What is your relationship with chronic suicidality?

[Nolan96]

Anonymous poll. Feel free to elaborate in the comments.

(Edit: I'm thinking maybe this should actually be moved to the Suicide Discussion forum.)

 

[Toxic Positivity]

Suicide and a life worth living are like a place where a river forks off two ways, and I feel like there are two of me, one swimming along in each direction. At times I jump between the version of myself that is trying to live well and the version of myself that is determined to die. There is a lot of whiplash jumping between these two selves.

 

[Kyrok]

I feel like I've lived most of my life in a moribund state: not fully invested in living, one eye on suicide.

I think that state perpetuated itself, as the half-in/half-out attitude kept me from taking my own life seriously enough to improve my mental health. I let momentum carry me rather than making changes.

Now, in my mid-50s, chances are gone. Possibilities atrophied.

Chronic suicidality becomes its own disease.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm trying to survive until a certain time. I was hoping it would be until around September or October of this year but I might have to suffer a little longer just for Pokémon Gen 9. I hate how such a meaningless trifle is enough to want to keep me alive in spite of my suffering and I am aware that such privilege is only making me more of an asshole who needs to be killed yesterday…

 

[motel rooms]

Feel free to elaborate in the comments.

Am I chronically suicidal if I want to die only for about 2 hours a day?

 

[Insomniac]

trying to find a peaceful accessible method

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I have never wanted to live and I never will. Every day I want to leave this world. I am only still alive because suicide is so difficult, for me there is a lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and there is the fear of failure. Suicide is certainly my choice and all I want is to sleep forever. I just wish it was easier to end all the suffering.

 

[western_heart]

trending towards recovery, snapping back to suicidality when my life becomes too hard

 

[Nolan96]

Am I chronically suicidal if I want to die only for about 2 hours a day?

I've enabled vote-changing so you'll just have to keep your poll response updated accordingly.


In all seriousness I feel similarly and hesitated between voting "managing" and voting "trying to recover". I hope your suicidal feelings happen less and less often. Recovery takes time.

I think that state perpetuated itself, as the half-in/half-out attitude kept me from taking my own life seriously enough to improve my mental health. I let momentum carry me rather than making changes.

I'm really trying to avoid this. I try to be a good plan-maker in my moments of relative emotional buoyancy so that when I revert to auto-pilot in my low moments I don't screw things up for myself even worse. It's still hard to find the energy though. And that can turn into an emotional vicious cycle too: Winding and winding yourself up and hoping to see yourself go far and then watching as the automoton takes 3 steps and exhausts itself.

 

[motel rooms]

I hope your suicidal feelings happen less and less often. Recovery takes time.

There's no full recovery from my traumas.

 

[Disappointered]

The same reason that makes my life never quite worth living is the one that also prolongs it unnecessarily. I don't believe I can recover. I don't believe my existence will stop being defined by failure, humiliation and suffering. There is only one good thing in my life but I fear that I have detracted from its true potential. The sooner I die the better but I know that the coward in me will drag it out in a long ugly smelly skid mark.

 

[WadeingThru]

Not chronic, not really suicidal, manic at times, very high highs and very low lows. Most of the lows are triggered by work. High stress and lots of responsibility. Sometimes I wanna blow my brains out, but I could tell my boss fuck this shit I'm out and that would solve all my problems. But then what about the bills? So I'm stuck.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Regardless of what I want, I will be here for a bit; I am overly cautious, so without foolproof circumstances I can't CTB. I will hang myself someday, whether it be in three months, three years, or three decades.

If I had everything I wanted, I'd still CTB. From a very young age, I've accepted that I would die by suicide. For one, it puts the ultimate control in my hands, and it keeps my dignity in tact—providing I don't die of a health complication first, I can prevent degeneration of my body before I'm elderly and dependent. And sicker. And most importantly uglier.

My best case scenario is living until about 45-50, and my tolerable scenario if I can get a hold of my life will be to die around 30-35. So long as I can function, hold a job, attain a few cosmetic procedures and manage my health, I'm good until then. (Unlikely, tbh) Most likely, I'll still be a NEET by 23 and if I'm not enrolled in anything then I will attempt to get around my living situation to off myself.

 

[Sherri]

Tried suicide many times and have many scars to prove it, my last one I took 3k plus stiches. That was more than 2 years ago, haven't felt the urge anymore since I started my meds.

 

[OldWrldBlues]

been bouncing between option two and one since i was a kid. i tried playing it out and seeing if things got better. and they simply didn't, they actually got drastically worst. now that i have the money and resources to go through with it. its just a matter of doing it.

 

[Ainsley]

I use the fact that I could end my own life as a coping mechanism. I am too scared to follow through, but I am unfulfilled in every sector of my life and no matter what options I explore, nothing seems to help it improve significantly enough to outweigh the desire to just end it all. Yet the fear of pain at the end keeps me here, so I slog through life, day in and day out. I simply endure what I can and disassociate through what I cannot. Rinse and repeat (for now).

 

[member1]

First option.