimes thinking about doing fun things like it sounds silly but id always wanted to be a j-pop kaigai idol or really just perform and have some cute persona. i had my music i have music fans who support my music already even though its not that kind of persona at all really.
but then im faced with the reality of life that, this isnt a kids game anymore. im entering adulthood and i need to move out and pay bills and go to college and get a job and the longer i look out and think it just feels like theres no point.
i dont want a job
i used to,, i had one and got fired for no reason lol i liked it sort of even lol
i dont want to keep going to college i dont want to transfer
i dont want to do these things
but everyone wants me to live. my mom says itd crush her and shed never be able to do anything else, or take care of my younger siblings anymore, my therapist says itd break his trust and heart, my friends, even just my music fans seem like theyd miss me even if theyd forget.
but how do i live when i just dont care lol. i feel like its a waste of everyones effort and itd just be better if i died atp. like i get excited for a little and think ill do it and live and become someon echasing my dreams but. then i remember reality and i remember why i dont wanna be here (plus the fact even wehn i am doing what i can do. its never enough/i get suicidal intensely and experience harsh emotions anyways)
like what do i even do anymore i really dont know.
