I suffer in this existence as after all I was so harmfully burdened with this existence that I never would have wished for, I was forced to suffer in this reality where suffering is seen as to force and prolong no matter what with me denied the option to find permanent peace from the abomination of existence where existing beings suffer so unbearably all for the sake of it until death takes away all anyway. The fact that I cannot just have a death like falling into an eternal dreamless sleep even know this existence was imposed in the first place really is so cruel to me and painful.
What I find horrific is how trying to die can go wrong and lead to way worse torture as a result, it's just horrific in general how there is no limit as to how much one can suffer in this existence I always saw as the most terrible tragic mistake, for me non-existence really is all that's positive and I'd always prefer to not exist than be enslaved in this futile existence suffering all for the sake of it just to be tortured by old age, to me existence itself really is the true problem, all I wish for is to be permanently unconscious, I wish to never suffer ever again.