What it feels like to be suicidal

[Intelligent_Panic99]

I feel like I'm hanging on the edge of the cliff exhausted, in pain, knowing if I let go it will be over and everyone in my life is just standing on top of the cliff either not noticing I'm dangling there or telling me something about how it's going to effect my children if I let go. I already fucking know. I am a terrible person for dangling here. I am a terrible person for not being able to hold on longer. I shouldn't have gotten myself in this situation. But just let me let go or fucking reach out your hand and help me up. I'm holding on. I'm really trying. Is this what my life has to be forever? I already know the plan. At the end of the month I can let go if I want to.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

Yep. Indeed. It reminds me of another figurative picture someone painted where, they explained that people in our position who are suicidal are akin to someone on top of a burning building. The options are either to jump or burn, theres no winning. You added something to the equation though which I like, the other people. There should be people infront of the burning building advising you to put a wet cloth on the back of your neck. That'll help ya.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Life is like a horror movie. Remember The Cube. You don't know where you came from, you don't know why you're here, you don't know what happens when you die. Your SI forces you to continue the nightmare. Still, some feel that life is precious. I guess it's our brain chemistry that makes us say the glass is half full or empty. It's the same world we see when we look at it. We are victims of our genetic heritage. Of course, there are also family, friends and experiences. Still, I think it's genetic. Even when I was 7 years old, I hated this world. It's a miracle I'm at this age :) So I was always suicidal.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is a nightmare being alive and I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are in so much pain. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

[Why Not???]

I have dreams of me dying and my family and friends yelling at me non stop. It's exhausting when you can't have a positive dream and wake up feeling tired, exhausted, and depressed. I have suicide on my mind everyday and night. I've learned to keep it to myself but it rips me apart.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Something that has been useful to me if to take the other people out of the equation - in my mind, at least.

Here's the thing: people react from their own experiences. People here understand and relate vividly to the picture you painted. Not everyone reaches this kind of crisis point in their lives. They have no idea how to help because their brains truly cannot understand where you are.

To use your analogy, they see you on the edge of the cliff, but they can't really understand how you got there. They don't know how to help you because there is nothing in their experience that lets them feel like you feel now. They objectively know that this kind of despair is possible, but they can't feel it with you. They can't help because they don't know how to get to where you are.

Imagine some of your people floating above you with helium balloons. They are up. They stay up. They see you, but they don't have the ability to get down where you are to help you. You see them and think, "just pop the balloon and then you'll understand." But they have nothing sharp. No tools to do that. They have a different set of tools and skills that only allow them to float. Everyone is not necessarily a bad person. for not helping.

OTOH, some people suck. They see you and just don't care. But that's them. They're assholes. Whether you fall or not, they will still be assholes. They are a non-factor, really. Because nothing you do will make them care. Even if you fall. Don't waste your brain power, especially when it is limited, on assholes.

This has become a bit rambly. Sorry.

Only you can decide what to do. Whether to climb up or let go. Please don't let other people make the decision for you.

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

Something that has been useful to me if to take the other people out of the equation - in my mind, at least.

Here's the thing: people react from their own experiences. People here understand and relate vividly to the picture you painted. Not everyone reaches this kind of crisis point in their lives. They have no idea how to help because their brains truly cannot understand where you are.

To use your analogy, they see you on the edge of the cliff, but they can't really understand how you got there. They don't know how to help you because there is nothing in their experience that lets them feel like you feel now. They objectively know that this kind of despair is possible, but they can't feel it with you. They can't help because they don't know how to get to where you are.

Imagine some of your people floating above you with helium balloons. They are up. They stay up. They see you, but they don't have the ability to get down where you are to help you. You see them and think, "just pop the balloon and then you'll understand." But they have nothing sharp. No tools to do that. They have a different set of tools and skills that only allow them to float. Everyone is not necessarily a bad person. for not helping.

OTOH, some people suck. They see you and just don't care. But that's them. They're assholes. Whether you fall or not, they will still be assholes. They are a non-factor, really. Because nothing you do will make them care. Even if you fall. Don't waste your brain power, especially when it is limited, on assholes.

This has become a bit rambly. Sorry.

Only you can decide what to do. Whether to climb up or let go. Please don't let other people make the decision for you.

I get your point, but I am not trying to make the people on the cliff bad per se.

It's more like they are normal people who see the problem but they think the person handing there is just fine or if not fine, a few motivating words might propel them up over the cliff. Maybe they aren't even aware of high up they are. No one is reaching their hand down to help the person hanging - which would be such an obvious thing to do! But no one thinks of it. They have other things to do.

And the truth is I don't know if I'd take the hand offered because I'm too independent and embarrassed to admit I don't know how to get back up on my own or if I can. Sometimes I think one person offering their hand can save me; most of the other times I think I don't deserve to be saved if I can't climb up on my own.

 

[Konjac]

Nobody who hasn't been through it themselves will ever understand the sheer hopelessness. It's like a dull ache in my chest and those nagging thoughts just grow louder and louder until eventually I can't deal with it anymore. Thinking of all the things I'll leave behind just because I'm a selfish prick that only cares about escaping his own pain despite knowing I'll just pass it on to everyone I care about.