What mindset were you in when you’ve tried to ctb?

[CaramelDragon]

Four days ago I attempted partial/failed at full for 2 hours. I was calm, ready to go. I planned to try again today but woke up really anxious (just in general about work etc and not about dying) and so I decided it wasn't a good day. I'm building myself up to do it again in 2 days as time is running out and the walls are closing in.

A dead-behind-the-eyes mindset seemed to work best for me and I didn't hesitate to put my neck in the noose, I only stopped full because need to swallow was so uncomfortable. I hope to overcome that next time.

I feel calm, cold and sober is best. What about you?

 

[Manaaja]

Excited and happy and peaceful, but most often also scared. Also, anxious because "What if parents come?" and "Can I platinum Dark Souls before ctbing?"

Few things make me so happy and feel as right as trying to ctb. I don't understand why it feels morally right, but it does.

But of course I don't like the fainting part. I have actually had a phobia of fainting ever since I was born. I can't even watch people faint. I'll instantly get a panic attack. That's why I have also had a phobia of sleeping on and off for my whole life.

 

[Johnhawk_Down]

All the pent up pain, loss, memories to the point where to could reach no further, the pinnacle had been reached, they crashed and I became numb, miserable, catatonic and the rest was like I was on autopilot, I was there but I wasn't.

 

[symphony]

1st attempt: highly impulsive. I had planned to hang myself at a future point but wasn't well prepared and did it early. I had been in a lot of acute distress and was desperate for an "out". I hadn't fully processed what I was getting myself into.

2nd attempt: pure desperation. I knew it was a stupid attempt and doomed to fail. When I was "rescued", desperation turned to anger.

3rd attempt: I had lots of tumultuous emotions going on at the time including feeling upset and highly anxious, but around my attempt I just felt calm, resigned, and determined.

4th attempt: I guess we'll see. If all goes well, this one will be much more planned and methodical than those before it.

 

[GongLiFang]

I honestly can't say how many times I have attempted but one thing is for sure, the lead up and headspace is always the same. It usually happens because I spend multiple days straight repeatedly fantasizing about ctbing, like it is all that I can think about. Sure I usually think about suicide at least once a day and it has been like that for years now but this is like almost obsession levels. I just become so fixated, I have had enough of life and it is too much. And then after days of this I will be having a tired moment and the emotions of desperation and fear of life get to me and I make an attempt. It is usually a mess, like some half planned attempt that could have worked if I was super committed and really thought out the details. But since I usually don't I just spend an hour or two trying to kill myself and then depressingly have to hide the rope marks or take a shower cause I am soaking with ocean water lol.

Anyways, I haven't made an attempt in a while but I think that is good because for the past months I have put that energy into systematically making a plan and actually have now bought the things needed. I have a date and everything now so I can confidently say my mindset this time is calm, relieved, and I feel in control for the first time in my life and it is really refreshing that "hey, one day I won't wake up and it will be MY decision". Great feeling to be honest, I haven't felt this way in years.

Apologizes for the ramble, but hey, this forum is here to speak out minds is it not?

 

[Famous Last Words]

This is an interesting analysis of the headspace a person is in, just before ending it. The "dead behind the eyes" mindset describes it well.



The lecturer is a suicide expert whose dad died by suicide.